August 4, 2015

scrabble tiles

10 of my favorite words and why:

1. Synesthesia. [nouna sensation produced in one modality when a stimulus is applied to another modality, as when the hearing of a certain sound induces the visualization of a certain color. i don’t have the privilege of experiencing this neurological phenomenon firsthand, however i can imagine the sound of a girl crying on the Bachelorette inducing the vision of… a collage of reds with a background of a very bland grey. and a knife in my right eye.]

2. frambuesas. [in the 9th grade i had an extremely cool Spanish teacher who was young and funny and went to Rush concerts. i still don’t really know who the hell Rush is or what they sound like. but her favorite word in Spanish was frambuesas. she would say it every day and roll her r’s like she was making love to the word. i have been infatuated ever since.]

3. chalk. [this is all about the sound. there are clear images of the chalk board i had as a child and my hands covered in pink dust after a gymnastics lesson, but more than that i love onomatopoeia. chalk. when i say it i feel it in my throat and remember a classroom and pavement and something else that i can’t quite place.]

4. smoke. [this word immediately recalls memories and sounds and pictures and smells for me. the scent of sulfur when lighting a match, the vision of a swirl of white in the air, the memory of a campfire you worked hard to ignite and kept lit for hours. such wistfulness in 5 letters.]

5. sanctuary. [this word was the theme of a meditation sitting group i attended recently and it spoke to me immediately. there is nothing like the sanctuary and comfort of your own silence and self. a necessary kindness that is so easily accessible if we just take a moment.]

6. serendipity. [there’s a common misconception of this word in America ~ probably due to the unfortunate Cusack movie that we should all just put behind us if we like John at all. “fortunate happenstance” might come to mind when you see the word. what speaks to me: “Serendipity: Look for something, find something else, and realize that what you’ve found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for.” -Lawrence Block.]

7. solitude. [peace. absence of human interaction. nothing but woods or water or sand or sky. how else can we know anything outside ourselves and stop talking for just a moment?]

8. moist. [why oh why do women everywhere hate this word? i have close friends that look like they are going to literally grab my hair and start a girl fight if i say it one more time. so i say it a lot and i like it. because it’s funny. to annoy people.]

9. gloaming. [does anyone remember that movie In the Gloaming? i was going through a Robert Sean Leonard phase and it was the first time I heard the word. when i later learned it meant “dusk,” which had been one of my favorite words prior, it was immediately replaced. gloaming. that time of day that is just so ethereal. i have always loved the in-between.]

10. suspense. [the cliffhanger, the waiting, the taut gut-wrenching moment, the feeling of being weightless, the thriller that keeps your eyes open so long they begin to feel dry and teary, the magic of being unsure. change is coming and who knows what it will bring?]

and tell.

August 13, 2014


10 things about kissing:

1. squeeze. [the tightest hug possible as your arms wrap around me and the air rushes out of me and my ribs expand grasping for room but are hesitant with the fear of cracking. the tightest fullest hug.]

2. skin. [fingers crawling up my back, gentle and soft and tentative, my skin feeling your mouth, my palms full of hair and soft ears and the skin is so hard to distinguish, boy from girl, man from woman, skin from skin.]

3. moments in between. [when you realize there’s nowhere to be no one to be sounds outside that remind you of your bubble while you catch your breath for just one second and your heart races for the break to end.]

4. Q&A. [the secret silent questioning, searching, seeking for what it is you like and i like and what we could discover we like together. ah! you like biting the lower lip. i’ll do that. ah! you like a push and pull. i’ll do that.]

5. breath. [the moments when your lips are just far enough apart that they can still feel each other’s shadow, but the breath remains intertwined and you inhale and he exhales and you find a beautiful pattern here before diving back into contact.]

6. body parts. [how every part of our face is involved in the whole process – not just lips and hair and hands – but noses and eyelashes and freckles. fingers touching faces, breath touching breath, ears being whispered. and eskimo kisses.]

