truth or dare.

July 30, 2017

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10 truths we all Know but don’t want to Admit:

Truth #1: Pinocchio. [we aren’t that good at lying. but people pretend right along with us. and then sometimes ~ if they know us well ~ they’re playing along to get us to admit to the lie. or sometimes we all play the game together with silent understanding. do we think this makes life easier or more challenging? whatever the reason, it’s true.]

Truth #2: Fantasy Island. [the story in our head never turns out to be reality. i envision every important scenario in my life and how it will most likely turn out. this takes great over-thinking. careful attempts to be unbiased and get the most logical possible picture. not once has this vision been even remotely accurate. i’m even terrible at predicting winners of the Bachelor. clearly, this is not my forte. but we all do this, it’s true.]

Truth #3: Show & Tell. [no one wants to see all of our photos. we know it and yet it’s such a strong need to show, show, show! and even when our friend or loved one looks like they are positively watching paint dry, we keep on showing. it’s an addiction ~ a moving train that’s going way too fast to ditch. and don’t get me started on our playlists. you know, it’s true.]

Truth #4: Hide & Seek. [we all live with at least one shame from childhood. there’s certainly traumatic options here, but even smaller less damaging experiences are hard to admit. peer pressure to do something not so wonderful, family crap, a less than attractive show of weakness, or just a really awkward phase… we all got ’em. it’s so easy to hide but it’s true.]

Truth #5: Mirror, Mirror. [if the same thing keeps happening to you, you are the common denominator. the world does not revolve around you. you are not the center of the universe. however, if your head keeps slamming up against the same brick wall – same fight, same girl, same guy, same problem – we all know that the universe has a lesson made just for you. pay attention and enjoy the spotlight for a moment because it’ll pass once you realize it’s true.]

Truth #6: Scaredy Cat. [we all fight fear an inordinate amount of the time. whether it’s death or the person next door who doesn’t look like you or the doctor or being vulnerable or feeling responsible or being accepted or cancer or war or walking alone in the dark. i despise fear and i fear people’s fear. a personal conundrum but it’s true.]

Truth #7: Swim Fan. [we all have obsessions and/or addictions. i believe it’s a human thing as we work it all out in this life. maybe it’s okay to obsess about at least one thing. it’s probably the thing we are best at. or… we will be eventually. or…we’ll be admitted to Passages Malibu but things will always get better. it’s true.]

Truth #8: Secret Agent. [you never really know a person. we all walk around with our friends and our siblings and our co-workers and our husbands and our children and we spend 100% of our time acting like we know these crazies. like because we’ve spent hours talking with them and sleeping with them and feeding them that we know them like no one else does. that is some delusional shit and incredible because it’s true.]

Truth #9: Fire Starter. [we have horrible thoughts sometimes. this one is really tough to admit. nobody wants to judge themselves at a core level of humanity, including me. but i admit, my thoughts have wandered down a dark path now and again. i figure all i can do is work on facing it and appreciate that i haven’t actually acted on any of those thoughts. it’s fucking hard being a good person, it’s true.]

Truth #10: Sleeping Beauty. [at times, we fake sleeping. everybody always talks about women faking all kinds of shit but what about the sleeping? we have all had a moment where we didn’t want the person coming to bed to know we were awake – for so many various reasons. and we all secretly also know that they know that we ain’t sleeping. let’s all keep doing it anyway just because it’s true.]

soul shifting.

May 14, 2017

10 things that completely shift when you find out you have a life-altering disease:

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1. the taste of food. [i really cannot figure out if this is medicine related or the mind. i prefer to think that my brain immediately realized its own mortality and decided to try anything and everything it illogically hated before – just in case. i have much more respect for my brain this way.]

2. the passage of time. [well what can i say? it is just moving differently. a little slower… a little less rushed… a bit more boring but with more flavor. i can only compare this to being under water with music and light and a mixed feeling of dread and joy. hmmm. i think #2 makes me sound slightly bonkers. oki.]

