2017 the way i saw it.

January 1, 2018

leftovers-1

10 shows that summarize my 2017:

  1. Wonder Woman: women are indeed bad ass. in 2017 i made a movie and it is going to turn out god damn amazing. our crew was 85% female including a female DP, writer, producer and director. oh and did i say it looks incredible? Wonder Woman better watch out.
  2. Get Out: 2017 took some major steps backward but there is a movement of people that see it and know it and are going to be the ones to eventually change it. we have been stuck in several ways for one too many years, but change is inevitable. at the very least, we have to start and continue talking about it. all of it.
  3. The Last Jedi: eventually we all grow up. we all live, we all love, we all die. it all comes in waves. it all comes back around. sometimes exactly what we thought would happen…. doesn’t. and sometimes right when we think it’s over, it’s all just starting over again. life is incredible.
  4. Baby Driver: everyone has something inside that drives them. when in doubt and everyone is an asshole, find that spark and turn it up, make it the soundtrack to your life. if that isn’t the key to happiness it’s for sure the key to being great at faking it.
  5. The Handmaid’s Tale: some might call 2017… difficult. i call it a Dumpster Fire. but even in the greatest of shit storms, we connect, we breathe, we rebel, we love, we fight.
  6. MindHunter: sometimes your passions change you, for better or for worse. 2017 was a year where i was forced to let go of some of my passions, for better or for worse. changing whole parts of your identity and ego is pure pain… but when you come out the other side all it ever was, was just change. always for the better.
  7. Wormwood: finding the truth is harder than you might imagine. 2017 taught me that it is utterly impossible to get the answer to everything i want to know. truth is a fickle thing; it depends on who is voicing it. ultimately truth seekers are my people. but i think it’s worth noting that the phrase truth is an illusion didn’t just spring up out of nowhere and Nietzsche ain’t no dummy.
  8. Guardians of the Galaxy – Volume 2: i love that there are things you just know are going to be great. or at least really, really fucking fun. thank god for predictability where we can get it.
  9. Wind River: a little positivity never hurt nobody. a lot of personal bad shit happened in 2017 but i have always woken up choosing positivity and hope, because what else is there? this movie reflects the incredibly fucked up world we live in and that sometimes there are good people and sometimes good people win and sometimes we get an ounce of closure. and a little closure never hurt nobody.
  10. The Leftovers (finale): everything must come to an end ~ especially the good. learning to let go has been my greatest life lesson of 2017. without letting go there is no present, only what has already taken place or the fantasy of what might be. i balled at this show’s finale, for more reasons than i can count. i even had to let go of the idea of theme music. thank you, Tom Perrotta, thank you. and thank you, 2017.
Advertisements

soul shifting.

May 14, 2017

10 things that completely shift when you find out you have a life-altering disease:

superthumb

1. the taste of food. [i really cannot figure out if this is medicine related or the mind. i prefer to think that my brain immediately realized its own mortality and decided to try anything and everything it illogically hated before – just in case. i have much more respect for my brain this way.]

2. the passage of time. [well what can i say? it is just moving differently. a little slower… a little less rushed… a bit more boring but with more flavor. i can only compare this to being under water with music and light and a mixed feeling of dread and joy. hmmm. i think #2 makes me sound slightly bonkers. oki.]

3. the difficulty of addiction. [have you ever wondered if a doctor ordered you not to do something would it be easier to quit? and then wondered if that was your addict ego just prolonging the quitting and why some people can just stop cold turkey and others get cancer and smoke until their last breath and which one am i? a doctor telling you to quit is the only way to know who you are in this scenario and it turns out…it’s pretty easy. phew.]

4. the purpose. [well shit. it’s not being green-lit to make your movies or getting that perfect job or finding that life partner that feels like coming home or meditation or nothing. turns out, it’s all of it.]

5. the priorities. [i don’t really care about you. i mean, in the bigger sense of things. turning 40 said goodbye to about ten thousand fucks, but finding out you have a degenerative disease? oh hell no. i come first and everyone who loves me is saying it’s about time anyway.]

