truth or dare.

July 30, 2017

8586216433_dc1e3265cc_b

10 truths we all Know but don’t want to Admit:

Truth #1: Pinocchio. [we aren’t that good at lying. but people pretend right along with us. and then sometimes ~ if they know us well ~ they’re playing along to get us to admit to the lie. or sometimes we all play the game together with silent understanding. do we think this makes life easier or more challenging? whatever the reason, it’s true.]

Truth #2: Fantasy Island. [the story in our head never turns out to be reality. i envision every important scenario in my life and how it will most likely turn out. this takes great over-thinking. careful attempts to be unbiased and get the most logical possible picture. not once has this vision been even remotely accurate. i’m even terrible at predicting winners of the Bachelor. clearly, this is not my forte. but we all do this, it’s true.]

Truth #3: Show & Tell. [no one wants to see all of our photos. we know it and yet it’s such a strong need to show, show, show! and even when our friend or loved one looks like they are positively watching paint dry, we keep on showing. it’s an addiction ~ a moving train that’s going way too fast to ditch. and don’t get me started on our playlists. you know, it’s true.]

Truth #4: Hide & Seek. [we all live with at least one shame from childhood. there’s certainly traumatic options here, but even smaller less damaging experiences are hard to admit. peer pressure to do something not so wonderful, family crap, a less than attractive show of weakness, or just a really awkward phase… we all got ’em. it’s so easy to hide but it’s true.]

Truth #5: Mirror, Mirror. [if the same thing keeps happening to you, you are the common denominator. the world does not revolve around you. you are not the center of the universe. however, if your head keeps slamming up against the same brick wall – same fight, same girl, same guy, same problem – we all know that the universe has a lesson made just for you. pay attention and enjoy the spotlight for a moment because it’ll pass once you realize it’s true.]

Truth #6: Scaredy Cat. [we all fight fear an inordinate amount of the time. whether it’s death or the person next door who doesn’t look like you or the doctor or being vulnerable or feeling responsible or being accepted or cancer or war or walking alone in the dark. i despise fear and i fear people’s fear. a personal conundrum but it’s true.]

Truth #7: Swim Fan. [we all have obsessions and/or addictions. i believe it’s a human thing as we work it all out in this life. maybe it’s okay to obsess about at least one thing. it’s probably the thing we are best at. or… we will be eventually. or…we’ll be admitted to Passages Malibu but things will always get better. it’s true.]

Truth #8: Secret Agent. [you never really know a person. we all walk around with our friends and our siblings and our co-workers and our husbands and our children and we spend 100% of our time acting like we know these crazies. like because we’ve spent hours talking with them and sleeping with them and feeding them that we know them like no one else does. that is some delusional shit and incredible because it’s true.]

Truth #9: Fire Starter. [we have horrible thoughts sometimes. this one is really tough to admit. nobody wants to judge themselves at a core level of humanity, including me. but i admit, my thoughts have wandered down a dark path now and again. i figure all i can do is work on facing it and appreciate that i haven’t actually acted on any of those thoughts. it’s fucking hard being a good person, it’s true.]

Truth #10: Sleeping Beauty. [at times, we fake sleeping. everybody always talks about women faking all kinds of shit but what about the sleeping? we have all had a moment where we didn’t want the person coming to bed to know we were awake – for so many various reasons. and we all secretly also know that they know that we ain’t sleeping. let’s all keep doing it anyway just because it’s true.]

Advertisements

i can explain.

April 13, 2012

10 things we Rationalize:

1. addictions. [inner voice: we all need a vice. no one is perfect. there is a sadness felt for those who strive for the unattainable in life which we all know is a ruse. it’s just a cigarette. it’s just eating chalk. reality: that’s all you got? put the cancer stick down you crazy addict.]

2. things we don’t like about ourselves. [inner voice: this is just my personality. when you look at my parents, i actually turned out pretty great. i could have been real fucked up, but instead i have a few character flaws that drive a couple of people to tears. you can’t please everyone. reality: if i’m talking about it this much, i probably need to fix it.]

3. why they broke up with us. [inner voice: i know that it’s meant to be. i should feel lucky that she let me off the hook so early ~ before we got married and had kids and a mortgage and were really screwed. she never really appreciated me for who i am and it’s time for me to find someone who can and will. reality: you were ridiculously unhappy, had started sounding like a condescending parent while fighting, and it was over a long, long time ago.]

