truth or dare.

July 30, 2017

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10 truths we all Know but don’t want to Admit:

Truth #1: Pinocchio. [we aren’t that good at lying. but people pretend right along with us. and then sometimes ~ if they know us well ~ they’re playing along to get us to admit to the lie. or sometimes we all play the game together with silent understanding. do we think this makes life easier or more challenging? whatever the reason, it’s true.]

Truth #2: Fantasy Island. [the story in our head never turns out to be reality. i envision every important scenario in my life and how it will most likely turn out. this takes great over-thinking. careful attempts to be unbiased and get the most logical possible picture. not once has this vision been even remotely accurate. i’m even terrible at predicting winners of the Bachelor. clearly, this is not my forte. but we all do this, it’s true.]

Truth #3: Show & Tell. [no one wants to see all of our photos. we know it and yet it’s such a strong need to show, show, show! and even when our friend or loved one looks like they are positively watching paint dry, we keep on showing. it’s an addiction ~ a moving train that’s going way too fast to ditch. and don’t get me started on our playlists. you know, it’s true.]

Truth #4: Hide & Seek. [we all live with at least one shame from childhood. there’s certainly traumatic options here, but even smaller less damaging experiences are hard to admit. peer pressure to do something not so wonderful, family crap, a less than attractive show of weakness, or just a really awkward phase… we all got ’em. it’s so easy to hide but it’s true.]

Truth #5: Mirror, Mirror. [if the same thing keeps happening to you, you are the common denominator. the world does not revolve around you. you are not the center of the universe. however, if your head keeps slamming up against the same brick wall – same fight, same girl, same guy, same problem – we all know that the universe has a lesson made just for you. pay attention and enjoy the spotlight for a moment because it’ll pass once you realize it’s true.]

Truth #6: Scaredy Cat. [we all fight fear an inordinate amount of the time. whether it’s death or the person next door who doesn’t look like you or the doctor or being vulnerable or feeling responsible or being accepted or cancer or war or walking alone in the dark. i despise fear and i fear people’s fear. a personal conundrum but it’s true.]

Truth #7: Swim Fan. [we all have obsessions and/or addictions. i believe it’s a human thing as we work it all out in this life. maybe it’s okay to obsess about at least one thing. it’s probably the thing we are best at. or… we will be eventually. or…we’ll be admitted to Passages Malibu but things will always get better. it’s true.]

Truth #8: Secret Agent. [you never really know a person. we all walk around with our friends and our siblings and our co-workers and our husbands and our children and we spend 100% of our time acting like we know these crazies. like because we’ve spent hours talking with them and sleeping with them and feeding them that we know them like no one else does. that is some delusional shit and incredible because it’s true.]

Truth #9: Fire Starter. [we have horrible thoughts sometimes. this one is really tough to admit. nobody wants to judge themselves at a core level of humanity, including me. but i admit, my thoughts have wandered down a dark path now and again. i figure all i can do is work on facing it and appreciate that i haven’t actually acted on any of those thoughts. it’s fucking hard being a good person, it’s true.]

Truth #10: Sleeping Beauty. [at times, we fake sleeping. everybody always talks about women faking all kinds of shit but what about the sleeping? we have all had a moment where we didn’t want the person coming to bed to know we were awake – for so many various reasons. and we all secretly also know that they know that we ain’t sleeping. let’s all keep doing it anyway just because it’s true.]

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tell me about it Martha.

September 17, 2014

a_vineyard dock

10 lessons one can only learn on Martha’s Vineyard:

1. paddle ’til it hurts. [if you desire intense arm soreness mixed with the most peaceful solitude possible, get your butt in a kayak.]

2. rise and shine. [if you wake up early and walk straight onto the sand, the rest of your day will fall perfectly into place.]

3. hike it out. [if you wander through the woods with an open heart you will definitely run into an animal. like a cow or a peacock.]

4. enjoy the missions. [if you take an early drive for things like fresh eggs or home-baked pies, expect to have to do it a few times until you get it right.]

5. snap away. [if you want beautiful photos realize that every sunset here is different. take pictures every day, all day.]

6. converse. [if you want to safely get into a hammock in the dark after you’ve had a few drinks, just talk to it. gently.]

7. just ask. [if you want the best bagel you’ve ever tasted, ask your Aunt Stacy to make it from scratch.]

8. exercise the brain. [if you want to really test your Swiss cheese memory make sure to drive past places you last visited 15 years ago while completely high.]

9. make friends. [if you love dogs, give them cheerios and tummy rubs. and car rides. and walks on the beach. and cheerios.]