6. the love and kindness. [i really do care about you. because like it or not, like me or not, we live in a world and a community where we are all interconnected. may sound cliche but the truth is that every piece of love we put out there is a huge something. every. tiny. piece.]

7. the days. [like i said, time already moves a bit differently. i want to wake up every morning and think, what will make me happy today and god damn do it. today i ate 3 pieces of pizza and walked for an hour blasting music. each day a thing we have at our happiness disposal.]

8. the friends. [this morning i got a text message from a girlfriend that said “just thinking of you today and how thankful i am for you! love you.” no joke, this morning. and i get these all the time because i am the luckiest fucking person in the world. everyone deserves such love.]

9. the forgiveness. [i recently had my heart broken. again. and believe me, there are days when i think wow, that is absolutely the last person i will ever get to know in an intimate way. i am done – totally done forever. but then, i think about what my life would be like if i had never met him, and what if this disease does something horrible to me really, really soon. and then i think, thank god. thank god i got that time with another human being who showed me i still have the strength to crack my heart wide open and love. even when it isn’t wanted. my beautiful heart.]

10. the gratefulness. [the taste of food, time, quitting smoking, the ever-allusive purpose of life, myself, others, every day and every friend. forgiveness. for these things i am so grateful and i always will be, as long as i am here. make that as long as humanly possible.]

a singular sensation

August 22, 2016

alone5

Preface: I have had a very hard time writing blogs posts lately and I couldn’t really figure out why. I have hundreds of drafts; hundreds. Yet, none of them give me that rush of “yes – I need to post this NOW. this is exactly how i feel in this moment.”

I’ve realized tonight that part of this is not spending time being vulnerable anymore. I’ve been strong and confident and independent and present and self-evaluating for months now… and it’s time to just allow myself to be vulnerable again. Whether that comes across as negative or needy or weak… i don’t care. so here it is – what i really want to write – in all its lonely glory. an homage to being single for 6 years, 2 months and a handful of days.

10 thoughts when you are lonely and have been for a very long time:

  1. am I picky or just weird? [so my friends say i’m picky – of course. but i always try to be honest. could it really be that i’m giving off a vibe of… well i don’t know… weird? or too nice or too independent or too comfortable or too happy or too slutty or too prudish or too easy going? i know this is an incredibly pointless exercise. but it’s honest.]
  2. why do the most popular cliche sayings seem so right but are proving to be so wrong? [as soon as you become single people begin to advise. love yourself first… when you aren’t looking for it… keep yourself open… write out everything you want in a partner… let go and focus on other things… be grateful for everything else in your life. yes. i agree. 1000% agree. i’m just mentioning here, that 6 years later i am still quite lonely.]
  3. people just seem so fucked up. [the human race is sucking it up. did something change or do past decades look so much better than they actually were because we don’t ever remember the bad? all i know is, people are shitty. i’m smacking into more narcissists, men with no manners, and fucked up, closed off people than i can count on 3 hands.]
  4. is there a beautiful fun vacation spot for single people? [Hawaii is out. nope, not Palm Springs. Cabo, no sir. has anyone been to Iceland lately? how’s that looking?]
  5. dating apps don’t work for everyone. [my best friend met the love of her life on OK Cupid. i know for a fact these things can work, but i want to make a clear statement that they don’t always work for everyone. that’s all.]
  6. do people feel sorry for me? [Jesus i really hope not. i hope all of my friends and family and exes and co-workers know that i love a lot about being single. i also love who i’ve become as i creep closer and closer to 40. i love how i look and how i behave and who i surround myself with. sometimes, secretly, but not-so-secretly after this post… i think i might just want a relationship so everyone else can relax.]
  7. standard shifting. [as i get older i notice my standards get higher but fewer at the same time. how is this possible? i no longer need anyone to spend a ton of time with me and i feel set in my ways and crave more alone time than ever… but i want someone so right and so good for me that they are nearing damn perfect which is… well ridiculous.]
  8. if i move will that make a difference? [a lot of women who live in LA blame being single on being in LA. all the singles talk about here is the horrible cesspool of dating that we refer to as Los Angeles. i don’t know. will Austin be the answer? will the guys in Boulder want a real woman with real boobs and real sanity? at some point the moving experiment may be inevitable.]
  9. when it gets real obvious. [there are moments where loneliness is more palpable. like when you’re sitting on your couch watching Stranger Things and you realize with elation that this is the best thing you’ve seen on tv in years. and you look around with a huge grin on your face so excited to share this moment… only to quickly remember that you are still quite alone on your couch. the beauty of Hawaii, accomplishing a life goal, getting excited about a show because you are passionate about good film…these are moments to be shared and no one will ever convince me otherwise.]
  10. love is the most important thing ever. [i desperately want to believe this is a myth. i want to feel in my heart and my belly that work and friends and giving back and living a grateful full life is all enough, because that makes sense in my head. but my heart and my belly want to love and nurture and connect and i just can’t seem to shake it.]