3. the difficulty of addiction. [have you ever wondered if a doctor ordered you not to do something would it be easier to quit? and then wondered if that was your addict ego just prolonging the quitting and why some people can just stop cold turkey and others get cancer and smoke until their last breath and which one am i? a doctor telling you to quit is the only way to know who you are in this scenario and it turns out…it’s pretty easy. phew.]

4. the purpose. [well shit. it’s not being green-lit to make your movies or getting that perfect job or finding that life partner that feels like coming home or meditation or nothing. turns out, it’s all of it.]

5. the priorities. [i don’t really care about you. i mean, in the bigger sense of things. turning 40 said goodbye to about ten thousand fucks, but finding out you have a degenerative disease? oh hell no. i come first and everyone who loves me is saying it’s about time anyway.]

6. the love and kindness. [i really do care about you. because like it or not, like me or not, we live in a world and a community where we are all interconnected. may sound cliche but the truth is that every piece of love we put out there is a huge something. every. tiny. piece.]

7. the days. [like i said, time already moves a bit differently. i want to wake up every morning and think, what will make me happy today and god damn do it. today i ate 3 pieces of pizza and walked for an hour blasting music. each day a thing we have at our happiness disposal.]

8. the friends. [this morning i got a text message from a girlfriend that said “just thinking of you today and how thankful i am for you! love you.” no joke, this morning. and i get these all the time because i am the luckiest fucking person in the world. everyone deserves such love.]

9. the forgiveness. [i recently had my heart broken. again. and believe me, there are days when i think wow, that is absolutely the last person i will ever get to know in an intimate way. i am done – totally done forever. but then, i think about what my life would be like if i had never met him, and what if this disease does something horrible to me really, really soon. and then i think, thank god. thank god i got that time with another human being who showed me i still have the strength to crack my heart wide open and love. even when it isn’t wanted. my beautiful heart.]

10. the gratefulness. [the taste of food, time, quitting smoking, the ever-allusive purpose of life, myself, others, every day and every friend. forgiveness. for these things i am so grateful and i always will be, as long as i am here. make that as long as humanly possible.]

a singular sensation

August 22, 2016

alone5

Preface: I have had a very hard time writing blogs posts lately and I couldn’t really figure out why. I have hundreds of drafts; hundreds. Yet, none of them give me that rush of “yes – I need to post this NOW. this is exactly how i feel in this moment.”

I’ve realized tonight that part of this is not spending time being vulnerable anymore. I’ve been strong and confident and independent and present and self-evaluating for months now… and it’s time to just allow myself to be vulnerable again. Whether that comes across as negative or needy or weak… i don’t care. so here it is – what i really want to write – in all its lonely glory. an homage to being single for 6 years, 2 months and a handful of days.

10 thoughts when you are lonely and have been for a very long time:

