sunsets & palm trees.

10 things i’ve learned from a Lifetime of watching Movies:

1. if i am in high school and i feel unpopular, all i have to do is get a makeover. i will walk into school the next day and everyone will finally see how beautiful i really am.
2. if i am in a car crash, i will definitely roll away or run away or crawl away from that car as fast as possible. because it will blow up. it will blow up like there was a bomb hidden inside. even though there is no reason it should blow up, it’s gonna blow up. i’m out of there.
3. if i am scared someone is watching me or in my house, i will not swing shut my medicine cabinet and look in the mirror. they will surely be right behind me. also, if there is a blackout, i will NOT use my phone to look at myself or take a photo. some person or some thing will surely be right behind me.
4. if i become best friends with a bunch of guys, at least one of them will wake up someday and come to the realization that i have always been the one for him. and he will show up at my door in the rain with a song or an object i pointed out in a gift shop once or burst into my apartment to articulately express his true feelings that he has just realized. that is, if he doesn’t meet a Manic Pixie Dreamgirl on his way over.
5. if i befriend a black person, they will immediately and magically come to the aid of myself and all of my white friends. or at the very least make our lives significantly better with sage wisdom and thoughtful but practical advice.
6. if i meet a stranger and want to have sex with them, i should do it because it will immediately be the best sex either of us has ever had. and although there will be much moaning and enjoyment, afterward i will not appear sweaty or disheveled in any way.
7. if i smoke cigarettes i look super sexy, and it helps me through bad situations, and i smell just fine. oh and i only smoke after a tense moment or dramatic situation as i have no need for the disgusting things otherwise.
8. if there is someone chasing me that is a very, very bad person and i actually do some bad-ass thing like shoot them right before they kill me, they aren’t dead. i have to remember these bad people can take at least 8 major blows to the head and a minimum of 5 bullet wounds. min-i-mum.
9. if i see someone is scared and they tell me about something scary happening, i will go check it out. and i will die.
10. i if live long enough to meet an alien, i may not be able to tell if they are bad or good right away, but i know for sure they can travel faster than me, they are stronger than me, they are smarter than me, and their technology is so super organic and sophisticated that i may not even really understand it.

turning tables.

10 stories i’d like to see told through film:

1. a girl dies by social media causing an uprising against Twitter, Facebook, & all Apple products which eventually leads to the downfall of social networking, technology, and civilization as we know it.

2. a combination of a really well-made independent movie blended perfectly with hardcore porn.

3. average looking overweight funny girl meets extremely attractive, romantic, adoring guy and gets knocked up.  it takes her the whole movie to begrudgingly fall in love with him.

4. 2 people switch bodies and absolutely love it. the government eventually forces them to switch back.

5. someone realizes they can see ghosts, falls in love with a ghost, marries a ghost, and then the ghost kills them.

6. a movie where we take a major historical event and make fun of it like Scary Movie or Space Balls.

7. aliens come to Earth, attack us, and win.

8. a group of women actors go galavanting around LA sleeping with guys, drinking, and eating at diners in the middle of the night, making complete asses of themselves before finally going home.

9. little person chases giant fish to the ends of the earth trying to kill him for no reason.

10. vampires have come out of the coffin but are insecure, babbling creatures with very little strength and people are generally annoyed by their presence.

regurgitation.

10 Shameful Remakes that Prove Hollywood has Imagination Issues:

1. Dallas. [i heard about this today and sure enough, 5 hours later, the overwhelming urge to blog and bitch has overtaken me. in 2012 we will be blessed with another Dallas series revolving around the Ewings. unbelievably, most of the original cast is returning; all of whom are now in their late 70s. but not to worry. i am sure the plot will move towards their very hot and stupid children by episode 2 and we’ll be watching a regurgitated version of One Tree Hill before we know it.]

2. Footloose. [i listened to the Footloose soundtrack in the cassette deck of my first car so much it literally wore out. almost straight out of the movie, i danced and sang so hard to that crazy “rock n roll” music that the tape FELL APART. how can that experience be reproduced? okay, maybe i am just pissed that Kevin Bacon is separated by everyone in Hollywood by a maximum of 6 degrees and he still couldn’t put a fucking stop to this.]

