a singular sensation

August 22, 2016

alone5

Preface: I have had a very hard time writing blogs posts lately and I couldn’t really figure out why. I have hundreds of drafts; hundreds. Yet, none of them give me that rush of “yes – I need to post this NOW. this is exactly how i feel in this moment.”

I’ve realized tonight that part of this is not spending time being vulnerable anymore. I’ve been strong and confident and independent and present and self-evaluating for months now… and it’s time to just allow myself to be vulnerable again. Whether that comes across as negative or needy or weak… i don’t care. so here it is – what i really want to write – in all its lonely glory. an homage to being single for 6 years, 2 months and a handful of days.

10 thoughts when you are lonely and have been for a very long time:

  1. am I picky or just weird? [so my friends say i’m picky – of course. but i always try to be honest. could it really be that i’m giving off a vibe of… well i don’t know… weird? or too nice or too independent or too comfortable or too happy or too slutty or too prudish or too easy going? i know this is an incredibly pointless exercise. but it’s honest.]
  2. why do the most popular cliche sayings seem so right but are proving to be so wrong? [as soon as you become single people begin to advise. love yourself first… when you aren’t looking for it… keep yourself open… write out everything you want in a partner… let go and focus on other things… be grateful for everything else in your life. yes. i agree. 1000% agree. i’m just mentioning here, that 6 years later i am still quite lonely.]
  3. people just seem so fucked up. [the human race is sucking it up. did something change or do past decades look so much better than they actually were because we don’t ever remember the bad? all i know is, people are shitty. i’m smacking into more narcissists, men with no manners, and fucked up, closed off people than i can count on 3 hands.]
  4. is there a beautiful fun vacation spot for single people? [Hawaii is out. nope, not Palm Springs. Cabo, no sir. has anyone been to Iceland lately? how’s that looking?]
  5. dating apps don’t work for everyone. [my best friend met the love of her life on OK Cupid. i know for a fact these things can work, but i want to make a clear statement that they don’t always work for everyone. that’s all.]
  6. do people feel sorry for me? [Jesus i really hope not. i hope all of my friends and family and exes and co-workers know that i love a lot about being single. i also love who i’ve become as i creep closer and closer to 40. i love how i look and how i behave and who i surround myself with. sometimes, secretly, but not-so-secretly after this post… i think i might just want a relationship so everyone else can relax.]
  7. standard shifting. [as i get older i notice my standards get higher but fewer at the same time. how is this possible? i no longer need anyone to spend a ton of time with me and i feel set in my ways and crave more alone time than ever… but i want someone so right and so good for me that they are nearing damn perfect which is… well ridiculous.]
  8. if i move will that make a difference? [a lot of women who live in LA blame being single on being in LA. all the singles talk about here is the horrible cesspool of dating that we refer to as Los Angeles. i don’t know. will Austin be the answer? will the guys in Boulder want a real woman with real boobs and real sanity? at some point the moving experiment may be inevitable.]
  9. when it gets real obvious. [there are moments where loneliness is more palpable. like when you’re sitting on your couch watching Stranger Things and you realize with elation that this is the best thing you’ve seen on tv in years. and you look around with a huge grin on your face so excited to share this moment… only to quickly remember that you are still quite alone on your couch. the beauty of Hawaii, accomplishing a life goal, getting excited about a show because you are passionate about good film…these are moments to be shared and no one will ever convince me otherwise.]
  10. love is the most important thing ever. [i desperately want to believe this is a myth. i want to feel in my heart and my belly that work and friends and giving back and living a grateful full life is all enough, because that makes sense in my head. but my heart and my belly want to love and nurture and connect and i just can’t seem to shake it.]
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iKill u 4 it.

February 25, 2012

10 impressive Apps that make me Want an iPhone:

1. crash a wedding. [channel your dormant Owen Wilson by crashing the nuptials of a couple you’ve never met and probably wouldn’t even like. this app not only gives you wedding times and locations near you, but details about the bride and groom including how they met and where they’re from. you’ll have everything to be a professional crasher right at your fingertips! just remember rule #24 – If you get outed, leave calmly. Do not run. Crash Corsage]

2. food delivery to your gate. [a poll for Los Angelinos: how many times have you been sitting in LAX waiting to board your plane around 9:30pm and had the thought “why the fuck is everything in this airport closed already?!” well, app inventors must have experienced that moment a few times too because this little guy directs you to food places that deliver right to your gate. a pretty brilliant idea. now we just need to get National Security and a ton more airports on board. the world will be a better place. B4 You Board]