  1. am I picky or just weird? [so my friends say i’m picky – of course. but i always try to be honest. could it really be that i’m giving off a vibe of… well i don’t know… weird? or too nice or too independent or too comfortable or too happy or too slutty or too prudish or too easy going? i know this is an incredibly pointless exercise. but it’s honest.]
  2. why do the most popular cliche sayings seem so right but are proving to be so wrong? [as soon as you become single people begin to advise. love yourself first… when you aren’t looking for it… keep yourself open… write out everything you want in a partner… let go and focus on other things… be grateful for everything else in your life. yes. i agree. 1000% agree. i’m just mentioning here, that 6 years later i am still quite lonely.]
  3. people just seem so fucked up. [the human race is sucking it up. did something change or do past decades look so much better than they actually were because we don’t ever remember the bad? all i know is, people are shitty. i’m smacking into more narcissists, men with no manners, and fucked up, closed off people than i can count on 3 hands.]
  4. is there a beautiful fun vacation spot for single people? [Hawaii is out. nope, not Palm Springs. Cabo, no sir. has anyone been to Iceland lately? how’s that looking?]
  5. dating apps don’t work for everyone. [my best friend met the love of her life on OK Cupid. i know for a fact these things can work, but i want to make a clear statement that they don’t always work for everyone. that’s all.]
  6. do people feel sorry for me? [Jesus i really hope not. i hope all of my friends and family and exes and co-workers know that i love a lot about being single. i also love who i’ve become as i creep closer and closer to 40. i love how i look and how i behave and who i surround myself with. sometimes, secretly, but not-so-secretly after this post… i think i might just want a relationship so everyone else can relax.]
  7. standard shifting. [as i get older i notice my standards get higher but fewer at the same time. how is this possible? i no longer need anyone to spend a ton of time with me and i feel set in my ways and crave more alone time than ever… but i want someone so right and so good for me that they are nearing damn perfect which is… well ridiculous.]
  8. if i move will that make a difference? [a lot of women who live in LA blame being single on being in LA. all the singles talk about here is the horrible cesspool of dating that we refer to as Los Angeles. i don’t know. will Austin be the answer? will the guys in Boulder want a real woman with real boobs and real sanity? at some point the moving experiment may be inevitable.]
  9. when it gets real obvious. [there are moments where loneliness is more palpable. like when you’re sitting on your couch watching Stranger Things and you realize with elation that this is the best thing you’ve seen on tv in years. and you look around with a huge grin on your face so excited to share this moment… only to quickly remember that you are still quite alone on your couch. the beauty of Hawaii, accomplishing a life goal, getting excited about a show because you are passionate about good film…these are moments to be shared and no one will ever convince me otherwise.]
  10. love is the most important thing ever. [i desperately want to believe this is a myth. i want to feel in my heart and my belly that work and friends and giving back and living a grateful full life is all enough, because that makes sense in my head. but my heart and my belly want to love and nurture and connect and i just can’t seem to shake it.]

word.

August 4, 2015

scrabble tiles

10 of my favorite words and why:

1. Synesthesia. [nouna sensation produced in one modality when a stimulus is applied to another modality, as when the hearing of a certain sound induces the visualization of a certain color. i don’t have the privilege of experiencing this neurological phenomenon firsthand, however i can imagine the sound of a girl crying on the Bachelorette inducing the vision of… a collage of reds with a background of a very bland grey. and a knife in my right eye.]

2. frambuesas. [in the 9th grade i had an extremely cool Spanish teacher who was young and funny and went to Rush concerts. i still don’t really know who the hell Rush is or what they sound like. but her favorite word in Spanish was frambuesas. she would say it every day and roll her r’s like she was making love to the word. i have been infatuated ever since.]

3. chalk. [this is all about the sound. there are clear images of the chalk board i had as a child and my hands covered in pink dust after a gymnastics lesson, but more than that i love onomatopoeia. chalk. when i say it i feel it in my throat and remember a classroom and pavement and something else that i can’t quite place.]

4. smoke. [this word immediately recalls memories and sounds and pictures and smells for me. the scent of sulfur when lighting a match, the vision of a swirl of white in the air, the memory of a campfire you worked hard to ignite and kept lit for hours. such wistfulness in 5 letters.]

5. sanctuary. [this word was the theme of a meditation sitting group i attended recently and it spoke to me immediately. there is nothing like the sanctuary and comfort of your own silence and self. a necessary kindness that is so easily accessible if we just take a moment.]

6. serendipity. [there’s a common misconception of this word in America ~ probably due to the unfortunate Cusack movie that we should all just put behind us if we like John at all. “fortunate happenstance” might come to mind when you see the word. what speaks to me: “Serendipity: Look for something, find something else, and realize that what you’ve found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for.” -Lawrence Block.]

7. solitude. [peace. absence of human interaction. nothing but woods or water or sand or sky. how else can we know anything outside ourselves and stop talking for just a moment?]

8. moist. [why oh why do women everywhere hate this word? i have close friends that look like they are going to literally grab my hair and start a girl fight if i say it one more time. so i say it a lot and i like it. because it’s funny. to annoy people.]

9. gloaming. [does anyone remember that movie In the Gloaming? i was going through a Robert Sean Leonard phase and it was the first time I heard the word. when i later learned it meant “dusk,” which had been one of my favorite words prior, it was immediately replaced. gloaming. that time of day that is just so ethereal. i have always loved the in-between.]