3. The 3 Musketeers. [i was positive that anything already remade with Charlie Sheen would scare the crap out of anyone considering a third go around. i can be so wrong sometimes.]

4. The Thing. [i don’t really remember this film very well, but if i am not mistaken the one released in 1982 was a remake itself…so even though they claim the 2011 version is a prequel, let’s be honest. we’re on #3 again somehow. my best guess is someone lazy at Universal needed something to get us through Halloween.]

5. It. [the absolute scariest book i’ve ever read and even though the miniseries fell a bit flat, Tim Curry as a sadistic killer clown who eats children isn’t something to be taken lightly. i am already having nightmares of the new cast including Christian Bale doing a strange “clown voice” and the whole thing falling to pieces before i even see a preview.]

6. The Crow. [1993: in Wilmington, NC my parents’ retail store was right across the street from the movie studio where Brandon Lee was accidentally killed while filming the first one. i have always had a deep cultish love for that film. there is a dark beauty about the original that feels as if art and life get completely lost in one another and it all has great meaning in the end. is Relativity Media saying this can be recreated or even should be?]

7. Point Break. [set to be released in 2013, no one knows what will happen with this film and it’s only in development as we speak. that said, it’s going to be remade and that is the only question that needs to be addressed anyway. oh right. some aspiring director out there wants to show the world how much better he can get an actor to express such thoughts as “100% pure adrenaline!”]

8. Miami Vice. [we all saw this coming. yes, cool that Michael Mann did the original and was the one to sign on for the remake. but the tv series in the mid-late eighties was more about a new wave of music and culture that defined a generation; not so much about cops and drama. now all Americans seem to care about are procedurals so maybe Mann should have flipped the whole thing on its head and he would have had a hit. these movie execs really need to start coming to me first.]

9. Arthur. [i didn’t see this movie and the 26% on Rotten Tomatoes leads me to believe i didn’t miss much. but ratings and reviews have nothing to do with my lack of interest. truth is, Dudley Moore was a comedic genius that greatly influenced my childhood love of movies and nobody should think for a second that they can replicate that talent or pee-inducing laughter.]

10. Short Circuit. [it’s so hard not to cry. can’t even type. very difficult. my only wish; please, please i beg you Dimension Films, just do not create some retarded CGI robot with a name like Jar Jar to be Number 5’s new best friend. my heart is in your hands.]

spoil me.

10 Things I Wish I had in My House right Now:

1. a therapist. [if she lived with me we could have a glass of wine while discussing why i am feeling the way i am feeling and things would get much deeper much faster this way.]

2. an ultra-modern bathtub. [i have a pretty amazing bathtub in my current home, which i am seriously grateful for, but even the good ones aren’t made for everything we need. like what about a place to put some reading material nearby that won’t get wet? or a way to sit in the tub that doesn’t kill my back and acts more like a pool chair? yeah, i want this one.]

3. a housekeeper. [a live-in, everyday kind of luxury; not a monthly visit for a couple of hours. i actually love cleaning. dishes are my favorite in case you were wondering. unfortunately my inner maid and my outer workaholic have been fighting for years and it’s clear who’s winning.]

4. a gym. [i think when i start regularly working out again i am going to break something. feeling a little creaky lately. i know people always say that having an in-home gym makes no difference; you either want to workout or you don’t. meh, i still want one.]

5. a movie theater. [i just saw a movie in the theater where the sound alone was astonishing not to mention the enormous vision of RG beating the pulp out of anything that was morally corrupt. doubt it would have had the same effect on my thirty inch, seven-year-old television.]

6. a bowling alley. [currently when i am bored i pick up a good book or dance around my apartment or watch a movie i’ve been meaning to see for ages. these are all extremely fulfilling activities but a little bowling in my pajamas late at night seems like it would break up the monotony even better.]

7. a man. [i’ll write another post about this very soon cause i know you all feel i just never broach this topic. so we’ll leave it at that for now. man, in my home, now, would be sweet.]