3. flirt in any language. [yes, i know there is something weirdly romantic about flirting with someone who you can’t communicate with, but if you do feel like actually getting to know them ~ or at the very least whispering sweet nothings in their beautiful Italian ear ~ this is the app for you. TripLingo]

4. no more hold time. [need to call Best Buy and talk to a customer representative about that warranty they’ll never honor? want to get through to customer service at AT&T but don’t have 9.8 hours to kill? open this app, select the company you want to speak with, and go do your hair or something. the customer service department will call you. ha. so there. Fast Customer]

5. music for any mood. [sometimes i like things that make me feel extremely lazy. this app categorizes all of your music by mood profile so whatever you “feel” like listening to should theoretically be on that playlist. select the mood you feel you are in at the moment and press play. bam. done. MoodAgent]

6. the evolution of breaking up. [curious as to why that lovely lady went out with you, acted like she had a fantastic time on your date, and has strategically ignored all text messages since? well now you might be able to find out why with an app that actually helps people learn from their breakups. Wot Went Wrong contacts the person who stopped seeing you and asks them for feedback about…well…”what went wrong.” personally, i can’t decide if this seems stalkerish or genius, but it’s definitely one or the other and both are fascinating. Wot Went Wrong]

7. animate your own photos. [you know those fun little animated .gif photos of a baby dancing or a tv character like Urkel making a funny face that your mom sends you in an email? well now it’s time to make your own. if anyone actually does this and thinks theirs is hilarious i want to see it. never be afraid to share. Cinemagram]

8. avoidance of The Hangover part XVI. [i am certainly not condoning behavior that warrants questioning what the hell happened last night…but hey, i think it’s happened to the best of us at one point or another. and wouldn’t it have been awesome if we could have had a map showing us every place we went so we didn’t feel shamefully in the dark the next day? now if they add a few literal “snapshots” of the evening then i could honestly say this will be my favorite one. Last Night]

9. location based dating. [forget the internet ~ be a truly spontaneous dater ~ or more accurately, instantaneous. you walk past a bookstore and see an interesting reading going on inside. want to pop in and take part? now you can use your phone to see if anyone in your neighborhood wants to join you. i am sure this kind of app lends itself to hookups a lot more than meaningful relationships, but you never know. your soulmate might be standing right behind you in line for that bagel. Blendr]

10. the app to make sure you don’t lose any of the apps. [it’s a case for your iPhone but it’s more like a hound dog wearing a Superman cape. this go-go-gadget item tracks where your phone is at all times, even when the phone itself is dead. it also comes with little tags that you can put on anything you tend to lose. now open the app and take a look at a nifty digital map showing you how many feet away and in what direction the tagged items are. oh and if the phone itself gets lost, the tags will beep at you until you find it. yeah this is some crazy-ass Minority Report shit. check it: Bikn]

Vanishing Act.

September 22, 2011

10 Things that Mysteriously Disappear:

1. socks. [so cliche but so true. i don’t attribute this to the washing machine. i literally will wash a pair of socks, take both of them out of the dryer, and place them in my top drawer. but i swear to God every time i get dressed for a workout and reopen that drawer, suddenly there are NONE. what gnome has a pot belly full of my god damn Nike ankle socks?]

2. pens. [i tested this theory. two weeks ago i purchased a pack of 20 pens and stuck the whole package into my glove compartment. two weeks later, tonight, i walked out to my car, opened said glovey and the package is still there but nows contains exactly 14. thank goodness they’re a tax write-off cause this is ludicrous.]

3. hair ties. [okay yes, these tend to show up at a later date when i move and all the dust and spare change and pens and hair ties are uncovered where my bed once was. this does not in any way explain how they got under the bed in the first place.]

4. cash. [i’ll admit, i’m not too great about counting singles and knowing exactly what was in my purse at the start of a day, but i am pretty positive there’s a petty thief living with me or near me or working with me or something. either that or the more obvious answer which is my cats are eating dollar bills when i don’t come home to feed them until 1am.]

5. Post-its. [identical to the pen problem, but i haven’t put it to the test yet. i feel like i am always buying these in fun neons and pastels when i do a Target run and then somehow, as soon as i get a phone call where i need to jot something down, i am forced to resort to a napkin on my desk leftover from breakfast.]

6. headphones. [my expensive audio headphones are from 1988 so there are exceptions to this rule, but those earbuds that come with my Mac or an airline or my cellphone…where are they? i know there is a massive gang of headphones hanging out in a closet just waiting to creep into my bedroom one night and wrap their little cords around me like the giant at the top of the beanstalk.]