7. improv. [the ease of listening. the best kind of improv. completely present, listening, feeling energy, willing to wait and ready to go and always, always saying yes.]

8. roller-coaster. [your brain on a train, speeding over hills of connection and intensity, barreling down deep into valleys of quiet and peace, up down up down, joy, thinking, silence, laugh.]

9. scents. [is that him or me or soap or rain or sweet sweat or a faint touch of something like wine or a flower or a cigarette? the intoxicating scents of skin and energy and the day past.]

10. the dance. [the way it flows like a perfect rhythmic heartbeat, from one moment into another. now we are kissing, now we are complimenting, now we are hugging, now we are giggling, now we are kissing, now we just are.]

The Heart of the Matter.

September 28, 2011

10 Lessons Learned after 20 Years of Falling in & out of Love:

1. take nothing for granted. [my first boyfriend wrote me poetry, told me he loved me every day, and basically felt that i was the best thing that could ever have happened to him. i got sick of the poetry, annoyed at the constant affection, and was convinced he was crazy for thinking that i was amazing. i was only 15, but i think life is pretty hilarious. i will never take anything or anyone for granted like that again.]

2. when a person shows you who they really are, believe them. [the smartest thing Oprah ever said. i have a tendency to see the good in people. this also lends itself to making excuses for those who show me who they really are, or even tell me straight out in plain english. i definitely have a predisposition towards falling for the potential instead of the person. working on it.]

3. the heart knows best. [i don’t think anyone can explain certain aspects of love. sometimes, as if you are Juliet, you just get this feeling of certainty when you see someone from across a room. sometimes you wake up one day and realize your best friend is the love of your life and has been there all along. sometimes you can’t explain why, but you feel you’ve always known who you are going to end up with. don’t let anyone call you crazy, because the heart really does know best.]

4. choosing someone out of loneliness might as well be choosing no one at all. [i once dated the now brother-in-law of a great friend of mine. it only lasted about 2 weeks ~ which i can say with great confidence was best for the both of us ~ but looking back i also realize this was a choice made out of sheer loneliness. we were at a wedding, i had just broken off a very long and tumultuous relationship, and the rest is clear. a big lesson learned in 2 lousy little weeks.]

5. the mistake is part of the journey. [i hate cliches that are true even though i created a list about them. “it’s all part of the journey” drives me bonkers mostly because it’s accurate. honestly, if i didn’t have relationships that were pure heartbreak, absolute failure, and a traumatic waste of time how would i know what i’m really desiring?]

6. anything is possible. [i’m a hopeless romantic and an optimist which also makes me certifiably insane. i believe that it’s never too late, that anything could happen with anyone, that my instincts will be right “this time,” and that even unrealistic movie moments can manifest. God help me i hope i am at least a little on track.]

7. time makes the heart grow wiser. [when you are 23 it’s impossible to be aware of what is going to make you happy for the next 50 years. it’s the sweet little things in love that get us through the day-to-day. only as we grow older and spend more time with ourselves can we figure out what all that little crap is for each of us. course, years of breakups increases that knowledge too. either one will work.]

8. timing is everything. [i believe everything happens for a reason. i do not believe it’ll happen when you are least expecting it. does this make sense at all? look, i think we’re all expecting it subconsciously. okay, so maybe it won’t happen when you are desperate and scouring the internet until 3am every morning; agreed. but i think the real truth to timing is that it’s all meant to happen when it’s supposed to. whatever, you get the point.]

9. learn to pretend there’s more to life. [this is a lyric from an old Indigo Girls song and those lovely lesbians really knew how to put emotion into words. pretending there is more to life than love, focusing on everything else that fulfills you as a person first is key. this is of course in complete contradiction to number 8 but hey, i am single and confused.]

10. no one is a better judge than yourself. [things happen behind closed doors that can never be fully understood by anyone other than the two people locked in that room. sure, we can all explain things ’til our cheeks are purple but really, only a couple in love knows the heart of the matter.]