8. a driving range. [same as the home gym. it’s so hard to drag my ass to the neighborhood range in 102 degree heat with a ton of work to do. if i could take work breaks with my pitching wedge in the backyard my mood and productivity would be limitless.]

9. my best friends. [the one in nyc especially, but really all my girlfriends are included. i am planning on having a girl slumber party over here sometime in the next month or so. boys, we promise to take pictures of those fabulous pillow & tickle fights.]

10. a wine cellar. [it’s possible i’d never leave the house again. or every time i did leave i’d have a headache or still be drunk. but wine is the only thing i’ve ever been interested in collecting and it’s much cooler than a stamp collection in the basement.]

Once a Lemming, Always a Lemming.

10 Movies America Loved that I did Too:

1. Fight Club. [this movie illuminates the dreams of any and all humans with a functioning brain. if you loath bureaucracy and the cliche human condition and wish you could break every rule that’s supposed to apply, you get it and are instinctively drawn to it. so am i.]

2. Forrest Gump. [the sweetest character ever created to date and it’s hard to beat. the lessons of unconditional love and joy that come out of this box of chocolates gets me every time. see, that was cheesy and it still worked cause it’s Forrest.]

3. No Country for Old Men. [there is something about a film where you don’t really know what’s going on and yet you don’t want to blink because you’ll miss something. when characters are so dark they make you squirm, and when the cinematography is so crystal clear in its vision that you can smell the blood and feel the sandy gravel under your nails it’s magic.]

4. Up. [Pixar’s crowning jewel in my mind; this movie covers the gamut. love, loneliness, friendship, revenge, dreams, loyalty and love for animals. how they squeezed all that into one animated film still baffles me.]

5. Shawshank Redemption. [a perfect friendship. a man whose last goal in life is simply salvaging his dignity. a new perspective on what truly lies at our core as human beings. brilliant.]

6. 500 Days of Summer. [i know it’s not the best movie ever. BUT, no other movie in the last several years made me giggle and settle in and enjoy like this one. give me a sweet, lost boy falling in love with a quirky, lost girl who doesn’t love him as much and i am good for two hours. singing and dancing, love scenes in Ikea, and a soundtrack that includes The Smiths can’t really go wrong.]

7. The Big Lebowski. [we all get it but i’m going to say it anyway. caucasians, the Dude, bowling, great dialogue, porn, comedians that make you laugh just by looking at them, and a script that’s solid as fuck. YEAH. never gets old.]

8. The Notebook. [the movie fanatic part of me fell in love with ryan g. a little bit before this movie was released so him playing a man who builds a dream home for the woman he’s always loved and literally waits for her there was just icing on the cake. he continues to stun me with his choices and i am positive this is my generation’s Paul Newman. go see Drive. if you haven’t seen Lars and the Real Girl rent that first.]

9.  Office Space. [i think i’ve watched this movie 50 times. seriously. i’ve only seen Batman more. okay that’s weird. but to this day i cannot wait to take a sledge hammer to a fax machine. i am also sure that i will someday walk into one of my jobs and say i just don’t think i care much anymore. jesus i don’t even work in an office.]

10. Sideways. [fucking Merlot. i especially love this movie once the women enter the picture. the raw sensitivity of it all…the way they describe the wine and grapes, their passions and lost relationships, and then we get to laugh about it all. this is how life should be and is.]

First Impressions.

10 Terrible First Date Ideas:

1. sporty activities. [i think the best way to immediately get to know a person is to aggressively try and beat them at something and make them feel like an idiot. you can show each other how petty and terribly uncoordinated you are, and have your first big fight all within 3 hours of your initial meeting. might as well make it boxing. do it.]

2. a movie. [movies are a huge part of my life and a passionate conversation starter but sitting in a dark theater, stuffing your face with greasy popcorn, and never actually speaking to the stranger next to you sounds like you both should have just stayed home and read a good book.]

3. a party with all of your friends. [whether or not it’s the intention, this date smacks of desperation. i really want a boyfriend and a better apartment and a ring and a baby and grandchildren like sometime in the next 3 months. wanna meet all my friends at the same time as meeting me? cool.]