10. suspense. [the cliffhanger, the waiting, the taut gut-wrenching moment, the feeling of being weightless, the thriller that keeps your eyes open so long they begin to feel dry and teary, the magic of being unsure. change is coming and who knows what it will bring?]

totally TalkED into it.

November 11, 2014

brain5

10 TED talks that have moved and changed me:

1. Janet Echelman: Taking Imagination Seriously. [fav quote: “as i watched the wind’s choreography unfold, i felt sheltered and at the same time connected to limitless sky.” this wonderful woman. i admire anyone and everyone who creates – especially those who do it in a way that you’re positive it’s a direct channel straight to their soul. breathtaking.]

2. Brené Brown: The Power of Vulnerability. [fav quote: “…and she said I’m going to call you a storyteller and I was like…why not magic pixi?” a great reminder to face our vulnerability and remain open to what may be the most important things in life: courage, compassion and connection. much like the Grant Study, these are the talks/essays/lectures/books/movies/conversations that remind me of our greater purpose.]

3. Susan Cain: The Power of Introverts. [fav quote: “solitude matters and for some people it is the air that they breathe. and in fact, we have known for centuries about the transcendent power of solitude.” one of my favorite talks thus far…Susan covers several moving topics all in one eloquent speech. a speech made by an absolute introvert.]

4. Hans Rosling: Global Population Growth, Box by Box. [fav quote: “I’m a very serious possibilist. It’s a new category.” yes, i am already quite drawn to this particular global issue, however i love this TED talk for other reasons. make a concept visual for me by using plastic bins, toy cars, toy bicycles, and a pair of flip-flops and i’m definitely sucked in. oh, and the proposed solution is profound.]

5. Elizabeth Gilbert: Your Elusive Creative Genius. [fav quote: “even I, in my mulishness, even I have brushed up against that thing.” that elusive genii, that inexplicable strange external thing that blows through us and gives us a piece of something beyond ourselves. support and embrace the courage of your creative loved ones.]

6. Dan Barber: A Foie Gras Parable. [fav quote: “it’s a gift from God with God saying you’ve done good work.” i don’t know what to say except i’m in love with foie gras, i’m in love with this chef’s humor and message, i’m in love with the Spanish goose whisperer…it’s a serious love fest over here.]

7. Jane McGonigal: Gaming Can Make a Better World. [fav quote: “3 billion hours a week is not nearly enough game-play to solve the worlds’ most urgent problems.” the ONLY argument that has ever made me appreciate gaming. it’s such an interesting theory. check it out.]

8. David Steindl-Rast: Want to Be Happy? Be grateful. [fav quote: “it’s so revolutionary it revolutionizes the very concept of a revolution.” a monk says stop, look, go. our consciousness is changing and David summarizes this movement in a truly inspirational way.]

9. Ric Elias: 3 Things I Learned While My Plane Crashed. [fav quote: “About a month later I was in a performance by my daughter…first grader…not much artistic talent.” I’m generally fascinated by people who have been through scary and/or near-death experiences and what they learned from these precious moments in time. a short, sweet and simple talk reminding us how short, sweet and simple life can be.]

10. David Griffin: How Photography Connects Us. [fav quote: “photography carries a power that holds up under the relentless swirl of today’s saturated media world.” picking the photograph for my blog posts is often just as fulfilling as writing them. i marvel at the concept of how photography connects us, taps into our deepest and most human emotions, and can ultimately change our perception and the world.]

  Ideas worth spreading – http://www.ted.com/talks TEDtalks logo

much appreciated.

October 9, 2014

poached eggs

10 things it took me over 30 years to enjoy:

1. Eggs [i hated these so much as a kid i smothered them in ketchup. i still enjoy a little ketchup and Sriracha here and there, but man there’s nothing like a poached egg on a Sunday morning. on a crab cake.]

