March 27, 2012

5 body parts i love on me:

1. lower back. 

[that gentle curve of the spine that’s perfectly hollowed right down the center as if this part of me was made with an ice cream scoop]

2. eyes.

s[flecks of orange surround a glassy hazel, lovingly engulfed by the darkest Venus Flytrap of lashes, always blurry in the periphery]

3. hair.

[tones of auburn and sunlight and brown and now bits of grey in a mass of waves that attach themselves to everything]

4. toes.

[long like my fingers giving the illusion i might be tall and lanky, they curl and dance when painted like a Red Delicious]

5. hip bone.

[my fingers’ favorite tracing spot in the morning as i stretch and roll around and imitate my kitty cat before sliding out of the sheets]


5 body parts i love on him:

1. hip bones.

[so much more naturally defined than mine like two ribbons pulled taught on either side of a soft canvas]

2. top of the shoulders.

[the part that dimples at an arm’s lift, rounds to show off its favorite collar bone, reminding me of how you can lift me so easily]

3. mouth.

[2nd to the eyes, a place of connection and a source of raw emotion, your lips and tongue seek answers and reveal your truth]

4. hands.

[sensitive and inquisitive, broad and rough, marching through tumbles of hair and urgently gripping skin alike]

5. hair.

[soft tufts that impel me to look up to confirm your age, revealing the gentle smell of soap and heat and you]

it just is.

March 20, 2012

10 things that are Mystifying but True:

1. muscle memory. [at Tisch they have you do exercises with your classmates that prove we internalize emotion deep into our tissue. when you target a release in these areas you’ll often feel a burst of emotion, seemingly out of nowhere, that’s been trapped inside that muscle for years. swear to god. i imagine this intense network of emotions pulsing right beneath our skin just waiting for a muscle to let go.]

2. intuition. [that feeling when you know something is going to happen and it does. that moment when you have a hunch that this isn’t the right person or the right house or the right time. the calmness that washes over you the second you just know everything is going to be alright. real or imagined, i would be so disappointed in a life without my gut.]

3. the energy of inanimate things. [there is an energy in New Mexico that makes me feel like i’ve come home. i’ve felt this since i was 15 years old. there is something intensely positive about the house i live in that makes me want to create and write and think differently about things. friends have told me they feel it too. i like to think these energies are remnants of people or thoughts or dreams long gone… introducing themselves and asking us to join the party.]

4. coincidence. [utter chaos with totally random moments of intersection? or a subtle design where certain pieces of the puzzle were meant to fit together and always eventually do even though the odds seem impossible? one of my favorite topics so i am not even going to begin to broach this one or we’ll be here all day. just some food for thought.]

5. chemistry. [you know, i really wish this didn’t exist sometimes. as a single lady negotiating the dating perils of Los Angeles, the whole chemistry thing kind of blows. it’s like this elusive but very real thing that we’ve all felt and we are all searching for and without it, a date is just two people who might as well be related hanging out and pretending to wonder how the night will end when both of them knew from the moment they met that it’s going nowhere. ah chemistry. i love you and hate you with all my heart.]

6. deja vu. [i have felt this so strongly that i had to spend a few minutes contemplating whether or not i was awake. this could spurn a conversation about alternate realities and relativity and black holes and anything Hawking-related that sounds cool. but really, it’s clear The Matrix got it right. just a glitch ~ moving right along.]

7. prodigies & geniuses. [random selection that helps push us up another rung of the evolutionary ladder. maybe. gifts from the universe in order to appreciate people other than actors and reality stars. hopefully. all i know is that someone composing music at the age of five allows me to believe we may escape our Idiocracy fate after all.]

8. big first ideas. [what makes a person think of something like the internet? no, no i’m sorry let’s go simpler. who the hell came up with the first battery? i know it was officially Volta in 1801 but who is this guy and what made him so smart & innovative? do they sell those kinda smarts in K-town? cause i want me some.]

