a singular sensation

August 22, 2016

alone5

Preface: I have had a very hard time writing blogs posts lately and I couldn’t really figure out why. I have hundreds of drafts; hundreds. Yet, none of them give me that rush of “yes – I need to post this NOW. this is exactly how i feel in this moment.”

I’ve realized tonight that part of this is not spending time being vulnerable anymore. I’ve been strong and confident and independent and present and self-evaluating for months now… and it’s time to just allow myself to be vulnerable again. Whether that comes across as negative or needy or weak… i don’t care. so here it is – what i really want to write – in all its lonely glory. an homage to being single for 6 years, 2 months and a handful of days.

10 thoughts when you are lonely and have been for a very long time:

  1. am I picky or just weird? [so my friends say i’m picky – of course. but i always try to be honest. could it really be that i’m giving off a vibe of… well i don’t know… weird? or too nice or too independent or too comfortable or too happy or too slutty or too prudish or too easy going? i know this is an incredibly pointless exercise. but it’s honest.]
  2. why do the most popular cliche sayings seem so right but are proving to be so wrong? [as soon as you become single people begin to advise. love yourself first… when you aren’t looking for it… keep yourself open… write out everything you want in a partner… let go and focus on other things… be grateful for everything else in your life. yes. i agree. 1000% agree. i’m just mentioning here, that 6 years later i am still quite lonely.]
  3. people just seem so fucked up. [the human race is sucking it up. did something change or do past decades look so much better than they actually were because we don’t ever remember the bad? all i know is, people are shitty. i’m smacking into more narcissists, men with no manners, and fucked up, closed off people than i can count on 3 hands.]
  4. is there a beautiful fun vacation spot for single people? [Hawaii is out. nope, not Palm Springs. Cabo, no sir. has anyone been to Iceland lately? how’s that looking?]
  5. dating apps don’t work for everyone. [my best friend met the love of her life on OK Cupid. i know for a fact these things can work, but i want to make a clear statement that they don’t always work for everyone. that’s all.]
  6. do people feel sorry for me? [Jesus i really hope not. i hope all of my friends and family and exes and co-workers know that i love a lot about being single. i also love who i’ve become as i creep closer and closer to 40. i love how i look and how i behave and who i surround myself with. sometimes, secretly, but not-so-secretly after this post… i think i might just want a relationship so everyone else can relax.]
  7. standard shifting. [as i get older i notice my standards get higher but fewer at the same time. how is this possible? i no longer need anyone to spend a ton of time with me and i feel set in my ways and crave more alone time than ever… but i want someone so right and so good for me that they are nearing damn perfect which is… well ridiculous.]
  8. if i move will that make a difference? [a lot of women who live in LA blame being single on being in LA. all the singles talk about here is the horrible cesspool of dating that we refer to as Los Angeles. i don’t know. will Austin be the answer? will the guys in Boulder want a real woman with real boobs and real sanity? at some point the moving experiment may be inevitable.]
  9. when it gets real obvious. [there are moments where loneliness is more palpable. like when you’re sitting on your couch watching Stranger Things and you realize with elation that this is the best thing you’ve seen on tv in years. and you look around with a huge grin on your face so excited to share this moment… only to quickly remember that you are still quite alone on your couch. the beauty of Hawaii, accomplishing a life goal, getting excited about a show because you are passionate about good film…these are moments to be shared and no one will ever convince me otherwise.]
  10. love is the most important thing ever. [i desperately want to believe this is a myth. i want to feel in my heart and my belly that work and friends and giving back and living a grateful full life is all enough, because that makes sense in my head. but my heart and my belly want to love and nurture and connect and i just can’t seem to shake it.]
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OKno gracias

July 9, 2014

kissing frog2

[Note: a few people have recently asked me why i stopped online dating about a year ago. there are several reasons – and many amazing blogs about how horrific online dating can be – so i doubt i need to go into detail. let’s just make a list, shall we?]