2. Love. [not that i didn’t “enjoy” being in love in the past. that’s clearly impossible. however, hindsight is 20/20 and i do think that i may have taken some of it for granted. between the age of 15 and 33 i was single a total of 11 months. combined. now that i’m officially in the longest stint of singledom i could ever have imagined, i see love as quite the rare blessing & i look forward to really showing it the appreciation it has always deserved.]

3. Alone time. [i’m an only child so there’s been a lot of alone time in my life. i taught my stuffed animals for years ~ just me and my Pound Puppies & Cabbage Patch Kids in my room with a blackboard ~ and i wished for a sibling who could be my real-life playmate. now i realize what a fine thing it is to spend time with just me, myself, and i.]

4. Exercise. [in high school i remember getting up at 5:30am, turning on the television, and working out to Gilad’s Bodies In Motion. he was in Hawaii with some lovely ladies; all sweating and tanning simultaneously. i remember feeling this was a chore that i needed to do – to stay thin and “normal” and not get kicked off the cheerleading squad. now i work out because it makes me feel stronger, taller, more confident and more capable of just about everything.]

5. Compliments. [someone recently made it a point to tell me how much they enjoy reading my blog and how much they would love to see more. this person is not my best friend and is in fact, someone i only see once a year through work. i didn’t even know my blog was on her radar. a decade ago i would have responded with a “gee thanks” or a “oh really? that’s nice.” this time i jumped up and down and clapped my hands and thanked her profusely for feeling that way and telling me. a kid in a candy store.]

6. Straightened hair. [the 25% of my genes that come from Spain give me lovely eyelashes and a healthy appetite for paella and wine but also happen to bestow upon me the weirdest waviest hair ever. i’ve spent countless hours in the bathroom ~ combing, straightening, arranging, and basically trying to pull it all out. now i get my hair chemically straightened every 4 months and i don’t even have to brush it. a simple but marvelous miracle.]

7. Social media. [as my last post suggests, i often feel torn about social media and definitely go through phases of hating it. but overall i’ve come to appreciate and honor this technological gift. we are so very lucky to be able to reconnect with long lost friends and promote our passions with the click of a button.]

8. Hip hop. [i still have a beef with my best friend from my high school who ~ in my perception ~ sees me as that girl i was in 11th grade. living under a music boulder. but when i hit my early 30s there was a re-discovery of a deep love for music and hip hop has worked its way in there like the true baller it is.]

9. A roommate. [with all of the crap we deal with in a day, what’s better than coming home to a person you love? everyone deserves someone who totally gets and accepts you, will always listen, and more than anything will sit in silence with you and watch 19 Kids and Counting.]

moonride kingdom

10. Wes Anderson. [i spent about 10 years telling people that i felt 50/50 on Wes Anderson. in reality, this statement was total bullshit. one of those things you said once and in that moment decided it was definitely the way you felt about it even though you never gave it any thought at all. recently i went through the entire Anderson filmography and realized…uh, yeah i like his stuff. a lot. like more than most filmmakers. oops. sorry everyone. i take it all back.]

 

be social.

September 24, 2014

socialm

5 remarkably bothersome Social Media posts:

1. the attention grab. [it goes something like this: “ohhhhhh NOOOOOO. what a terrible horrible no good very bad day!!” and that’s all they say. let the comments of agonizing questions like “are you OK??” and “call me!!” begin.]

2. the butt plug. [that lovely person who takes the same picture over and over again, makes it into a frame of 6, and then posts about 4-17 times in a matter of 3 minutes. buzz kill. feed kill.]

3. the passer aggressor. [it astonishes me when i see a post that’s oh-not-so-subtly explaining how frustrated they are with a certain someone’s behavior or how upsetting it is that “people” can be so rude or how their c*** girlfriend totally slept with someone else.]

4. the un-appetizer. [food posts can be great. on Instagram i follow @dagmara_ch. she takes beautiful pictures of food that inspire me to eat better and make my meals prettier. however, i do not need to see a picture of soggy pancakes or a half-eaten hotdog. no necessito.]

5. the rant. [i believe social media is an incredible outlet to share your views, dreams, ambitions, successes, and crazy thoughts with the world. or whatever you want to share really. it’s akin to the butt plug though. can we please not fill everyone’s feed with your particular political views every second of every day? sometimes less is more. that is all.]