10. just book it. [if you want to sleep like a baby, smile like you’ve lost it, and embrace peace and joy like you mean it, don’t think ~ just go.]

let me count the ways.

March 22, 2013

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10 of my favorite people and why:

1. the way he makes me feel like i have the brother i always wanted…without the punching and the crying.

2. the way she texts me in the middle of the day at random to tell me how much she misses me.

3. the way he makes me love being a kid again while feeling protected…since the day i was born.

4. the way she always understands my thoughts completely…especially when i express them to her in the exact way they first formed in my own brain.

5. the way he makes me laugh so hard my sides feel like they’re going to rip apart and the more it hurts, the more i crave it.

6. the way her voicemail messages give me the best laugh on the worst days.

7. the way he’s always willing to listen to me, even about the same shit over and over again….and over again.

8. the way her energy calms me naturally and makes me want to stay all night.

9. the way he always makes me feel like a girl…especially during karaoke.

10. the way she saves her advice for the problems that really matter…and knows instinctively which ones those are.

what’s New?

January 8, 2012

9 New Year’s Resolutions i refuse to Make:

1. spend more time with family & friends. [the better half of my Sundays is spent trying to figure out which friends i can see that week. you’d think i was juggling an emergency room shift schedule. if you can read those last 2 sentences and realize i am not trying to be obnoxious in any way, you get me. i like people, i like hanging out with them, and i like making time for everyone. i think my New Year’s resolution should be to spend more time with my cactus garden.]

2. quit smoking. [now i know what you’re thinking; this would be a really good resolution. what could she possibly have to say to oppose this idea? cause i already quit in October! ha. now don’t you feel silly.]

3. quit drinking. [sorry this is never going to happen. unless a doctor tells me i have to. then okay, no biggy. but i really like a glass of wine with dinner. i also enjoy a cocktail after an especially long day of work. i’d rather jump off a roof than give up every vice i’ve ever had. please see #2 and congratulate me whenever you want.]

4. get organized. [i have a real affinity for my clutter. there are parts of my home and car that are organized and clean and parts that NEVER will be. unless i wind up living with someone who does it for me. and i have come to love these messy parts of me and my environment just as much as the super clean ones. is a tombstone with “she was super organized” really my ultimate goal anyway?]

5. save more money. [i think about it and attempt to get better at it all the time just like the rest of the world. however, i do not feel this should be a resolution because it implies me doing less fun things and possibly working more; neither of which i should be doing at all. ever.]

6. exercise more. [i am a creature of phases. sometimes i feel like doing healthy things that make me feel better and sometimes i just don’t. for instance, i am currently in a “working out like crazy” phase. this began about 2 weeks ago and has absolutely nothing to do with the New Year. i don’t believe i could realistically force myself in or out of these phases no matter how hard i try. i’ll admit i am not a creature of willpower.]

7. tell that special someone how you really feel. [fuck that. not necessary and i’d rather just go about my life with everyone living in ignorance and oblivion than deal with any sort of rejection or heartbreak or feeling anything bad at all. am i talking? what?]

8. see the good in people. [there are some real assholes out there that could seriously use this resolution but i already give people way too much credit. if anything, i should try and have more of a guard up and stop being so honest and forgiving…but that doesn’t seem like a very positive “New Year’s Resolution” so forget the whole thing.]

9. make a list of New Year’s resolutions. [much like the concept of Valentine’s Day, i get it and i understand why other people do it, but it’s just not for me. even with my irrational love for lists, i’d rather spend the hour it would take to come up with a list of resolutions doing something productive that i haven’t had a chance to do in a while. or just go here for 5 minutes while i’m bored at work: http://www.moninavelarde.com/newyears/]

1 New Year’s Resolution i will Make:

1. enjoy my time alone and keep learning to love it. [i plan on spending as much of 2012 dancing, laughing, playing music, reading, watching bad movies, watching good movies, watching bad tv, watching good tv, sleeping, being ridiculous, and creating. all in the comfort of my home. all by myself. and loving it.]

On the Fence.

October 3, 2011

10 Holidays I both Hate and Love:

1. Valentine’s Day. [they made an awful movie about it so i am sure it’s not just me. i love that there is a day that celebrates love. i hate that this creates an insane amount of pressure for couples to make sure they eat well, give a gift, and have sex one random day in February.]

2. my birthday. [so far so good with the not-caring-about-getting-older part; that’s not it. i hate that every year i feel the need to gather everyone i even remotely like and ask them to do something for ME. i love that every year i get to see everyone i even remotely like all in one place.]