4. little white lies. [inner voice: what difference does it make in the long run? ignorance is bliss after all. will that fib i told about how much pizza i ate last week haunt me when i am on my deathbed? no. reality: why lie about anything? i am just deceiving myself more than anyone and since these are lies about nothing, that’s even weirder.]

5. toxic friends. [inner voice: i swear i can explain this. even the most toxic of friends teach me something every day. patience, that all people have flaws, the general human condition…it all has meaning and it’s important to see the bigger picture. don’t you dare think that i am lazy or avoiding confrontation or taking the easy way out. reality: you are lazy and avoiding confrontation and taking the easiest way out ever.]

6. buying things we don’t need. [inner voice: i work hard for my money. i am an adult and can make my own decisions about my priorities, material and non-material. who’s to say that an expensive emulsifier doesn’t make a person’s life more fulfilled? you? i need it. reality: if i want it, i should buy it. however, i am not allowed to complain to my friends about being broke next week.]

7. lack of will power. [inner voice: i would never want to blame everything on my parents so i’ll take responsibility for this one. but i do think it has to be a genetic thing. some people just have this natural willpower that i don’t. those people who can make it through the Master Cleanse for more than 5 days. perfect example. reality: your best friend can do the Master Cleanse for more than 10 days but she has been known to eat a pint of ice cream before bed. often. we choose what we care to complete.]

8. fear. [inner voice: when i was 7 i almost drowned in the lake by my house… my aunt died in a plane crash… i can’t think of a direct reason why i’d be afraid of choking but i read this awesome book on past lives… reality: the human brain needs fear to know when something is wrong. it’s not a weakness but a survival skill.]

9. non-personal communication. [inner voice: it seems like i don’t have time for anything anymore. i don’t have time to shower or cook or pet my animals. you see, life has become a sea of crap to do. don’t bother me with talking on the phone. send me a text, shoot me a FB comment, and we’re good. reality: i am now relying on the rapid progression of technology to avoid all human contact because i’ve always wanted to do that.]

10. love for a “bad” movie or book. [inner voice: i refuse to be pseudo-intellectual about everything and everyone. sometimes a little fluff can be a good thing. detune, turn your brain off, and just enjoy. it’s supposed to be “entertainment” after all ~ not studying for your LSATs. reality: if you love Twilight and The Jersey Shore it doesn’t make you a bad person or stupid. just admit it already and let people judge how they may.]

Arachibutyrophobia

March 14, 2012

10 of my most Irrational & Ridiculous fears:

1. dying by spider bite. [an ER doctor in Los Angeles once informed me of my deadly allergy to spiders but was unable to discover what kind of spiders. of course. great. 9 years later i am terrified of any and all spiders because if bit, there is a possibility of blowing up like the elephant girl and imminent death following shortly thereafter. stupid ER doctors that save people’s lives.]

2. demons in my attic. [it’s quite possible that i have watched Paranormal Activity one too many times. my current abode has a very small, white, wooden attic door in the ceiling of my hallway. sometimes i just stand under it and stare. if you look at anything long enough you start to see things move. come on over and try it. if you read this paragraph in a trance-like monotone voice you’ll know what i mean.]

3. disappointing my parents. [i was a good only child. played nice, made straight A’s, and loved my parents unconditionally. i’m sure i also had moments of being an obnoxious little shit but whatever. so now, as a full fledged 30-something adult, i find it odd that when something goes awry in life my first thought is still “crap, what are my parents going to think?” and the worst part of it is, i logically know that at this point they probably wouldn’t even care.]

4. turning into my mother. [i love my mom. unequivocally with my whole heart forever and ever adore my mother. that said, just like every other female alive on this planet, i do not want to be her, act like her, or resemble her in any fashion. irrational, because we are all unique human beings who simply share a few genes and behavioral similarities with our parents. i logically know my mother and i are two very different people and yet…the terror. i am sure she feels the EXACT same way about grandma.]

5. getting into a physical fight. [we are all well aware of my fear of confrontation which confirms this isn’t going to be happening anytime soon and yet, it makes me nervous. maybe i’ll suddenly develop a Tourette’s-like syndrome and with very little warning take a swing at someone who i find mildly annoying hence starting the fist fight i have strategically avoided my entire life. so scary.]

