a singular sensation

August 22, 2016

alone5

Preface: I have had a very hard time writing blogs posts lately and I couldn’t really figure out why. I have hundreds of drafts; hundreds. Yet, none of them give me that rush of “yes – I need to post this NOW. this is exactly how i feel in this moment.”

I’ve realized tonight that part of this is not spending time being vulnerable anymore. I’ve been strong and confident and independent and present and self-evaluating for months now… and it’s time to just allow myself to be vulnerable again. Whether that comes across as negative or needy or weak… i don’t care. so here it is – what i really want to write – in all its lonely glory. an homage to being single for 6 years, 2 months and a handful of days.

10 thoughts when you are lonely and have been for a very long time:

  1. am I picky or just weird? [so my friends say i’m picky – of course. but i always try to be honest. could it really be that i’m giving off a vibe of… well i don’t know… weird? or too nice or too independent or too comfortable or too happy or too slutty or too prudish or too easy going? i know this is an incredibly pointless exercise. but it’s honest.]
  2. why do the most popular cliche sayings seem so right but are proving to be so wrong? [as soon as you become single people begin to advise. love yourself first… when you aren’t looking for it… keep yourself open… write out everything you want in a partner… let go and focus on other things… be grateful for everything else in your life. yes. i agree. 1000% agree. i’m just mentioning here, that 6 years later i am still quite lonely.]
  3. people just seem so fucked up. [the human race is sucking it up. did something change or do past decades look so much better than they actually were because we don’t ever remember the bad? all i know is, people are shitty. i’m smacking into more narcissists, men with no manners, and fucked up, closed off people than i can count on 3 hands.]
  4. is there a beautiful fun vacation spot for single people? [Hawaii is out. nope, not Palm Springs. Cabo, no sir. has anyone been to Iceland lately? how’s that looking?]
  5. dating apps don’t work for everyone. [my best friend met the love of her life on OK Cupid. i know for a fact these things can work, but i want to make a clear statement that they don’t always work for everyone. that’s all.]
  6. do people feel sorry for me? [Jesus i really hope not. i hope all of my friends and family and exes and co-workers know that i love a lot about being single. i also love who i’ve become as i creep closer and closer to 40. i love how i look and how i behave and who i surround myself with. sometimes, secretly, but not-so-secretly after this post… i think i might just want a relationship so everyone else can relax.]
  7. standard shifting. [as i get older i notice my standards get higher but fewer at the same time. how is this possible? i no longer need anyone to spend a ton of time with me and i feel set in my ways and crave more alone time than ever… but i want someone so right and so good for me that they are nearing damn perfect which is… well ridiculous.]
  8. if i move will that make a difference? [a lot of women who live in LA blame being single on being in LA. all the singles talk about here is the horrible cesspool of dating that we refer to as Los Angeles. i don’t know. will Austin be the answer? will the guys in Boulder want a real woman with real boobs and real sanity? at some point the moving experiment may be inevitable.]
  9. when it gets real obvious. [there are moments where loneliness is more palpable. like when you’re sitting on your couch watching Stranger Things and you realize with elation that this is the best thing you’ve seen on tv in years. and you look around with a huge grin on your face so excited to share this moment… only to quickly remember that you are still quite alone on your couch. the beauty of Hawaii, accomplishing a life goal, getting excited about a show because you are passionate about good film…these are moments to be shared and no one will ever convince me otherwise.]
  10. love is the most important thing ever. [i desperately want to believe this is a myth. i want to feel in my heart and my belly that work and friends and giving back and living a grateful full life is all enough, because that makes sense in my head. but my heart and my belly want to love and nurture and connect and i just can’t seem to shake it.]
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OKno gracias

July 9, 2014

kissing frog2

[Note: a few people have recently asked me why i stopped online dating about a year ago. there are several reasons – and many amazing blogs about how horrific online dating can be – so i doubt i need to go into detail. let’s just make a list, shall we?]

10 terrible dates over 4 years:

1. “the one who was cheap.” [this actually seemed a normal enough date for a while – very boring but normal – until i finally gave up, quickly paid our tab and said i needed to get home. 5 minutes later, after the most consistent persuading i’ve ever been privy to, he convinces me to please please please please please please stay and have one more drink with him. 25 minutes, 3 more boring topics of conversation and 2 empty glasses later he stared at that check like it was Satan himself. i paid again. thanks guy – so glad i didn’t go home and watch Girls.]

2. “the one who liked to bargain.” [a round of mini golf and the following scenario: he stops, mini golf club in hand, hanging in mid air as if he has some wondrous thought. i say, “what?” he says, “i just don’t think i can continue playing. i can’t play any longer until…well if you gave me a kiss, i could muster the courage.” this was the beginning of a late night of me trying desperately to get him to finish the god damn mini golf and stop bargaining for kisses. because, i suppose i should add, these were the WORST kisses i’ve ever experienced in my life. they weren’t even kisses. it’s a total injustice to use the word kiss. triple bleh.]

3. “the one who thought he was smart.” [i actually introduced this one to my friends. this guy was always wanting to prove his intelligence but weirdly had no sense of humor. zero. he literally could not understand a knock knock joke. my friends constantly looked at him – and me – with the oddest of expressions.]

4. “the one who was gay.” [we only had one quiet lovely dinner, but sometimes you just know right away. i didn’t like him because he reminded me of my best friend in NY who’s a girl. he didn’t like me because of some missing equipment. we parted gracefully.]

5. “the one who was silent.” [this extremely attractive fellow didn’t say anything all night. we ate a meal, we went to a concert, we met up with some of his friends. honestly, not a word. well maybe 25 words but that was only after i asked questions that had to be answered. sometimes i’d ask a question and he would just ignore it. best exercise in patience ever.]

6. “the one who was an acting coach.” [he’s an acting coach who travels the world and does seminars and such. but this guy with a comb-over at 31 really wanted to make it CLEAR that he didn’t like to mix business with pleasure or talk about his career. we talked about him being an acting coach for 3 hours. by the end of the night i lied and told him my profile was old and hadn’t been updated and i had quit acting years ago. and scene.]

7. “the one that was sad.” [after a brief hello and some drink ordering this pour soul explains to me that his mom just died, and he’s desperately trying to figure out how to get out of his horrible job. a night at Laurel Hardware spent talking about his work and how stressful it is while he’s continually checking his phone and talking more and more about his dead mom. i gave him an extra big hug goodnight.]

8. “the one who was sweaty.” [it’s 50 something degrees in Silverlake and this one is sweating through his shirt at the bar. i’m pretty sure the shirt was supposed to be a light blue button-up but it was really….wet. so it’s hard to know for sure. he went to the bathroom for 10 minutes to “fix it” after admitting “he was a little hot.” he then proceeded to sweat until there was really nothing else left to talk about, so we talked about him sweating while i drank a beer like it was one enormous shot, threw my sweater back on, and called it a night.]

9. “the one who hated women.” [yes, i’d like to spend an entire dinner talking about your ex-wife and how she’s nuts and wants to rob you of all of your money that you inherited when your dad died when you were 7 and how all women are crazy and horrible and monsters and how it’s better just to be alone and how stupid marriage is and how all women are really just after a guy’s money. YES PLEASE.]

10. “the one who hated to lose.” [not sure if i missed the memo about some competition taking place, but i spent this evening very confused about my date’s responses and conversational tactics in general. i could say anything. anything at all, like “yes, i think that movie is really awesome and i especially loved the part when that kid died.” his response would be ” you win!” over and over. i am not sure what i won that night but clearly i came out ahead.]

**if you want to read about more terrible online dating stories, click on this link. you’ll fall in love with her. What’s In The Box?