7. dates. [lately i have discovered that dating is hard. actually, it kind of sucks. so i am on an official hiatus currently. why you ask? well, it seems a lot of people in Los Angeles are well-schooled in a “disappearing” act that would challenge Houdini. that’s all i have to say about that. let’s move on.]

8. FB friends. [doesn’t happen too often but now and again i’ll be on Facebook and see i have something like 241 friends. in that moment i notice the number and make some strange mental note of it. next day, 240. uh ~ what’d i do?]

9. anger over the small stuff. [the little things that infuriate me the most always leave so suddenly, without any warning at all. this of course is a wonderful thing to be grateful for, but i can’t help but wonder why every negative feeling i’ve ever had in my life can’t work exactly the same way. here one minute, completely wiped from my memory the next. it’s quite lovely.]

10. kitties. [this is the best disappearing act of all time. if you are male, new to my home, and happen to be very tall or have large feet you will never meet my cats. well, Gus loves everyone so i suppose for accuracy’s sake we’re talking about one giant, matted, frightened Mainecoon in La Crescenta.]

Sleep on it.

September 19, 2011

10 People You Should Never Sleep With:

1. the boss. [late nights with dim lighting, a serious lack of sleep, and a deadline may lend itself to a personal feel but none of it’s reality. the next day, you still get paid by this person so even if it was just for a night, you basically took on a second profession.]

2. the coworker. [the morning walk of shame can only get more shameful when the two of you are walking to the same building. bet you at least one person in the office notices yesterday’s clothing and now the can of worms is officially wide open.]

3. the best friend. [thank god my current best friends are all female and i am not a lesbian. there is a lot to be said for marrying your best friend, but i think that means you form that bond after or during the romance; not before.]

4. the family. [even though i was raised in the South, i don’t mean this in the “toothless siblings” way. yet, i have a gut feeling sex with your second-cousin-through-marriage still stirs up some trouble when Thanksgiving rolls around.]

5. the bartender. [i don’t actually think there’s anything wrong with the bartenders themselves, but those of us on the receiving end of the drinks may not always be in our best decision-making state by the time we’re stumbling our way to their apartment.]

6. the celebrity. [yes, they are human just like the rest of us…but not really. they travel 335 days out of the year, spend most of their time with other famous people, and are more than likely to be the most narcissistic people you’ll ever meet. i love the exceptions to this rule though. you go Mrs. Damon.]

7. the musician. [let’s face it; they meet about 300 hot people every day who want to have sex with them and eventually they are bound to start seeing a blurred array of faces more than individuals. better to dream about the musician while sleeping with the graphic designer.]

8. the model. [this is simple: they’ve been beautiful their whole lives and therefore have never had to work hard at something as artful as intimacy. if you want a night not to remember okie dokie.]

9. the bad ex. [it didn’t work the first time and i don’t know anyone who just “forgets” all of the emotions that come with a breakup. they’re still bad for you, they still have all the annoying habits they had 2 years ago, it still won’t go anywhere, so let’s move on already.]

10. the teacher. [i am a sucker for authority figures and would definitely have trouble keeping my pants on in a hostage situation. but at the end of the day, bartering for a grade or freedom is no way to start a relationship.]

First Impressions.

September 10, 2011

10 Terrible First Date Ideas:

1. sporty activities. [i think the best way to immediately get to know a person is to aggressively try and beat them at something and make them feel like an idiot. you can show each other how petty and terribly uncoordinated you are, and have your first big fight all within 3 hours of your initial meeting. might as well make it boxing. do it.]

2. a movie. [movies are a huge part of my life and a passionate conversation starter but sitting in a dark theater, stuffing your face with greasy popcorn, and never actually speaking to the stranger next to you sounds like you both should have just stayed home and read a good book.]

3. a party with all of your friends. [whether or not it’s the intention, this date smacks of desperation. i really want a boyfriend and a better apartment and a ring and a baby and grandchildren like sometime in the next 3 months. wanna meet all my friends at the same time as meeting me? cool.]

4. a really good expensive restaurant. [my only problem with this is the possibility of the two of you completely hating each other. or having nothing to talk about. or getting sat next to a celebrity who winds up being a constant reminder of just how normal your date is. now you are stuck in an amazing restaurant ~ which usually means it’s going to last more than an hour and a half ~ and neither one of you can enjoy the beauty of it. don’t waste a great meal. send me cash and i’ll go for you. by myself.]

5. a bar near your house. [bars are good meeting spots because there’s no time commitment and a little drinking helps everyone feel a lot less nervous. it’s the “near your house” part that gets a bit tricky. 4 Maker’s and Cokes later where do you think the two of you are going to haplessly end up?]