much appreciated.

October 9, 2014

poached eggs

10 things it took me over 30 years to enjoy:

1. Eggs [i hated these so much as a kid i smothered them in ketchup. i still enjoy a little ketchup and Sriracha here and there, but man there’s nothing like a poached egg on a Sunday morning. on a crab cake.]

2. Love. [not that i didn’t “enjoy” being in love in the past. that’s clearly impossible. however, hindsight is 20/20 and i do think that i may have taken some of it for granted. between the age of 15 and 33 i was single a total of 11 months. combined. now that i’m officially in the longest stint of singledom i could ever have imagined, i see love as quite the rare blessing & i look forward to really showing it the appreciation it has always deserved.]

3. Alone time. [i’m an only child so there’s been a lot of alone time in my life. i taught my stuffed animals for years ~ just me and my Pound Puppies & Cabbage Patch Kids in my room with a blackboard ~ and i wished for a sibling who could be my real-life playmate. now i realize what a fine thing it is to spend time with just me, myself, and i.]

4. Exercise. [in high school i remember getting up at 5:30am, turning on the television, and working out to Gilad’s Bodies In Motion. he was in Hawaii with some lovely ladies; all sweating and tanning simultaneously. i remember feeling this was a chore that i needed to do – to stay thin and “normal” and not get kicked off the cheerleading squad. now i work out because it makes me feel stronger, taller, more confident and more capable of just about everything.]

5. Compliments. [someone recently made it a point to tell me how much they enjoy reading my blog and how much they would love to see more. this person is not my best friend and is in fact, someone i only see once a year through work. i didn’t even know my blog was on her radar. a decade ago i would have responded with a “gee thanks” or a “oh really? that’s nice.” this time i jumped up and down and clapped my hands and thanked her profusely for feeling that way and telling me. a kid in a candy store.]

6. Straightened hair. [the 25% of my genes that come from Spain give me lovely eyelashes and a healthy appetite for paella and wine but also happen to bestow upon me the weirdest waviest hair ever. i’ve spent countless hours in the bathroom ~ combing, straightening, arranging, and basically trying to pull it all out. now i get my hair chemically straightened every 4 months and i don’t even have to brush it. a simple but marvelous miracle.]

7. Social media. [as my last post suggests, i often feel torn about social media and definitely go through phases of hating it. but overall i’ve come to appreciate and honor this technological gift. we are so very lucky to be able to reconnect with long lost friends and promote our passions with the click of a button.]

8. Hip hop. [i still have a beef with my best friend from my high school who ~ in my perception ~ sees me as that girl i was in 11th grade. living under a music boulder. but when i hit my early 30s there was a re-discovery of a deep love for music and hip hop has worked its way in there like the true baller it is.]

9. A roommate. [with all of the crap we deal with in a day, what’s better than coming home to a person you love? everyone deserves someone who totally gets and accepts you, will always listen, and more than anything will sit in silence with you and watch 19 Kids and Counting.]

moonride kingdom

10. Wes Anderson. [i spent about 10 years telling people that i felt 50/50 on Wes Anderson. in reality, this statement was total bullshit. one of those things you said once and in that moment decided it was definitely the way you felt about it even though you never gave it any thought at all. recently i went through the entire Anderson filmography and realized…uh, yeah i like his stuff. a lot. like more than most filmmakers. oops. sorry everyone. i take it all back.]

