here one minute.

April 29, 2012

5 things i pray never become extinct:

1. books & newspapers. [i have a Kindle that my best friend gifted to me and i adore it. especially on trips out of town – very useful, very handy…love. that said, i went to a bookstore the other day and purchased Game of Thrones, which is the size of a small child. there is still nothing like the smell of a page and the sensation of your fingertip brushing the right top corner that’s dying to be turned. same with a newspaper and a cup of coffee in my backyard on a spring morning. i can’t let this go.]

2. stick shifts. [my dad taught me to drive in a manual 1984 silver Honda Prelude. we almost killed each other but that aside, i’ll never forget the feel of being able to stop a car without touching the brakes. the bonding feeling between you and your vehicle as you shift effortlessly up hills and across highways. feeling so in tune with your car that you have to give it a name like Betsy or Josh or Sally. i’ve had 3 automatics since living in LA and i don’t have a clue who they are.]

3. coffee presses. [my parents bought me a Keurig for my birthday. i brag on dating websites about my skill at making the perfect cup of coffee and now i just feel like a big fat liar but i can’t bear to delete it. when my favorite breakfast nook down the street stops offering me my own personalized French press with my honey covered southern biscuits i will most likely shoot myself.]

4. film. [the digital world we now live in amazes me every day. i am astonished at the photos i can create with one tap of a filter on my iPhone and i never want to take that for granted. but there is something so pure and unique about traditional film, including watching the flickers and grains of Back to the Future on the big screen with my iPhone set to silent.]

5. good stationery. [will computers finally eliminate all need for pen and paper? i can hear people screaming no! as they read this but really, anything is possible at this point. the utter shame i will feel when i am 80 and explaining to my grandchildren that wedding invites used to be something you held in your hand.]


5 things i pray become extinct:

1. people. [sort of joking but sometimes…i take a look around me at the douchebags in some dark little LA bar and am sure i could give up my own life and those i love dearest if we could just wipe it all out and start over.]

2. the LA News. [the “news.” hahahaha. anyone who lives in LA knows that’s the punchline. i find myself mesmerized by the low-cut tanks and 3 inch-long eyelashes and by the end of the hour have no idea what current events were actually covered. a confounding facsimile of news anchors, but we could do without.]

3. bathing suits. [no one’s top half of their body is made the same as their lower half and yet, very few swimwear companies seem to give a shit. i actually think it’s time we do away with clothes in general, but we can certainly start with the bikini. i am ready to join a completely nude swimming society…as long as everyone else does. and i mean everyone.]

4. SUVs. [sigh. my parents own a Hummer. you can’t say anything to convince me that you have one of these for a good reason. unless you live in Alaska or the Redwood Forest. and don’t even say it’s because you have 7 kids because then i’ll know you are crazy and killing the planet twofold instead of with one gas guzzling punch.]

5. skinny jeans for men. [who invented these and why are there so many people in Los Angeles clinging to the trend as if their tightly tucked packages depend on it? that looks like it hurts. although it’s possible they are killing sperm better than any tighty-whiteys ever could, so if that’s going to help our overpopulation problem i’ll start selling them myself.]

turning tables.

April 21, 2012

10 stories i’d like to see told through film:

1. a girl dies by social media causing an uprising against Twitter, Facebook, & all Apple products which eventually leads to the downfall of social networking, technology, and civilization as we know it.

2. a combination of a really well-made independent movie blended perfectly with hardcore porn.

3. average looking overweight funny girl meets extremely attractive, romantic, adoring guy and gets knocked up.  it takes her the whole movie to begrudgingly fall in love with him.

4. 2 people switch bodies and absolutely love it. the government eventually forces them to switch back.

5. someone realizes they can see ghosts, falls in love with a ghost, marries a ghost, and then the ghost kills them.

6. a movie where we take a major historical event and make fun of it like Scary Movie or Space Balls.

7. aliens come to Earth, attack us, and win.

8. a group of women actors go galavanting around LA sleeping with guys, drinking, and eating at diners in the middle of the night, making complete asses of themselves before finally going home.

9. little person chases giant fish to the ends of the earth trying to kill him for no reason.

10. vampires have come out of the coffin but are insecure, babbling creatures with very little strength and people are generally annoyed by their presence.

i can explain.

April 13, 2012

10 things we Rationalize:

1. addictions. [inner voice: we all need a vice. no one is perfect. there is a sadness felt for those who strive for the unattainable in life which we all know is a ruse. it’s just a cigarette. it’s just eating chalk. reality: that’s all you got? put the cancer stick down you crazy addict.]

2. things we don’t like about ourselves. [inner voice: this is just my personality. when you look at my parents, i actually turned out pretty great. i could have been real fucked up, but instead i have a few character flaws that drive a couple of people to tears. you can’t please everyone. reality: if i’m talking about it this much, i probably need to fix it.]

3. why they broke up with us. [inner voice: i know that it’s meant to be. i should feel lucky that she let me off the hook so early ~ before we got married and had kids and a mortgage and were really screwed. she never really appreciated me for who i am and it’s time for me to find someone who can and will. reality: you were ridiculously unhappy, had started sounding like a condescending parent while fighting, and it was over a long, long time ago.]

4. little white lies. [inner voice: what difference does it make in the long run? ignorance is bliss after all. will that fib i told about how much pizza i ate last week haunt me when i am on my deathbed? no. reality: why lie about anything? i am just deceiving myself more than anyone and since these are lies about nothing, that’s even weirder.]

5. toxic friends. [inner voice: i swear i can explain this. even the most toxic of friends teach me something every day. patience, that all people have flaws, the general human condition…it all has meaning and it’s important to see the bigger picture. don’t you dare think that i am lazy or avoiding confrontation or taking the easy way out. reality: you are lazy and avoiding confrontation and taking the easiest way out ever.]

6. buying things we don’t need. [inner voice: i work hard for my money. i am an adult and can make my own decisions about my priorities, material and non-material. who’s to say that an expensive emulsifier doesn’t make a person’s life more fulfilled? you? i need it. reality: if i want it, i should buy it. however, i am not allowed to complain to my friends about being broke next week.]

7. lack of will power. [inner voice: i would never want to blame everything on my parents so i’ll take responsibility for this one. but i do think it has to be a genetic thing. some people just have this natural willpower that i don’t. those people who can make it through the Master Cleanse for more than 5 days. perfect example. reality: your best friend can do the Master Cleanse for more than 10 days but she has been known to eat a pint of ice cream before bed. often. we choose what we care to complete.]

8. fear. [inner voice: when i was 7 i almost drowned in the lake by my house… my aunt died in a plane crash… i can’t think of a direct reason why i’d be afraid of choking but i read this awesome book on past lives… reality: the human brain needs fear to know when something is wrong. it’s not a weakness but a survival skill.]

9. non-personal communication. [inner voice: it seems like i don’t have time for anything anymore. i don’t have time to shower or cook or pet my animals. you see, life has become a sea of crap to do. don’t bother me with talking on the phone. send me a text, shoot me a FB comment, and we’re good. reality: i am now relying on the rapid progression of technology to avoid all human contact because i’ve always wanted to do that.]

10. love for a “bad” movie or book. [inner voice: i refuse to be pseudo-intellectual about everything and everyone. sometimes a little fluff can be a good thing. detune, turn your brain off, and just enjoy. it’s supposed to be “entertainment” after all ~ not studying for your LSATs. reality: if you love Twilight and The Jersey Shore it doesn’t make you a bad person or stupid. just admit it already and let people judge how they may.]