Vanishing Act.

10 Things that Mysteriously Disappear:

1. socks. [so cliche but so true. i don’t attribute this to the washing machine. i literally will wash a pair of socks, take both of them out of the dryer, and place them in my top drawer. but i swear to God every time i get dressed for a workout and reopen that drawer, suddenly there are NONE. what gnome has a pot belly full of my god damn Nike ankle socks?]

2. pens. [i tested this theory. two weeks ago i purchased a pack of 20 pens and stuck the whole package into my glove compartment. two weeks later, tonight, i walked out to my car, opened said glovey and the package is still there but nows contains exactly 14. thank goodness they’re a tax write-off cause this is ludicrous.]

3. hair ties. [okay yes, these tend to show up at a later date when i move and all the dust and spare change and pens and hair ties are uncovered where my bed once was. this does not in any way explain how they got under the bed in the first place.]

4. cash. [i’ll admit, i’m not too great about counting singles and knowing exactly what was in my purse at the start of a day, but i am pretty positive there’s a petty thief living with me or near me or working with me or something. either that or the more obvious answer which is my cats are eating dollar bills when i don’t come home to feed them until 1am.]

5. Post-its. [identical to the pen problem, but i haven’t put it to the test yet. i feel like i am always buying these in fun neons and pastels when i do a Target run and then somehow, as soon as i get a phone call where i need to jot something down, i am forced to resort to a napkin on my desk leftover from breakfast.]

6. headphones. [my expensive audio headphones are from 1988 so there are exceptions to this rule, but those earbuds that come with my Mac or an airline or my cellphone…where are they? i know there is a massive gang of headphones hanging out in a closet just waiting to creep into my bedroom one night and wrap their little cords around me like the giant at the top of the beanstalk.]

7. dates. [lately i have discovered that dating is hard. actually, it kind of sucks. so i am on an official hiatus currently. why you ask? well, it seems a lot of people in Los Angeles are well-schooled in a “disappearing” act that would challenge Houdini. that’s all i have to say about that. let’s move on.]

8. FB friends. [doesn’t happen too often but now and again i’ll be on Facebook and see i have something like 241 friends. in that moment i notice the number and make some strange mental note of it. next day, 240. uh ~ what’d i do?]

9. anger over the small stuff. [the little things that infuriate me the most always leave so suddenly, without any warning at all. this of course is a wonderful thing to be grateful for, but i can’t help but wonder why every negative feeling i’ve ever had in my life can’t work exactly the same way. here one minute, completely wiped from my memory the next. it’s quite lovely.]

10. kitties. [this is the best disappearing act of all time. if you are male, new to my home, and happen to be very tall or have large feet you will never meet my cats. well, Gus loves everyone so i suppose for accuracy’s sake we’re talking about one giant, matted, frightened Mainecoon in La Crescenta.]