6. bad karma. [i am not the luckiest person you’ll ever meet. i am not the unluckiest person you’ll ever meet. but i do think there is something to this whole karma thing and i am constantly trying to assess whether mine is bad or good. i often fear the worst and wonder if i am fighting an uphill battle. thank god i’ll never know for sure, so i keep on trucking.]

7. being attacked by a dog that i love. [this actually happened to me so i know where this fear comes from and i guess it’s logical. however, i love dogs, am good friends with about 20 of them, and am totally aware that my “dog attack” incident was a one-time freak thing that will most likely never happen again. if you love a dog and they are a sane, healthy, balanced animal nothing is ever going to happen. but still ~ i want Caesar Milan to move in with me asap.]

8. falling out of a roller coaster. [the reason this one is completely ridiculous is because i am also obsessively in love with roller coasters. the scarier the better. so to summarize: i spend 2 hours waiting in line for this new-fangled thrill ride filled with anticipation, joy, and excitement…only to find myself squished between 2 teenagers at the top of a large hill strapped into a coaster convinced i am going to fall out and tumble to my death and clearly wondering who put me up to this.]

9. becoming obese. [i am fearful of this like it’s something that could just “happen” to me. as if it’s possible for me to gain 100 pounds while i am sleeping or during that lull when my brain sort of shuts off and goes on autopilot while driving. that’s right Dr. Oz. i left the West side a size 6 and by the time i arrived in Silverlake i was a size 22. mmm hmm.]

10. being fired. [um…i work for myself.  unless i suddenly wake up as Sybil or Trump and fire myself, i can’t imagine a scenario where this could happen. ridiculous and irrational i am indeed.]

test the water.

September 14, 2011

10 Things we Dread until we Do Them:

1. working out. [nobody looks forward to this except those crazy trainers who totally have a screw loose and probably don’t even sleep. but you know…once you’re about halfway through that exhausting, sweaty torture invigoration sets in. endorphins are pretty neat-o.]

2. conquering a phobia. [i have witnessed this firsthand and it’s awesome as hell to watch. my ex had a huge fear of heights and walked across a rickety bridge that was about 200 feet above a rocky and jagged river. the look on his face after conquering that bridge is permanently etched in my memory to this day.]

3. childbirth. [i have yet to meet a girl friend who felt pure excitement and anticipation at the thought of pushing a cantaloupe out of her lower region. i have yet to meet a guy friend who felt ready and financially secure and just couldn’t wait for his bundle of joy to hurry up already. okay, well maybe towards the very end but those last 2 weeks are my only exception.]

4. taking a risk. [doing something against your nature…moving to a town where you don’t know anyone…changing jobs without any experience…letting your heart go and leaping into a relationship. you can’t know unless you risk it and i’ll bet that whatever the outcome there’s no regrets baby; no regrets.]

5. throwing up. [it all starts with that creeping heat that slowly flushes into your cheeks and spreads to your neck and forehead. then, the sweats. next your throat feels like it’s got a Boa constrictor or a wrestler attached and you just know it’s got to happen. the bliss of feeling normal and healthy and empty afterwards can’t be beat.]

6. marriage. [okay i’ll admit not everybody fears their wedding day, but i know a few who did. then they had their beautiful moment on a beach or on a mountain or in a church or in an Arby’s. once your whole family is sitting staring at you and crying and murmuring romantic coos while solemn life promises are being made, i believe you could consider the dread a distant memory.]

7. buying a house. [i have no personal experience, but i hear that some serious trepidation is involved with this event. pounds of paperwork, pushy realtors, confusing brokers, and pretty much the scariest, biggest purchase of your life. then you are sitting on your front porch with a beer and a book and don’t remember any of it. kind of like number 3.]

8. confrontation. [not necessarily angry, crazy, hair-pulling kind of showdowns; just confrontation in general. when i step up and tell someone what i really think, i feel my gut sigh with relief and delight that i did it.]

9. night swimming. [the inspiration for this list tonight. the colder it gets outside the harder it is to jump in, but trust is key. trust that you’ll hit that water, freeze for a nanosecond and then feel the best you’ve felt all week. now the real difficult part is getting out.]

10. saying i love you. [so scary. will they say it back? are you even sure? will it change anything by saying it out loud? and then the deed is done and however it’s received you’re sure it was a moment that was always meant to be.]