9. that “it” factor. [someone once told me that i would never be a successful actress because i didn’t have that “it” factor. yeah i know. i don’t think they realized how insulting that sounded and they are a decent human being so… not the point. but the thing is, i believe in this “it” characteristic. there are people who have this thing about them…you can’t help but be drawn to them when they are talking and especially when you see them on screen. so if it actually does exist, do they sell it in K-town? cause i want me some. that was my subtle way of demonstrating #6.]

10. the subconscious & dreams. [although it’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, you must admit there is a whole lot going on in there that isn’t readily accessible. my dreams are where most of my creative ideas come from and my subconscious knows where my car keys are right now. if we could only tap into this reservoir of goodness more freely. ah well. one more thing that for now, just is.]


March 14, 2012

10 of my most Irrational & Ridiculous fears:

1. dying by spider bite. [an ER doctor in Los Angeles once informed me of my deadly allergy to spiders but was unable to discover what kind of spiders. of course. great. 9 years later i am terrified of any and all spiders because if bit, there is a possibility of blowing up like the elephant girl and imminent death following shortly thereafter. stupid ER doctors that save people’s lives.]

2. demons in my attic. [it’s quite possible that i have watched Paranormal Activity one too many times. my current abode has a very small, white, wooden attic door in the ceiling of my hallway. sometimes i just stand under it and stare. if you look at anything long enough you start to see things move. come on over and try it. if you read this paragraph in a trance-like monotone voice you’ll know what i mean.]

3. disappointing my parents. [i was a good only child. played nice, made straight A’s, and loved my parents unconditionally. i’m sure i also had moments of being an obnoxious little shit but whatever. so now, as a full fledged 30-something adult, i find it odd that when something goes awry in life my first thought is still “crap, what are my parents going to think?” and the worst part of it is, i logically know that at this point they probably wouldn’t even care.]

4. turning into my mother. [i love my mom. unequivocally with my whole heart forever and ever adore my mother. that said, just like every other female alive on this planet, i do not want to be her, act like her, or resemble her in any fashion. irrational, because we are all unique human beings who simply share a few genes and behavioral similarities with our parents. i logically know my mother and i are two very different people and yet…the terror. i am sure she feels the EXACT same way about grandma.]

5. getting into a physical fight. [we are all well aware of my fear of confrontation which confirms this isn’t going to be happening anytime soon and yet, it makes me nervous. maybe i’ll suddenly develop a Tourette’s-like syndrome and with very little warning take a swing at someone who i find mildly annoying hence starting the fist fight i have strategically avoided my entire life. so scary.]

6. bad karma. [i am not the luckiest person you’ll ever meet. i am not the unluckiest person you’ll ever meet. but i do think there is something to this whole karma thing and i am constantly trying to assess whether mine is bad or good. i often fear the worst and wonder if i am fighting an uphill battle. thank god i’ll never know for sure, so i keep on trucking.]

7. being attacked by a dog that i love. [this actually happened to me so i know where this fear comes from and i guess it’s logical. however, i love dogs, am good friends with about 20 of them, and am totally aware that my “dog attack” incident was a one-time freak thing that will most likely never happen again. if you love a dog and they are a sane, healthy, balanced animal nothing is ever going to happen. but still ~ i want Caesar Milan to move in with me asap.]

8. falling out of a roller coaster. [the reason this one is completely ridiculous is because i am also obsessively in love with roller coasters. the scarier the better. so to summarize: i spend 2 hours waiting in line for this new-fangled thrill ride filled with anticipation, joy, and excitement…only to find myself squished between 2 teenagers at the top of a large hill strapped into a coaster convinced i am going to fall out and tumble to my death and clearly wondering who put me up to this.]

9. becoming obese. [i am fearful of this like it’s something that could just “happen” to me. as if it’s possible for me to gain 100 pounds while i am sleeping or during that lull when my brain sort of shuts off and goes on autopilot while driving. that’s right Dr. Oz. i left the West side a size 6 and by the time i arrived in Silverlake i was a size 22. mmm hmm.]

10. being fired. [um…i work for myself.  unless i suddenly wake up as Sybil or Trump and fire myself, i can’t imagine a scenario where this could happen. ridiculous and irrational i am indeed.]