 

let me count the ways.

March 22, 2013

Image

10 of my favorite people and why:

1. the way he makes me feel like i have the brother i always wanted…without the punching and the crying.

2. the way she texts me in the middle of the day at random to tell me how much she misses me.

3. the way he makes me love being a kid again while feeling protected…since the day i was born.

4. the way she always understands my thoughts completely…especially when i express them to her in the exact way they first formed in my own brain.

5. the way he makes me laugh so hard my sides feel like they’re going to rip apart and the more it hurts, the more i crave it.

6. the way her voicemail messages give me the best laugh on the worst days.

7. the way he’s always willing to listen to me, even about the same shit over and over again….and over again.

8. the way her energy calms me naturally and makes me want to stay all night.

9. the way he always makes me feel like a girl…especially during karaoke.

10. the way she saves her advice for the problems that really matter…and knows instinctively which ones those are.

l-o-v-e your Tuesday.

February 14, 2012

5 special things to do on Valentine’s Day if you are Single:

1. a concert. [this very special thing happens to be what i’m doing. Lauryn Hill with 2 other beautiful single ladies seems like Tuesday night heaven ~ Valentine’s Day or not.]

2. a cheesy movie with friends. [the Vow is currently in theaters. Rachel McAdams seems pretty cool and Gosling says she was an awesome girlfriend so, yeah. lots of crying and bad acting but sooooo fun.]

3. roller skating. [about a week ago i partook in this activity for the first time in at least 15 years so i suppose it’s on my mind. i went in with zero expectations and came out with a sore face from freaking smiling so much. yeah that’s right. i let my expert roller skating girlfriend hold my hand and drag me around that old school rink with a grin the size of Texas plastered to my face. you should definitely be bummed you missed it.]

4. the Underground Rebel Bingo Club. [it’s like Fight Club. but with bingo. no, i am not kidding. the first rule of the Rebel Bingo Club is you do not talk about the Rebel Bingo Club. i can’t tell you where it is. i can’t tell you what it is. i’m already in trouble for giving you this link:  www.rebelbingo.com]

5. a casino night. [grab some single friends and head to Vegas or Palm Springs people. even if you don’t love gambling, casinos are crazy and what better day of the year for some debauchery? cigars, entertainment, pretty people, fancy restaurants, a reason to dress up, clubs that make you feel 19 again…an adult amusement park in one enormous building.]

4 special things to do on Valentine’s Day if you are in a Relationship:

1. create your own drive-in @ home. [i have a backyard and if you do too, consider this: blankets and wine and food and candles laid out in the grass with a big ass projector hanging from a tree playing your favorite movie or an old classic you’ve never seen and pretending the two of you are in the backseat of something like a Ford Thunderbird. oops ~ watch the gear shift.]

2. favorite food night. [why not call the moms and get the recipes for those favorite dishes that made you run home right after school? cook these for one another and then hire a maid to do the dishes while you head out back to the drive-in.]

3. rent an RV for the night. [i know there are luxurious hotels everywhere you look, but jumping into an RV and camping out for the night sounds way more interesting. a beautiful night with stars and campfires but no collapsing tents or rock-hard sleeping surfaces. find a spot near the ocean {Malibu Creek} or the mountains {Lake Arrowhead}, throw some steaks on the grill, and dive right into the champagne.]

4. sappy serenading karaoke. [these karaoke places have to be slower on February 14th right? i would hope so because then you can sing crappy love songs to one another without having to wait. plus there won’t be hundreds of onlookers pissed you aren’t singing something upbeat because it’s Heart Day after all. take advantage of the one day of the year they’ll actually understand.]

1 special thing to do on Valentine’s Day no matter what your Relationship status:

1. balls to the wall. [no matter what, go full force. fuck it. if you are on roller skates with a girlfriend, laugh so hard you fall ’til you’re bruised. if you are laying in the backyard watching a movie, make sure the person lying next to you knows that this is the only place you’d ever want to be. if you are alone at home sipping scotch, eating pizza, and watching reality television don’t waste a second feeling guilty. ’cause sure enough ~ at any moment ~ someone could waltz right into your life and change all that me time forever. whatever you’re doing, make it count and love your Tuesday.]