10 terrible dates over 4 years:

1. “the one who was cheap.” [this actually seemed a normal enough date for a while – very boring but normal – until i finally gave up, quickly paid our tab and said i needed to get home. 5 minutes later, after the most consistent persuading i’ve ever been privy to, he convinces me to please please please please please please stay and have one more drink with him. 25 minutes, 3 more boring topics of conversation and 2 empty glasses later he stared at that check like it was Satan himself. i paid again. thanks guy – so glad i didn’t go home and watch Girls.]

2. “the one who liked to bargain.” [a round of mini golf and the following scenario: he stops, mini golf club in hand, hanging in mid air as if he has some wondrous thought. i say, “what?” he says, “i just don’t think i can continue playing. i can’t play any longer until…well if you gave me a kiss, i could muster the courage.” this was the beginning of a late night of me trying desperately to get him to finish the god damn mini golf and stop bargaining for kisses. because, i suppose i should add, these were the WORST kisses i’ve ever experienced in my life. they weren’t even kisses. it’s a total injustice to use the word kiss. triple bleh.]

3. “the one who thought he was smart.” [i actually introduced this one to my friends. this guy was always wanting to prove his intelligence but weirdly had no sense of humor. zero. he literally could not understand a knock knock joke. my friends constantly looked at him – and me – with the oddest of expressions.]

4. “the one who was gay.” [we only had one quiet lovely dinner, but sometimes you just know right away. i didn’t like him because he reminded me of my best friend in NY who’s a girl. he didn’t like me because of some missing equipment. we parted gracefully.]

5. “the one who was silent.” [this extremely attractive fellow didn’t say anything all night. we ate a meal, we went to a concert, we met up with some of his friends. honestly, not a word. well maybe 25 words but that was only after i asked questions that had to be answered. sometimes i’d ask a question and he would just ignore it. best exercise in patience ever.]

6. “the one who was an acting coach.” [he’s an acting coach who travels the world and does seminars and such. but this guy with a comb-over at 31 really wanted to make it CLEAR that he didn’t like to mix business with pleasure or talk about his career. we talked about him being an acting coach for 3 hours. by the end of the night i lied and told him my profile was old and hadn’t been updated and i had quit acting years ago. and scene.]

7. “the one that was sad.” [after a brief hello and some drink ordering this pour soul explains to me that his mom just died, and he’s desperately trying to figure out how to get out of his horrible job. a night at Laurel Hardware spent talking about his work and how stressful it is while he’s continually checking his phone and talking more and more about his dead mom. i gave him an extra big hug goodnight.]

8. “the one who was sweaty.” [it’s 50 something degrees in Silverlake and this one is sweating through his shirt at the bar. i’m pretty sure the shirt was supposed to be a light blue button-up but it was really….wet. so it’s hard to know for sure. he went to the bathroom for 10 minutes to “fix it” after admitting “he was a little hot.” he then proceeded to sweat until there was really nothing else left to talk about, so we talked about him sweating while i drank a beer like it was one enormous shot, threw my sweater back on, and called it a night.]

9. “the one who hated women.” [yes, i’d like to spend an entire dinner talking about your ex-wife and how she’s nuts and wants to rob you of all of your money that you inherited when your dad died when you were 7 and how all women are crazy and horrible and monsters and how it’s better just to be alone and how stupid marriage is and how all women are really just after a guy’s money. YES PLEASE.]

10. “the one who hated to lose.” [not sure if i missed the memo about some competition taking place, but i spent this evening very confused about my date’s responses and conversational tactics in general. i could say anything. anything at all, like “yes, i think that movie is really awesome and i especially loved the part when that kid died.” his response would be ” you win!” over and over. i am not sure what i won that night but clearly i came out ahead.]

**if you want to read about more terrible online dating stories, click on this link. you’ll fall in love with her. What’s In The Box?

l-o-v-e your Tuesday.

February 14, 2012

5 special things to do on Valentine’s Day if you are Single:

1. a concert. [this very special thing happens to be what i’m doing. Lauryn Hill with 2 other beautiful single ladies seems like Tuesday night heaven ~ Valentine’s Day or not.]

2. a cheesy movie with friends. [the Vow is currently in theaters. Rachel McAdams seems pretty cool and Gosling says she was an awesome girlfriend so, yeah. lots of crying and bad acting but sooooo fun.]