4. a really good expensive restaurant. [my only problem with this is the possibility of the two of you completely hating each other. or having nothing to talk about. or getting sat next to a celebrity who winds up being a constant reminder of just how normal your date is. now you are stuck in an amazing restaurant ~ which usually means it’s going to last more than an hour and a half ~ and neither one of you can enjoy the beauty of it. don’t waste a great meal. send me cash and i’ll go for you. by myself.]

5. a bar near your house. [bars are good meeting spots because there’s no time commitment and a little drinking helps everyone feel a lot less nervous. it’s the “near your house” part that gets a bit tricky. 4 Maker’s and Cokes later where do you think the two of you are going to haplessly end up?]

6. New Year’s Eve. [i actually had a guy ask me out for a blind date on this enormous pressure-cooker of an event. i gently declined but am still astonished to this day that he didn’t think maybe that was a bit much. NYE can be a let down for couples in their 9th year of marriage so i am pretty positive a first date is never going to dodge that bullet.]

7. a comedy club. [ooooh the discomfort of comedians who aren’t funny at all. and the crowd trying hard to laugh because half of them are his/her friends. and the watered down 2 drink minimum and the possibility of some joke offending someone and then that awkward remainder of the date where you don’t know what kind of jokes you’ll ever be able to make with this person. it’s official: the two of you are now the comedy show.]

8. anything water related. [wedgies in wet bathing suits, snotty noses, no possibility for grooming retaining its wow factor, and that whole competitive let’s-get-our-first-fight-out-of-the-way thing add up to a recipe for disaster. unless both of you are avid surfers, there should be a lifeguard who blows his whistle and yells “first date? on no, no, no. out of the water!”]

9. a loud club. [kind of like a movie. standing next to one another trying not to make a fool of yourself by dancing or singing along, not really talking because it’s way too loud, and then going home wondering if you were on a date or just standing next to some guy while listening to a band. might as well be the latter.]

10. your birthday. [this is just silly. so silly, they wrote a Seinfeld episode about it. if you think you should be spending your birthday with a first date, i don’t think you should be reading this blog. seriously. close the window.]

Not Always a Lemming

10 Movies America Loved that I Hated

1. War of the Worlds. [oh? you say only one director worked on this movie? i am so confused.]

2. The English Patient. [so long. so boring. so long. i love romantic movies but this one doesn’t bring on the warm and fuzzies. it brings on the narcolepsy.]

3. The Royal Tenenbaums. [i like some things Wes Anderson does (mmm Rushmore), but this was just plain pretentious and annoying. who cares about these people? nothing irks me more than a bunch of celebrities thrown into a movie with very little plot. that was a shout out to you Valentine’s Day.]

4. Bridget Jones’s Diary. [i have always wanted to like her ever since Jerry McGuire but i just can’t. those squinty eyes and those puffy cheeks really freak me out.]

5. Titanic. [yes i was astounded at the graphics. if you remember, this type of cgi was new and brilliant at that point. other than that, didn’t feel much. really enjoyed watching people fly off a sideways Titanic and wanted more of that.]

6. King Kong. [aside from the fact that every time i see an animal in danger in a movie it makes me bawl more than my divorce, most of this movie was overdone in my opinion. why the desperate need to remake anything and everything?]

7. Luhrmann’s Romeo & Juliet. [the best way to ruin a classic that should never be touched? put Baz on the case. guns and loud music do not Romeo & Juliet make. disgraceful.]

8. Chicago. [i’m sorry but if you’ve ever seen a Broadway show you will understand that these cannot be replicated. by anyone. ever. i appreciate the attempt and admit it was better than Evita, but i can’t say it was good.]

9. Precious. [terrible life, tragic situation, heartwarming character, yes, yes, yes. bludgeon me over the head until i give in and squeeze out a tear. thanks for the head trauma.]

10. Shakespeare in Love. [an Academy Award? oh yeah, most of the movies that win those suck. momentarily forgot.]