“I {kind of} Do.”

November 8, 2011

5 Reasons I’ll Probably never get Remarried:

1. the idea of it. [i long for rebellion. since i was a child it is in my nature to make the grades & never skip school, always give 110%, and basically follow all the rules. although this is my genetic makeup, my heart often wishes it could be different and i yearn for rebellion as if it’s a long lost summer love. why do we all have to do it the same way? at times, i am confident that marriage is an unnatural societal construct and ultimately, just a piece of paper.]

2. children. [this is an addendum to #1. my main goal as a future parent is to be the best role model i can be. live by example and live as if you’ve got one shot at it. this said, how awesome would it be to show my kids that mommy and daddy are totally, irrevocably in love and that marriage isn’t a necessity for everyone? i want my children to embrace that they have one short life to live and to do whatever works best for them while they’re living it.]

3. money. [oh my god do i love how my money is my own again. and yes, i was the one who pushed and pushed for a joint account. my bad. there really is something so wonderful about knowing that what you earn and save and spend and throw away is yours to do that with and yours alone. i don’t ever want to let that go again.]

4. family. [my family has been to my wedding and it was beautiful. it was, in some ways, the wedding of my dreams and i think my family would agree there are no regrets. life is a journey and an expensive wedding was part of ours. we all laughed and stuffed our faces and drank and were merry and i am not sure we need to do any of that a second time.]

5. i am a romantic. [actually the word sap might be more like it and for me, part of that definition includes believing that you only get married once. crazy in this day in age, i know, but i believe that the love of my life is out there and that he may be just as romantic a person as myself. in my imagination, we both will agree that we’ll have to come up with something different because being husband #2 just doesn’t sound very romantic to either of us.]

5 Reasons I’ll Probably get Remarried:

1. the idea of it. [there are several things about marriage that i admire and look forward to. heck, why do you think i got married the first time? the thought of being legally and honorably bound to someone who wants to be your teammate through life is pretty awesome and kind of makes me forget about dirty socks and farting and sharing money and all the rest of it.]

2. children. [sometimes children with married parents do pretty well i think. i mean, we’re all fucked up and there are kids that still suffer over their parents’ divorce from 30 years ago. there are children that have a loving and unbroken home who are addicted to heroine. god knows. however, there is something to be said for a legal document that makes everything a little bit easier for the kids when life has its ups and downs, big and small. talk to any gay couple with children and i bet they’ll be happy to assist with a dissertation.]

3. money. [those damn tax breaks are pretty amazing. no, seriously, i would never get remarried for this reason but there are some lovely financial perks that act as the sweetest icing on the cake. shared bills, taxes, two incomes making it possible to build a future. when two people in love figure out how to make the money part run like clockwork, it’s truly a work of art.]

4. family. [i think every family loves a great wedding. even if it’s not the first, weddings are in some ways the best family affair. drunken toasts that no one can or will forget, families combining and growing into villages, everyone gathered in one place at one time for a reason that makes everyone forget their crap and simply smile.]

5. i am a romantic. [the real reason: i still believe in love. it’s been an interesting year but at the core of me i still daydream about forever committing to someone’s quirks and knowing they are just as passionate about mine. a song i used to listen to in college says “learn to pretend there’s more than love that matters.” most of the time i really don’t want to.]

Momentum.

October 12, 2011

10 Tiny but Beautiful Moments:

1. the moment you realize you truly enjoy being alone. [there is a transition period between the end of a long-term relationship and the onset of reality where being alone is of course the most AWESOME thing ever because you’ve been in a crappy 1 bedroom apartment with someone you liked less and less every day for the past however many years. that doesn’t count. i am speaking of the moment after an unspecified amount of time when you open your eyes and think “i could wake up every day, alone, like this, and be perfectly content. living with myself is pretty rad.” that moment.]

2. the moment you first felt real independence. [i remember mine so clearly. i was sitting in my ’83 Honda Prelude and it was the first day i officially had my driver’s license. it was raining and i remember the sound of the wipers and the feel of the leather stick shift. i remember thinking that i could drive anywhere by myself, right past the high school and onto the open highway if i wanted. for the first time i felt completely free.]