3. roller skating. [about a week ago i partook in this activity for the first time in at least 15 years so i suppose it’s on my mind. i went in with zero expectations and came out with a sore face from freaking smiling so much. yeah that’s right. i let my expert roller skating girlfriend hold my hand and drag me around that old school rink with a grin the size of Texas plastered to my face. you should definitely be bummed you missed it.]

4. the Underground Rebel Bingo Club. [it’s like Fight Club. but with bingo. no, i am not kidding. the first rule of the Rebel Bingo Club is you do not talk about the Rebel Bingo Club. i can’t tell you where it is. i can’t tell you what it is. i’m already in trouble for giving you this link:  www.rebelbingo.com]

5. a casino night. [grab some single friends and head to Vegas or Palm Springs people. even if you don’t love gambling, casinos are crazy and what better day of the year for some debauchery? cigars, entertainment, pretty people, fancy restaurants, a reason to dress up, clubs that make you feel 19 again…an adult amusement park in one enormous building.]

4 special things to do on Valentine’s Day if you are in a Relationship:

1. create your own drive-in @ home. [i have a backyard and if you do too, consider this: blankets and wine and food and candles laid out in the grass with a big ass projector hanging from a tree playing your favorite movie or an old classic you’ve never seen and pretending the two of you are in the backseat of something like a Ford Thunderbird. oops ~ watch the gear shift.]

2. favorite food night. [why not call the moms and get the recipes for those favorite dishes that made you run home right after school? cook these for one another and then hire a maid to do the dishes while you head out back to the drive-in.]

3. rent an RV for the night. [i know there are luxurious hotels everywhere you look, but jumping into an RV and camping out for the night sounds way more interesting. a beautiful night with stars and campfires but no collapsing tents or rock-hard sleeping surfaces. find a spot near the ocean {Malibu Creek} or the mountains {Lake Arrowhead}, throw some steaks on the grill, and dive right into the champagne.]

4. sappy serenading karaoke. [these karaoke places have to be slower on February 14th right? i would hope so because then you can sing crappy love songs to one another without having to wait. plus there won’t be hundreds of onlookers pissed you aren’t singing something upbeat because it’s Heart Day after all. take advantage of the one day of the year they’ll actually understand.]

1 special thing to do on Valentine’s Day no matter what your Relationship status:

1. balls to the wall. [no matter what, go full force. fuck it. if you are on roller skates with a girlfriend, laugh so hard you fall ’til you’re bruised. if you are laying in the backyard watching a movie, make sure the person lying next to you knows that this is the only place you’d ever want to be. if you are alone at home sipping scotch, eating pizza, and watching reality television don’t waste a second feeling guilty. ’cause sure enough ~ at any moment ~ someone could waltz right into your life and change all that me time forever. whatever you’re doing, make it count and love your Tuesday.]

First Impressions.

September 10, 2011

10 Terrible First Date Ideas:

1. sporty activities. [i think the best way to immediately get to know a person is to aggressively try and beat them at something and make them feel like an idiot. you can show each other how petty and terribly uncoordinated you are, and have your first big fight all within 3 hours of your initial meeting. might as well make it boxing. do it.]

2. a movie. [movies are a huge part of my life and a passionate conversation starter but sitting in a dark theater, stuffing your face with greasy popcorn, and never actually speaking to the stranger next to you sounds like you both should have just stayed home and read a good book.]

3. a party with all of your friends. [whether or not it’s the intention, this date smacks of desperation. i really want a boyfriend and a better apartment and a ring and a baby and grandchildren like sometime in the next 3 months. wanna meet all my friends at the same time as meeting me? cool.]

4. a really good expensive restaurant. [my only problem with this is the possibility of the two of you completely hating each other. or having nothing to talk about. or getting sat next to a celebrity who winds up being a constant reminder of just how normal your date is. now you are stuck in an amazing restaurant ~ which usually means it’s going to last more than an hour and a half ~ and neither one of you can enjoy the beauty of it. don’t waste a great meal. send me cash and i’ll go for you. by myself.]