5 immensely lovable Social Media posts:

1. the accomplishment. [tell me what you’re most proud of. tell me what you’ve been sweating and bleeding over for 4 years and just completed. tell me how grateful you are for this amazing thing you finally got credit for. it inspires me and everyone else and if it doesn’t, who cares about those people anyway?]

2. the comedy. [i get most of mine from Twitter, but there are definitely other sites that provide my favorite jokesters an instantaneous audience to test their jokes. keep ’em coming folks. laughter is the best part of life and if you get more than 100 likes you’d better put that shit in your act.]

3. the big life moments. [similar to #1. if i follow you on any particular social media outlet i WANT to know when you have a baby or get married or fall in love or book your first acting gig or move to the big city or build your dream house. life’s biggest moments are meant to be shared. transitions in life can be overwhelming and daunting but change is beautiful ~ especially when someone’s open about it.]

4. the community. [a few of my friends only use social media to promote. themselves, business ventures, friends’ of friends business ventures, amazing causes, or just awesomeness going on around town. i don’t watch the news very often but i always feel in touch with my community.]

5. the skill. [we are all extremely good at something or several things. i love seeing someone share what they are profoundly good at. whether it’s taking honest and vulnerable photos, finding the most inspiring quotes you’ve never heard before, or creating the best damn quips that make everyone laugh in the middle of their day ~ who couldn’t use a little social media?]

tell me about it Martha.

September 17, 2014

a_vineyard dock

10 lessons one can only learn on Martha’s Vineyard:

1. paddle ’til it hurts. [if you desire intense arm soreness mixed with the most peaceful solitude possible, get your butt in a kayak.]

2. rise and shine. [if you wake up early and walk straight onto the sand, the rest of your day will fall perfectly into place.]

3. hike it out. [if you wander through the woods with an open heart you will definitely run into an animal. like a cow or a peacock.]

4. enjoy the missions. [if you take an early drive for things like fresh eggs or home-baked pies, expect to have to do it a few times until you get it right.]

5. snap away. [if you want beautiful photos realize that every sunset here is different. take pictures every day, all day.]

6. converse. [if you want to safely get into a hammock in the dark after you’ve had a few drinks, just talk to it. gently.]

7. just ask. [if you want the best bagel you’ve ever tasted, ask your Aunt Stacy to make it from scratch.]

8. exercise the brain. [if you want to really test your Swiss cheese memory make sure to drive past places you last visited 15 years ago while completely high.]

9. make friends. [if you love dogs, give them cheerios and tummy rubs. and car rides. and walks on the beach. and cheerios.]

10. just book it. [if you want to sleep like a baby, smile like you’ve lost it, and embrace peace and joy like you mean it, don’t think ~ just go.]

CK One.

August 22, 2014

mic1_CK

10 insightful & laughable Louis C.K. quotes:

1. People say, “My phone sucks.” No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone. [of course i’ve had moments where frustration with my cell phone got the best of me. but hearing this CK quote makes me laugh out loud. i’m so dumb. we’re all so dumb. i mean really – let’s all spend a minute (if you’re over 28 years old) doing a sense memory recall of our lives before these wondrous devices. and go.]

2. As humans, we waste the shit out of our words. It’s sad. We use words like “awesome” and “wonderful” like they’re candy. It was awesome? Really? It inspired awe? It was wonderful? Are you serious? It was full of wonder? You use the word “amazing” to describe a goddamn sandwich at Wendy’s. What’s going to happen on your wedding day, or when your first child is born? How will you describe it? You already wasted “amazing” on a fucking sandwich. [that’s a fucking epic statement Louis. epic.]

3. It’s like when you’re talking to a girl at a bar because you’re attracted to her, the first thing you say is always gonna be dog shit. The most honest thing you could say to her is ‘I wanna fuck your face.’ That’s the most honest thing you could say. [am i the only girl on the face of this planet that wants to hear the truth? just for a second. then definitely shut it down. but one second into the mind of what a male is really thinking when he’s hitting on me would be kind of amazing. see how i did that?]