6. New Year’s Eve. [i actually had a guy ask me out for a blind date on this enormous pressure-cooker of an event. i gently declined but am still astonished to this day that he didn’t think maybe that was a bit much. NYE can be a let down for couples in their 9th year of marriage so i am pretty positive a first date is never going to dodge that bullet.]

7. a comedy club. [ooooh the discomfort of comedians who aren’t funny at all. and the crowd trying hard to laugh because half of them are his/her friends. and the watered down 2 drink minimum and the possibility of some joke offending someone and then that awkward remainder of the date where you don’t know what kind of jokes you’ll ever be able to make with this person. it’s official: the two of you are now the comedy show.]

8. anything water related. [wedgies in wet bathing suits, snotty noses, no possibility for grooming retaining its wow factor, and that whole competitive let’s-get-our-first-fight-out-of-the-way thing add up to a recipe for disaster. unless both of you are avid surfers, there should be a lifeguard who blows his whistle and yells “first date? on no, no, no. out of the water!”]

9. a loud club. [kind of like a movie. standing next to one another trying not to make a fool of yourself by dancing or singing along, not really talking because it’s way too loud, and then going home wondering if you were on a date or just standing next to some guy while listening to a band. might as well be the latter.]

10. your birthday. [this is just silly. so silly, they wrote a Seinfeld episode about it. if you think you should be spending your birthday with a first date, i don’t think you should be reading this blog. seriously. close the window.]

Just Breathe.

September 6, 2011

10 Things that Make me Extremely Anxious:

1. fighting with loved ones. [i have anxiety about confrontation. when i find myself in a fight with someone i care about it feels like this may be our last day on Earth and i just want to wrap my arms around them and tell them i love them. instead i spout a bunch of expletives and have regret for days afterward. oops.]

2. fighting with strangers. [i have anxiety about confrontation. at least with strangers i don’t simmer over the feeling for days…but in that moment, the Earth is indeed standing still and i secretly pray for a meteor to smash into us and get it over with.]

3. embarrassing moments on television. [makes my damn skin crawl just thinking about it. you know that moment when some guy leans in for a kiss and the girl turns her cheek at the last second? or when Larry David is digging himself into a hole so deep you want to dive in there with him? yep those. they make me bite my nails and that isn’t a habit of mine.]

4. callbacks. [one might think this is when you feel most confident. they have already expressed how much they like you. you have been chosen out of many to come back and read for producers. for me this is the ultimate moment of anxiety; a ridiculous attempt to replicate exactly what i did earlier mixed with a myriad of notes the casting director gave me after that first read. it becomes a muddled anxious puddle of bad acting; and my grandparents wonder why i don’t book anything.]

5. blind dates. [i doubt i have to go into detail about this. you. reader. if you were on a blind date would you be breezy and light and carefree and engrossing and confident and calm? prove it.]

6. hosting a party. [alright i’ll admit it; this one baffles me. everyone coming to said party is quite close to me and god knows i am not a self professed Martha Stewart so no matter how it turns out it’s bound to be better than everyone expected. the heart racing has got to stop.]

7. lying. [i don’t lie a lot. in fact, i am that girl who is too blunt that says everything she’s thinking when she probably shouldn’t. i swear that’s me. but every once in a while, out of the blue, some circumstance pops up where we all need to lie a little. maybe i’m protecting you, maybe i know something i shouldn’t and it’s none of my business. well when this random occurrence becomes a reality i usually want to throw up. serious fear of “getting caught in a lie” sweeps me away for hours until i’m in bed with a migraine.]

8. throwing up. [i don’t do this. i’ve thrown up 3 times since the age of 19 and they were all dire emergencies where i couldn’t help it. typically, if i feel sick, you’ll find me rocking white knuckled in a chair with my teeth clenched together so hard they might break. you could say throwing up makes me a little anxious.]

9. dentists. [they just hate me. don’t know why, don’t know what kind of memo is circulating, but there is a definite conspiracy here. all i require is a dentist who understands my phobia of throwing up which coincides directly with my phobia of x-rays which should make it profoundly clear to them that all i want is a cleaning. please.]

10. reconnection. [seeing a loved one after several years have gone by gives me sweaty palms like they are going out of style. maybe it’s the fear they’ll think i’m not as cute or interesting as i used to be. maybe it’s the concern that we’ll have nothing to talk about or that our original connection will have vanished. maybe it’s the fact that i have to feel anxious about at least 10 things because i am just that neurotic.]