3. Thanksgiving. [there is so much to love about this holiday. the food, the family, the meaning behind it, the season change (if you are on the East Coast that is). then there’s the weight gain, the family bickering/arguing/almost killing each other, the way we give thanks for an hour at dinner when we should be doing it all the time, the lack of season change (if you are on the West Coast). a real mixed bag.]

4. Independence Day. [i think fireworks are so cool. kids and adults gather as if aliens are landing and even when they’re wimpy fireworks they’re still pretty awesome. i hate this day because the beaches and firework areas are so crowded you can never find parking and trash is everywhere and it’s just kind of a hassle of a day. now that i am writing this i think my issue is with overpopulation and not the holiday so let’s skip it.]

5. Halloween. [i love it because of the kids. what an incredible day when you are 10…running around your neighborhood like a crazy hoodlum in the middle of the night, pretending you are a terrifying monster or a character on TV that you admire, eating candy until you reach that tingly and flushed sick feeling. as an adult however, i don’t need the candy, i don’t understand purchasing an expensive costume that i’ll wear once, i don’t like the effort and all of it seems…well…dumb.]

6. April Fools. [i love this holiday because it’s good for the soul to laugh hard with people and play jokes and be ridiculous sometimes. we all need to lighten up. then there’s the fact that i hate it when people fool me and make me feel stupid. i’m way too sensitive.]

7. Groundhog Day. [i love this holiday because the groundhog is a pretty interesting animal that needs appreciation. that and i can’t help but admire a quirky little tradition that’s stuck around for so long. i hate it because every year i hope to wake up at 6am to Sonny and Cher on the radio and experience a Bill Murray version of Groundhog Day. quite disappointing that this unlikely to ever happen.]

8. New Year’s Eve. [love, love, love the champagne and the fresh start and the hugs and kisses and joy all around. not too big a fan of the drunk driving and general mayhem that every big city endures during this holiday. i guess if you are having a house party this year i’d like to be invited and i’ll be sleeping on your couch please.]

9. Easter. [little ones hunting for pastel candied eggs and dressing up all clean and cute is certainly fun and a day that i can’t be too critical of. then again, we are the only country with an obesity epidemic and it’s the 2nd holiday on this very short list that entails stuffing our children with candy.]

10. Festivus. [for the rest of us! i love the idea of a holiday where we tell our family about how they’ve disappointed us this year and then celebrate around an aluminum pole. the Feats of Strength are pretty nifty too, even if i’d never be able to beat my dad in a wrestling match. the thing i hate about this holiday is that it doesn’t actually exist. i’m gonna start a Festivus revolution.]

Sleep on it.

September 19, 2011

10 People You Should Never Sleep With:

1. the boss. [late nights with dim lighting, a serious lack of sleep, and a deadline may lend itself to a personal feel but none of it’s reality. the next day, you still get paid by this person so even if it was just for a night, you basically took on a second profession.]

2. the coworker. [the morning walk of shame can only get more shameful when the two of you are walking to the same building. bet you at least one person in the office notices yesterday’s clothing and now the can of worms is officially wide open.]

3. the best friend. [thank god my current best friends are all female and i am not a lesbian. there is a lot to be said for marrying your best friend, but i think that means you form that bond after or during the romance; not before.]

4. the family. [even though i was raised in the South, i don’t mean this in the “toothless siblings” way. yet, i have a gut feeling sex with your second-cousin-through-marriage still stirs up some trouble when Thanksgiving rolls around.]

5. the bartender. [i don’t actually think there’s anything wrong with the bartenders themselves, but those of us on the receiving end of the drinks may not always be in our best decision-making state by the time we’re stumbling our way to their apartment.]

6. the celebrity. [yes, they are human just like the rest of us…but not really. they travel 335 days out of the year, spend most of their time with other famous people, and are more than likely to be the most narcissistic people you’ll ever meet. i love the exceptions to this rule though. you go Mrs. Damon.]

7. the musician. [let’s face it; they meet about 300 hot people every day who want to have sex with them and eventually they are bound to start seeing a blurred array of faces more than individuals. better to dream about the musician while sleeping with the graphic designer.]

8. the model. [this is simple: they’ve been beautiful their whole lives and therefore have never had to work hard at something as artful as intimacy. if you want a night not to remember okie dokie.]

9. the bad ex. [it didn’t work the first time and i don’t know anyone who just “forgets” all of the emotions that come with a breakup. they’re still bad for you, they still have all the annoying habits they had 2 years ago, it still won’t go anywhere, so let’s move on already.]

10. the teacher. [i am a sucker for authority figures and would definitely have trouble keeping my pants on in a hostage situation. but at the end of the day, bartering for a grade or freedom is no way to start a relationship.]