CK One.

August 22, 2014

mic1_CK

10 insightful & laughable Louis C.K. quotes:

1. People say, “My phone sucks.” No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone. [of course i’ve had moments where frustration with my cell phone got the best of me. but hearing this CK quote makes me laugh out loud. i’m so dumb. we’re all so dumb. i mean really – let’s all spend a minute (if you’re over 28 years old) doing a sense memory recall of our lives before these wondrous devices. and go.]

2. As humans, we waste the shit out of our words. It’s sad. We use words like “awesome” and “wonderful” like they’re candy. It was awesome? Really? It inspired awe? It was wonderful? Are you serious? It was full of wonder? You use the word “amazing” to describe a goddamn sandwich at Wendy’s. What’s going to happen on your wedding day, or when your first child is born? How will you describe it? You already wasted “amazing” on a fucking sandwich. [that’s a fucking epic statement Louis. epic.]

3. It’s like when you’re talking to a girl at a bar because you’re attracted to her, the first thing you say is always gonna be dog shit. The most honest thing you could say to her is ‘I wanna fuck your face.’ That’s the most honest thing you could say. [am i the only girl on the face of this planet that wants to hear the truth? just for a second. then definitely shut it down. but one second into the mind of what a male is really thinking when he’s hitting on me would be kind of amazing. see how i did that?]

4. A man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he’ll leave you as a human being intact. He won’t fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent, but they will shit inside of your heart. [my guy friends sometimes talk about that “crazy ex who ripped out their heart and then hammered nails into it and then tied it to the back of a pickup truck and dragged it 10 miles. who ARE these crazy bitches and why are they ruining it for the rest of us?]

5. When you first get married, you have a relationship that’s so important to you, and you’re working on it together. But then you have a kid. And you look at your kid and you go, “Holy shit, this is my child. She has my DNA. She has my name. I would die for her.” And you look at your spouse and go, “Who the fuck are you? You’re a stranger.” [ha. we feel so connected to someone that we decide to create a whole new human being with them and then it leads to…this. can’t wait.]

6. When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don’t let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else. [that’s it.]

7. Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce … That would be sad. If two people were married and they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times. [unbelievable as it may seem, 4 years after my separation i am still waiting for my divorce papers. there’s a bottle of Dom and some foi gras in the fridge just sitting there being saved for this momentous opening of the mail. does this mean i didn’t love my ex-husband? no. it means divorce is good news and we are going to celebrate. don’t DM me to discuss.]

8. Everything that’s difficult you should be able to laugh about. [you just stepped in dog shit – ok that’s clearly laughable. you just lost your job – ok maybe more difficult to laugh right away. but you and i both know that as soon as that better dream job rolls in you’ll be cracking up over drinks with your friends and talking about how it all worked out in the end. i’m going to embrace the laughter right now.]

9. Life’s too short to be an asshole, as an employer or as an employee. [what is with the assholes? can’t they grasp the notion that kindness can not only result in getting exactly what you want, but can also change someone’s day or life or heart forever? stupid, stupid assholes.]

10. I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish – that’s what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff. [i have a disease. it’s a disease of needing to know. it makes me extremely happy that i now know that Louis CK has the same disease. we should be pen pals. then i’d know all is right with the world and i’d be content in my knowing that he knows exactly what i mean.]

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and tell.

August 13, 2014

Couple-Kissing-HD-Wallpaper

10 things about kissing:

1. squeeze. [the tightest hug possible as your arms wrap around me and the air rushes out of me and my ribs expand grasping for room but are hesitant with the fear of cracking. the tightest fullest hug.]

2. skin. [fingers crawling up my back, gentle and soft and tentative, my skin feeling your mouth, my palms full of hair and soft ears and the skin is so hard to distinguish, boy from girl, man from woman, skin from skin.]

3. moments in between. [when you realize there’s nowhere to be no one to be sounds outside that remind you of your bubble while you catch your breath for just one second and your heart races for the break to end.]

4. Q&A. [the secret silent questioning, searching, seeking for what it is you like and i like and what we could discover we like together. ah! you like biting the lower lip. i’ll do that. ah! you like a push and pull. i’ll do that.]

5. breath. [the moments when your lips are just far enough apart that they can still feel each other’s shadow, but the breath remains intertwined and you inhale and he exhales and you find a beautiful pattern here before diving back into contact.]

6. body parts. [how every part of our face is involved in the whole process – not just lips and hair and hands – but noses and eyelashes and freckles. fingers touching faces, breath touching breath, ears being whispered. and eskimo kisses.]

7. improv. [the ease of listening. the best kind of improv. completely present, listening, feeling energy, willing to wait and ready to go and always, always saying yes.]

8. roller-coaster. [your brain on a train, speeding over hills of connection and intensity, barreling down deep into valleys of quiet and peace, up down up down, joy, thinking, silence, laugh.]

9. scents. [is that him or me or soap or rain or sweet sweat or a faint touch of something like wine or a flower or a cigarette? the intoxicating scents of skin and energy and the day past.]

10. the dance. [the way it flows like a perfect rhythmic heartbeat, from one moment into another. now we are kissing, now we are complimenting, now we are hugging, now we are giggling, now we are kissing, now we just are.]

character exercise.

August 2, 2014

workout shoes

10 characters you might see at the gym:

1. the creeper. he stands directly behind you in every class.

favorite quote: “Nice yoga pants. Have I seen you here before?” / favorite workout song: Jason Derulo – Talk Dirty. 

2. the really old lady. she’s better at spin than you are.

favorite quote: “I’m going to die sitting on this bike right in the middle of class. hope you’re sick that day.” / favorite workout song: Florence + The Machine – Dog Days are Over.

3. the stuck up buff gay guy. he doesn’t speak to you, probably because of your choice of workout attire.

favorite quote: “I really love the locker rooms here.” / favorite workout song: Iggy Azalea – I’m So Fancy. 

4. the guy who won’t shut up. he just keeps yapping.

favorite quote: “I’m Fred and I’ve worked out here for 11 years and I love this instructor, do you love this instructor? and I have to work out hard today because I ate a huge steak last night with my son, did you know I have a single son?” / favorite workout song: R.E.M. – It’s the End of the World.

5. the amazing, very pregnant one. she’s 8 months in, kicking ass, and takin’ names.

favorite quote: “Do you think I can still do TRX classes or is that too much for my 3rd trimester?” / favorite workout song: Apparat – Hailin From the Edge. 

6. the silent yogi. little bit of a hipster with a tiny ponytail on top of his head. mean handstand.

favorite quote: “______” / favorite workout song: Joshua Radin – Brand New Day.

7. the motivator. the incredibly hot, hot, hot teacher.

favorite quote: “Let’s go people. 4 more sets. NO I’m NOT KIDDING. Go.” / favorite workout song: DJ Snake & Lil Jon – Turn Down for What. 

8. the faker. you never see them doing anything except standing around talking.

favorite quote: “You want to head to the juice bar to chat and take a break?” / favorite workout song: Icone Pop – I Don’t Care, I Love It.

9. me. see archived posts for more info.

favorite quote: “yes my gym is exorbitantly overpriced but money motivates me.” / favorite workout song: Timbaland & JT – Carry Out. 

10. the Biggest Winner. they need to lose over 100 pounds and are an inspiration to us all.

favorite quote: “I just wanted you to know that you are really strong and good at this class and I like standing by you. So thanks.” / favorite workout song: American Authors – Best Day of My Life.