5. a bar near your house. [bars are good meeting spots because there’s no time commitment and a little drinking helps everyone feel a lot less nervous. it’s the “near your house” part that gets a bit tricky. 4 Maker’s and Cokes later where do you think the two of you are going to haplessly end up?]

6. New Year’s Eve. [i actually had a guy ask me out for a blind date on this enormous pressure-cooker of an event. i gently declined but am still astonished to this day that he didn’t think maybe that was a bit much. NYE can be a let down for couples in their 9th year of marriage so i am pretty positive a first date is never going to dodge that bullet.]

7. a comedy club. [ooooh the discomfort of comedians who aren’t funny at all. and the crowd trying hard to laugh because half of them are his/her friends. and the watered down 2 drink minimum and the possibility of some joke offending someone and then that awkward remainder of the date where you don’t know what kind of jokes you’ll ever be able to make with this person. it’s official: the two of you are now the comedy show.]

8. anything water related. [wedgies in wet bathing suits, snotty noses, no possibility for grooming retaining its wow factor, and that whole competitive let’s-get-our-first-fight-out-of-the-way thing add up to a recipe for disaster. unless both of you are avid surfers, there should be a lifeguard who blows his whistle and yells “first date? on no, no, no. out of the water!”]

9. a loud club. [kind of like a movie. standing next to one another trying not to make a fool of yourself by dancing or singing along, not really talking because it’s way too loud, and then going home wondering if you were on a date or just standing next to some guy while listening to a band. might as well be the latter.]

10. your birthday. [this is just silly. so silly, they wrote a Seinfeld episode about it. if you think you should be spending your birthday with a first date, i don’t think you should be reading this blog. seriously. close the window.]

Cyber Love.

August 29, 2011

10 Rules for Online Dating:

1. whomever initiates messages is the alpha. [there are loopholes to this but for the most part true. if you are the one to message someone first, typically you like them more than they like you and you might as well be in high school memorizing their class schedule and trying to accidentally run into them at their locker.]

2. mix up the pics. [i know most people in cities like los angeles have headshots but if it’s the only thing that’s up there you might as well shout “this is the best i’ll ever look!” so mix it up. we need shots of you in a crappy t-shirt or when you just woke up. we’ll never be disappointed when we lay eyes on you for the very first time. a pleasant surprise is always a good thing.]

3. read the questions and answers. [profiles are for suckers. anyone can write anything in that section and they usually do. the real nuggets are the questions that people answer off the cuff while eating a huge cookie in their underwear. they don’t think about these as carefully and this is where the candor lies.]

4. no pen-pals. [messages for weeks with no date planned do not a potential partner make. one of you needs to gather those cajones and ask the other person out. sooner than later.]

5. don’t obsess. [just because someone is on the dating site every minute of every day doesn’t mean they are looking. they could be changing their profile, answering more questions, checking messages or just left it up on their computer and walked away. stop worrying about it. the way they eat one pea at a time during dinner is something you might want to focus on.]

6. have a backup plan. [if my date is a superbly scary one i text my best friend a “911” message and she immediately calls me yelling some crazy verbiage about her mom dying or a flood in her apartment and how she needs me right away. you have to leave the date immediately to go help her handle the situation. he doesn’t know she lives 3000 miles away.]

7. let them know. [we don’t know you like us because you laugh and smile at our jokes. a hand on a leg…a few compliments…and definitely don’t be in a rush to end the date. if your date doesn’t get it by then they are obtuse.]

8. follow up. [after the first blind date text, email, call, something. no dating games where you wait 6 days or something similar you saw in a 90s movie. let her know you like her cause i’ll bet my good head of hair that she isn’t sure and might just lose interest herself.]

9. know what you want and say it. [if you aren’t sure you want a relationship or if you are generally emotionally stunted and know it, that’s okay. just say so somewhere on your profile please. and if you don’t want to do that because it scares people away, you shouldn’t be on a dating site. go pick up a girl in a bar and call it a night.]

10. there are amazing women online. [if you have read and agree with all of the above my username is TracyA44. can’t wait to meet you.]