ya’ll got me confused.

January 30, 2012

10 things that come to Mind when i think of the South:

1. the land & sea. [much like California, North Carolina is one of those rare gem states where you can go from mountains to ocean in 2.2 seconds. maybe more like 6 hours but you get the idea. love the Blue Ridge Parkway, miss the salty ocean air, crave the soft sand of pristine beaches, hate the drive from one to the other. but what a small price to pay.]

2. the astonishing food. [when i was a kid i thought everyone ate out 3 meals a day. come to find out my family does that because we live in a town with the freshest seafood on the east coast which also happens to be a beautiful resort area attracting some of the best chefs in the country. i learned how to boil water my freshman year of college.]

3. the thunderstorms. [i pine for thunderstorms in general, but there is something about the heat lightning and rain and thunder in the dead flush of summer on an open marina in the South that makes my toes curl in a good way.]

4. the vapidness of the people. [there are some Southerners who live by an extremely vapid motto: you are as successful and happy as your neighbors think you are. bonkers. i think it’s an “old South” thing ~ like being Republican or Baptist or racist and not even knowing why. thank god i was born in New Jersey.]

5. the integrity of the people. [if you can ignore the insane draaawl that makes your brain immediately assume the worst about a person & their intellect, you’ll realize there’s some damn fine people down South. they really do wave at you when you drive by; especially if you don’t know them. they really do have fabulous hospitality and smile a lot and make you feel cozy and welcome pretty much everywhere you go.]

6. the humidity. [do you enjoy sweating profusely as you step out of the shower? do you desire the feeling that the air entering your lungs has its own weight and mass? are you fascinated with flying roach-like bugs and mosquitoes that are capable of eating your small child? if you answered yes to any of these questions i probably went to high school with you and you never left.]

7. the charm. [if you have never lived in the South, parasols and white gloves may come to mind and there are parts of the South that still embrace those traditions. charming historic downtown homes & gardens you can tour surrounded by young women in pastel-colored hoop skirts. yep, i was one of them. shit did you really need to ask?]

8. the boredom. [this past December someone asked me if i would ever move back down South. i quickly responded “no.” maybe a little too quickly, cause they asked me why and the boredom factor was definitely at the top of the list. i don’t know what it is about the sleepy South that makes me so…sleepy but……..yawn…ugh. i have to be more productive than that.]

9. the bible. [when i was about 12 a friend of my parents asked me if i was baptized. i told her i didn’t think so ~ no. she then told me i was going to hell and couldn’t talk to me anymore. i cried. my parents said something nasty to her and stopped talking to her ~ i think. whatever, i have a terrible memory. all i know is it ain’t called the Bible Belt for nothing.]

10. the childhood memories. [short shorts & sand & tans & shrimp & azaleas & cheerleading & salty air & biscuits & fishing & running barefoot & terribly mean Southern girls & hurricanes & pig pickins’ & grits & Dawson’s Creek & first loves & James Taylor… bittersweet childhood memories. we all got ’em and mine apparently have a twang.]

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January 8, 2012

9 New Year’s Resolutions i refuse to Make:

1. spend more time with family & friends. [the better half of my Sundays is spent trying to figure out which friends i can see that week. you’d think i was juggling an emergency room shift schedule. if you can read those last 2 sentences and realize i am not trying to be obnoxious in any way, you get me. i like people, i like hanging out with them, and i like making time for everyone. i think my New Year’s resolution should be to spend more time with my cactus garden.]

2. quit smoking. [now i know what you’re thinking; this would be a really good resolution. what could she possibly have to say to oppose this idea? cause i already quit in October! ha. now don’t you feel silly.]

3. quit drinking. [sorry this is never going to happen. unless a doctor tells me i have to. then okay, no biggy. but i really like a glass of wine with dinner. i also enjoy a cocktail after an especially long day of work. i’d rather jump off a roof than give up every vice i’ve ever had. please see #2 and congratulate me whenever you want.]

4. get organized. [i have a real affinity for my clutter. there are parts of my home and car that are organized and clean and parts that NEVER will be. unless i wind up living with someone who does it for me. and i have come to love these messy parts of me and my environment just as much as the super clean ones. is a tombstone with “she was super organized” really my ultimate goal anyway?]

5. save more money. [i think about it and attempt to get better at it all the time just like the rest of the world. however, i do not feel this should be a resolution because it implies me doing less fun things and possibly working more; neither of which i should be doing at all. ever.]