4. A man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he’ll leave you as a human being intact. He won’t fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent, but they will shit inside of your heart. [my guy friends sometimes talk about that “crazy ex who ripped out their heart and then hammered nails into it and then tied it to the back of a pickup truck and dragged it 10 miles. who ARE these crazy bitches and why are they ruining it for the rest of us?]

5. When you first get married, you have a relationship that’s so important to you, and you’re working on it together. But then you have a kid. And you look at your kid and you go, “Holy shit, this is my child. She has my DNA. She has my name. I would die for her.” And you look at your spouse and go, “Who the fuck are you? You’re a stranger.” [ha. we feel so connected to someone that we decide to create a whole new human being with them and then it leads to…this. can’t wait.]

6. When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don’t let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else. [that’s it.]

7. Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce … That would be sad. If two people were married and they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times. [unbelievable as it may seem, 4 years after my separation i am still waiting for my divorce papers. there’s a bottle of Dom and some foi gras in the fridge just sitting there being saved for this momentous opening of the mail. does this mean i didn’t love my ex-husband? no. it means divorce is good news and we are going to celebrate. don’t DM me to discuss.]

8. Everything that’s difficult you should be able to laugh about. [you just stepped in dog shit – ok that’s clearly laughable. you just lost your job – ok maybe more difficult to laugh right away. but you and i both know that as soon as that better dream job rolls in you’ll be cracking up over drinks with your friends and talking about how it all worked out in the end. i’m going to embrace the laughter right now.]

9. Life’s too short to be an asshole, as an employer or as an employee. [what is with the assholes? can’t they grasp the notion that kindness can not only result in getting exactly what you want, but can also change someone’s day or life or heart forever? stupid, stupid assholes.]

10. I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish – that’s what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff. [i have a disease. it’s a disease of needing to know. it makes me extremely happy that i now know that Louis CK has the same disease. we should be pen pals. then i’d know all is right with the world and i’d be content in my knowing that he knows exactly what i mean.]

and tell.

August 13, 2014

Couple-Kissing-HD-Wallpaper

10 things about kissing:

1. squeeze. [the tightest hug possible as your arms wrap around me and the air rushes out of me and my ribs expand grasping for room but are hesitant with the fear of cracking. the tightest fullest hug.]

2. skin. [fingers crawling up my back, gentle and soft and tentative, my skin feeling your mouth, my palms full of hair and soft ears and the skin is so hard to distinguish, boy from girl, man from woman, skin from skin.]

3. moments in between. [when you realize there’s nowhere to be no one to be sounds outside that remind you of your bubble while you catch your breath for just one second and your heart races for the break to end.]

4. Q&A. [the secret silent questioning, searching, seeking for what it is you like and i like and what we could discover we like together. ah! you like biting the lower lip. i’ll do that. ah! you like a push and pull. i’ll do that.]

5. breath. [the moments when your lips are just far enough apart that they can still feel each other’s shadow, but the breath remains intertwined and you inhale and he exhales and you find a beautiful pattern here before diving back into contact.]

6. body parts. [how every part of our face is involved in the whole process – not just lips and hair and hands – but noses and eyelashes and freckles. fingers touching faces, breath touching breath, ears being whispered. and eskimo kisses.]

7. improv. [the ease of listening. the best kind of improv. completely present, listening, feeling energy, willing to wait and ready to go and always, always saying yes.]

8. roller-coaster. [your brain on a train, speeding over hills of connection and intensity, barreling down deep into valleys of quiet and peace, up down up down, joy, thinking, silence, laugh.]

9. scents. [is that him or me or soap or rain or sweet sweat or a faint touch of something like wine or a flower or a cigarette? the intoxicating scents of skin and energy and the day past.]

10. the dance. [the way it flows like a perfect rhythmic heartbeat, from one moment into another. now we are kissing, now we are complimenting, now we are hugging, now we are giggling, now we are kissing, now we just are.]