3. the moment you know you have a great friend. [there is a switch between good acquaintance and friend that is flipped in a nanosecond and it’s like a burst of light illuminating the friendship forever. you tell them something you’ve never told anyone, or they stand up for you in a situation where they really don’t have to, or you are suddenly both laughing so hard your ribs ache. the sound of that switch clicking on is barely noticeable so listen for it.]

4. the moment you realize your parents aren’t God. [i remember a tree frog “event” in my house late one night at the ripe age of 11 or 12. this story is legend in my family and i will not fully embarrass my father my retelling it on a blog. let’s just say my dad wasn’t his perfectly heroic self that evening ~ although he gets an A+ for effort ~ and it was the first moment in my life where i realized my parents might be human after all. good and bad, it’s a momentous revelation to be remembered.]

5. the moment just before the weather changes. [that whip of wind where the temperature starts to drop. that first splatter of rain that exponentially leads to hundreds within seconds. that first chill before snowfall. that moment you get right before nature shifts reminds me of my size in the universe and how grateful i am to be a part of something so grand.]

6. the moment before you say i love you. [an anxious and excited moment, or something you feel quite serene and confident about, or something that rises to the surface that’s been lingering down deep for quite a while and finally needs to see the light of day. in any scenario, this moment feels so right and is always well worth the wait.]

7. the moment you know it’s over. [while your heart is breaking and your mind has gone numb, there is nothing like the feeling of a door shutting because another one has opened at that exact same moment. we only realize this much later, but that doesn’t make the moment less wondrous.]

8. the moment you realize you have a great idea. [i have a few Aries friends who have these about 40 times per day, but for me they’re a little more infrequent. when those synapses get moving, for me i know my life and brain have purpose. let the adventure begin.]

9. the moment you feel exhausted from creating something. [after the synapses have finally decided to take a big nap, the exhaustion and emptiness of giving something to the world is one of the greatest feelings ever. does your body vibrate a little when it happens? me too.]

10. the moment you first wake up after an incredible dream. [my knees curl to my chest and my heart begs for sleep to overtake me again, but i know this moment is precious. dreams and reality seem entangled for just a few morning moments and life is easy and comfortable and warm. even one of these per month would keep me going forever.]

The Heart of the Matter.

September 28, 2011

10 Lessons Learned after 20 Years of Falling in & out of Love:

1. take nothing for granted. [my first boyfriend wrote me poetry, told me he loved me every day, and basically felt that i was the best thing that could ever have happened to him. i got sick of the poetry, annoyed at the constant affection, and was convinced he was crazy for thinking that i was amazing. i was only 15, but i think life is pretty hilarious. i will never take anything or anyone for granted like that again.]

2. when a person shows you who they really are, believe them. [the smartest thing Oprah ever said. i have a tendency to see the good in people. this also lends itself to making excuses for those who show me who they really are, or even tell me straight out in plain english. i definitely have a predisposition towards falling for the potential instead of the person. working on it.]

3. the heart knows best. [i don’t think anyone can explain certain aspects of love. sometimes, as if you are Juliet, you just get this feeling of certainty when you see someone from across a room. sometimes you wake up one day and realize your best friend is the love of your life and has been there all along. sometimes you can’t explain why, but you feel you’ve always known who you are going to end up with. don’t let anyone call you crazy, because the heart really does know best.]

4. choosing someone out of loneliness might as well be choosing no one at all. [i once dated the now brother-in-law of a great friend of mine. it only lasted about 2 weeks ~ which i can say with great confidence was best for the both of us ~ but looking back i also realize this was a choice made out of sheer loneliness. we were at a wedding, i had just broken off a very long and tumultuous relationship, and the rest is clear. a big lesson learned in 2 lousy little weeks.]

5. the mistake is part of the journey. [i hate cliches that are true even though i created a list about them. “it’s all part of the journey” drives me bonkers mostly because it’s accurate. honestly, if i didn’t have relationships that were pure heartbreak, absolute failure, and a traumatic waste of time how would i know what i’m really desiring?]