6. exercise more. [i am a creature of phases. sometimes i feel like doing healthy things that make me feel better and sometimes i just don’t. for instance, i am currently in a “working out like crazy” phase. this began about 2 weeks ago and has absolutely nothing to do with the New Year. i don’t believe i could realistically force myself in or out of these phases no matter how hard i try. i’ll admit i am not a creature of willpower.]

7. tell that special someone how you really feel. [fuck that. not necessary and i’d rather just go about my life with everyone living in ignorance and oblivion than deal with any sort of rejection or heartbreak or feeling anything bad at all. am i talking? what?]

8. see the good in people. [there are some real assholes out there that could seriously use this resolution but i already give people way too much credit. if anything, i should try and have more of a guard up and stop being so honest and forgiving…but that doesn’t seem like a very positive “New Year’s Resolution” so forget the whole thing.]

9. make a list of New Year’s resolutions. [much like the concept of Valentine’s Day, i get it and i understand why other people do it, but it’s just not for me. even with my irrational love for lists, i’d rather spend the hour it would take to come up with a list of resolutions doing something productive that i haven’t had a chance to do in a while. or just go here for 5 minutes while i’m bored at work: http://www.moninavelarde.com/newyears/]

1 New Year’s Resolution i will Make:

1. enjoy my time alone and keep learning to love it. [i plan on spending as much of 2012 dancing, laughing, playing music, reading, watching bad movies, watching good movies, watching bad tv, watching good tv, sleeping, being ridiculous, and creating. all in the comfort of my home. all by myself. and loving it.]

i love me.

January 2, 2012

10 reasons why narcissism in Los Angeles is Contagious:

1. it’s encouraged. [a few weeks ago this was brought up in conversation and it intrigues me. did you know that there are people in Los Angeles that actually tell their employees to treat their subordinates like complete shit? i’ve lived here for 10 years, love it, and am still baffled by this recent revelation. in fact, i can’t stop thinking about it.]
fnk
2. there’s too many people to focus on anyone but yourself. [i have lived in NYC, Boston, and LA over the past 15 years and the amount of people living in these cities is literally distracting. if you don’t like someone or don’t have time for someone or simply feel you want someone new every few days, there’s just that many options. it negates any reason to focus on anyone but yourself ~ ’til you wake up at 72 and realize you are utterly and completely alone. oops.]
fnk
3. there’s a new generation. [i have a colleague named Bob ~ yes that’s his real name ~ and we discuss many interesting things over the course of any given week. one of the more recent topics broached was of this “new-fangled generation.” there seems to be a contingency of young people that not only feel self entitled with little to no work ethic, but also feel that narcissism is something to be proud of. go figure.]
fnk
4. people are living out the myth. [when i was 17 and about to move to the Big Apple, i met with a few successful friends of my family who had spent time in both New York and LA. all i remember from these brief meetings were statements like “New York will eat you alive” and “people in LA only look out for themselves” and “you should always ask yourself what they want and/or need from me.” now it’s all become clear: these are myths with people reenacting them so whole-heartedly that no one can tell the difference between fiction and reality. but the question is, which came first?]
fnk
5. there’s a LOT of women here.  [LA men quickly realize there are so many women around they don’t actually need to try or focus on any one of them.  women realize there are so many women around they have to focus on themselves more than anything just to keep up or stay ahead. is anyone paying attention to the other?]
fnk
6. Los Angeles is centered around an industry that’s all about being selfish. [i love and respect a lot of things about film & television, but we all have to admit it’s an industry that’s so difficult to crack you literally have to drop all other interests and passions to make it. know yourself, sell yourself and you’re golden.]
fnk
7. appreciation is out. [i cannot remember the last time a stranger said i’m sorry or thank you. god i sound like a bitter old lady. sonny where’s your manners? mercy me. goodness gracious!]
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8. an exorbitant amount of time alone in cars. [i firmly believe that public transportation encourages socialization. even if you refuse eye contact and touching on subways and buses, you are in the faces and armpits of strangers every day and this alone has to bring one out of their own head for at least a few minutes right?]
fnk
9. no one moves here to make friends. [you never hear someone say “oh i moved to Los Angeles because i wanted to meet people and have a great group of friends and buy a house and start a family.” people move here to succeed at something rare and beautiful and almost impossible. it takes courage, faith, drive, insanity and some serious devotion to self.]
fnk
10. it’s spread out enough you won’t run into anybody. [my best friend from high school still lives in New York and bumps into someone she knows almost every week. 8 million people and she still runs into the one person she doesn’t want to see. meanwhile, a decade in LA has allowed me to bump into 2 semi-annoying people. no need to think about anyone else but me cause apparently i am the only one who lives here. and that’s pretty great, cause i love me.]
fnk