sunsets & palm trees.

October 23, 2017


10 things i’ve learned from a Lifetime of watching Movies:

  1. if i am in high school and i feel unpopular, all i have to do is get a makeover. i will walk into school the next day and everyone will finally see how beautiful i really am.
  2. if i am in a car crash, i will definitely roll away or run away or crawl away from that car as fast as possible. because it will blow up. it will blow up like there was a bomb hidden inside. even though there is no reason it should blow up, it’s gonna blow up. i’m out of there.
  3. if i am scared someone is watching me or in my house, i will not swing shut my medicine cabinet and look in the mirror. they will surely be right behind me. also, if there is a blackout, i will NOT use my phone to look at myself or take a photo. some person or some thing will surely be right behind me.
  4. if i become best friends with a bunch of guys, at least one of them will wake up someday and come to the realization that i have always been the one for him. and he will show up at my door in the rain with a song or an object i pointed out in a gift shop once or burst into my apartment to articulately express his true feelings that he has just realized. that is, if he doesn’t meet a Manic Pixie Dreamgirl on his way over.
  5. if i befriend a black person, they will immediately and magically come to the aid of myself and all of my white friends. or at the very least make our lives significantly better with sage wisdom and thoughtful but practical advice.
  6. if i meet a stranger and want to have sex with them, i should do it because it will immediately be the best sex either of us has ever had. and although there will be much moaning and enjoyment, afterward i will not appear sweaty or disheveled in any way.
  7. if i smoke cigarettes i look super sexy, and it helps me through bad situations, and i smell just fine. oh and i only smoke after a tense moment or dramatic situation as i have no need for the disgusting things otherwise.
  8. if there is someone chasing me that is a very, very bad person and i actually do some bad-ass thing like shoot them right before they kill me, they aren’t dead. i have to remember these bad people can take at least 8 major blows to the head and a minimum of 5 bullet wounds. min-i-mum.
  9. if i see someone is scared and they tell me about something scary happening, i will go check it out. and i will die.
  10. i if live long enough to meet an alien, i may not be able to tell if they are bad or good right away, but i know for sure they can travel faster than me, they are stronger than me, they are smarter than me, and their technology is so super organic and sophisticated that i may not even really understand it.




5 mantras that are totally overrated.

1. Stay positive. [sometimes i hate Oprah. i remember a special she did once on being positive and i recall thinking there were several great things to take away from the episode. i believe in manifestation. i believe in keeping your thoughts and perspective light and positive because life is short. but when you tell me to “stay positive” after some psychopath killed a girl who didn’t want to go to the prom with him, i might just tell Oprah she can suck it.]

2. Never give up. [huh? sometimes what we are striving toward or dealing with isn’t the best thing for us and it simply takes us a little while to see it. when you realize that job or that living situation or that person isn’t doing you any favors guess what you should do?]

3. Time heals all wounds. [again, some truth, okay. we’ve all been burned and certainly as time passes things get a bit duller – wounds seem less fresh and we move on. but some wounds are going to leave a perfect pink scar – reminding us of where we’ve been, who we’ve loved and how bumpy the journey can be. i’ll show you mine if you show me yours.]

4. Tomorrow is another day. [yes, thank you, very wise, thank you. but what if i get hit by a semi tomorrow before my day even got started? just sayin.]

5. Don’t sweat the small stuff. [i sweat the small stuff. when something big happens i can be very zen and fully navigate the situation with grace. the small stuff like traffic and idiotic people and my annoying pets and my friend that totally misunderstood me and the ants that keep invading my house… these things make me sweat. and i think that makes me human.]

5 mantras that aren’t overrated.

1. Sometimes, simply by sitting, the soul collects wisdom. [the universe is sending me a sign. it’s called a “you need to start fucking meditating sign.” cause everywhere i go lately, it’s mentioned, recommended, lectured, gently advocated – directly to me. so i started sitting. thank you universe, my soul is starting to feel better already.]

2. In order to carry a positive action we must develop a positive vision. [as my cat meows at me in his loudest most abrasive kitty voice just outside our side door RIGHT NOW, i know i must turn this vision on its head. in order to not hit said kitty i must think “thank god my cat is alive and able to meow.” i think this about covers it.]

3. I will accept the things I cannot change. [i’m a go-with-the-flow kinda gal. not too controlling, willing to see another person’s point of view and even more willing to adopt it if it makes sense to me. but still… so difficult to remember when something isn’t going my way. a death-like grip and an insane stubbornness to try and change it might not be the answer. acceptance can be key. some things just… are.]

4. No matter what the situation, remind yourself “I have a choice.” [i had an acting coach – a good one actually – who used to always tell me my block or the issue i most had to overcome was playing the victim in my life. we all have choices. nobody wants to hear someone complain over and over about their situation and take zero action toward changing it. those people are really god damn irritating.]

5. Happiness is a continuation of happenings which are not resisted. [life is about flow. mindfulness and flow. yes, i might be meditating and i might just like it.]

If the shoe fits.

September 12, 2011

10 Cliches that are Completely True:

1. the devil is in the details. [i am obsessed with overanalyzing just as much as the next girl who is single and has little to do late at night. yet, when i am at my quietest and look at something from the simplest perspective possible, great revelations occur.]

2. absence makes the heart grow fonder. [it’s a universal joke that’s played on all of us. the more i live without something, the more i love it and crave it and feel it’s the only thing that would make my life perfect. and every once in a while, it does just that.]

3. the grass is always greener. [a symbiotic match to number 2 resembling a biopolar disorder that comes out of nowhere. that job he has is awesome. oh no, now i have it and it’s totally boring. that neighborhood is amazing. oh crap, now i live there and there’s no parking. relationships are the key to happiness. oh no, now i’m married and realize that being single was a gift i never appreciated. the truth is, unless my lawn is dry and patchy, cracked and totally unattended to, it’s still green.]

4. beauty is in the eye of the beholder. [the longer i live and the closer i feel to my friends and family the more impeccable they seem. and guess what? i may live in LA but no one in my circle is a supermodel.]

5. better late than never. [life is short. if i get somewhere i’ve always wanted to be, even if it’s about 30 years later than i originally planned, that f’ing rocks. if i accomplish something that adds worth to my life, i could be 101 years old. the when is insignificant.]

6. there’s no place like home. [my parents say that when i was very young i wanted to watch The Wizard of Oz over and over again every day and that the way i requested this movie was by yelling “Dorofy!  Dorofy!” for me home is not necessarily a geographical location, but where i feel comfort, love, and the incessant need to smile. no place like it.]

7. you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. [once a person passes the age of 35 their ability to change anything meaningful about their personality reduces by about 90%. if someone shows us who they really are and they’re past their mid-thirties we might want to believe them. change should not be expected, and if it ever does appear, it’ll be a really lovely surprise.]

8. give an inch and they’ll take a mile. [damn us who feel instinctive generosity and damn people who take advantage. my only consolation is that once they are many miles ahead of me on that road to success, they really won’t have a clue what to do with it anyway and a car crash is imminent.]

9. the more things change, the more things stay the same. [in college i told people that i wished i had lived in the 50s because i felt out of place in my generation. since then it’s become clearer that we just recycle everything anyway and it’s all relative. after taking a closer look, politics, religion, trends, friends and relationships all have the same common threads and i know where i am isn’t an era, it’s just good ol’ life.]

10. you only live once. [didn’t i mention something about life being short earlier? doing what fills me with passion…what makes me tingly all over…what brings back that kid-like joy. i may wind up doing some harebrained things, but hopefully when all is said and done, regret won’t be in my vocabulary when i’m 70.]