6. anything is possible. [i’m a hopeless romantic and an optimist which also makes me certifiably insane. i believe that it’s never too late, that anything could happen with anyone, that my instincts will be right “this time,” and that even unrealistic movie moments can manifest. God help me i hope i am at least a little on track.]

7. time makes the heart grow wiser. [when you are 23 it’s impossible to be aware of what is going to make you happy for the next 50 years. it’s the sweet little things in love that get us through the day-to-day. only as we grow older and spend more time with ourselves can we figure out what all that little crap is for each of us. course, years of breakups increases that knowledge too. either one will work.]

8. timing is everything. [i believe everything happens for a reason. i do not believe it’ll happen when you are least expecting it. does this make sense at all? look, i think we’re all expecting it subconsciously. okay, so maybe it won’t happen when you are desperate and scouring the internet until 3am every morning; agreed. but i think the real truth to timing is that it’s all meant to happen when it’s supposed to. whatever, you get the point.]

9. learn to pretend there’s more to life. [this is a lyric from an old Indigo Girls song and those lovely lesbians really knew how to put emotion into words. pretending there is more to life than love, focusing on everything else that fulfills you as a person first is key. this is of course in complete contradiction to number 8 but hey, i am single and confused.]

10. no one is a better judge than yourself. [things happen behind closed doors that can never be fully understood by anyone other than the two people locked in that room. sure, we can all explain things ’til our cheeks are purple but really, only a couple in love knows the heart of the matter.]

test the water.

September 14, 2011

10 Things we Dread until we Do Them:

1. working out. [nobody looks forward to this except those crazy trainers who totally have a screw loose and probably don’t even sleep. but you know…once you’re about halfway through that exhausting, sweaty torture invigoration sets in. endorphins are pretty neat-o.]

2. conquering a phobia. [i have witnessed this firsthand and it’s awesome as hell to watch. my ex had a huge fear of heights and walked across a rickety bridge that was about 200 feet above a rocky and jagged river. the look on his face after conquering that bridge is permanently etched in my memory to this day.]

3. childbirth. [i have yet to meet a girl friend who felt pure excitement and anticipation at the thought of pushing a cantaloupe out of her lower region. i have yet to meet a guy friend who felt ready and financially secure and just couldn’t wait for his bundle of joy to hurry up already. okay, well maybe towards the very end but those last 2 weeks are my only exception.]

4. taking a risk. [doing something against your nature…moving to a town where you don’t know anyone…changing jobs without any experience…letting your heart go and leaping into a relationship. you can’t know unless you risk it and i’ll bet that whatever the outcome there’s no regrets baby; no regrets.]

5. throwing up. [it all starts with that creeping heat that slowly flushes into your cheeks and spreads to your neck and forehead. then, the sweats. next your throat feels like it’s got a Boa constrictor or a wrestler attached and you just know it’s got to happen. the bliss of feeling normal and healthy and empty afterwards can’t be beat.]

6. marriage. [okay i’ll admit not everybody fears their wedding day, but i know a few who did. then they had their beautiful moment on a beach or on a mountain or in a church or in an Arby’s. once your whole family is sitting staring at you and crying and murmuring romantic coos while solemn life promises are being made, i believe you could consider the dread a distant memory.]

7. buying a house. [i have no personal experience, but i hear that some serious trepidation is involved with this event. pounds of paperwork, pushy realtors, confusing brokers, and pretty much the scariest, biggest purchase of your life. then you are sitting on your front porch with a beer and a book and don’t remember any of it. kind of like number 3.]

8. confrontation. [not necessarily angry, crazy, hair-pulling kind of showdowns; just confrontation in general. when i step up and tell someone what i really think, i feel my gut sigh with relief and delight that i did it.]

9. night swimming. [the inspiration for this list tonight. the colder it gets outside the harder it is to jump in, but trust is key. trust that you’ll hit that water, freeze for a nanosecond and then feel the best you’ve felt all week. now the real difficult part is getting out.]

10. saying i love you. [so scary. will they say it back? are you even sure? will it change anything by saying it out loud? and then the deed is done and however it’s received you’re sure it was a moment that was always meant to be.]