CK One.

August 22, 2014

mic1_CK

10 insightful & laughable Louis C.K. quotes:

1. People say, “My phone sucks.” No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone. [of course i’ve had moments where frustration with my cell phone got the best of me. but hearing this CK quote makes me laugh out loud. i’m so dumb. we’re all so dumb. i mean really – let’s all spend a minute (if you’re over 28 years old) doing a sense memory recall of our lives before these wondrous devices. and go.]

2. As humans, we waste the shit out of our words. It’s sad. We use words like “awesome” and “wonderful” like they’re candy. It was awesome? Really? It inspired awe? It was wonderful? Are you serious? It was full of wonder? You use the word “amazing” to describe a goddamn sandwich at Wendy’s. What’s going to happen on your wedding day, or when your first child is born? How will you describe it? You already wasted “amazing” on a fucking sandwich. [that’s a fucking epic statement Louis. epic.]

3. It’s like when you’re talking to a girl at a bar because you’re attracted to her, the first thing you say is always gonna be dog shit. The most honest thing you could say to her is ‘I wanna fuck your face.’ That’s the most honest thing you could say. [am i the only girl on the face of this planet that wants to hear the truth? just for a second. then definitely shut it down. but one second into the mind of what a male is really thinking when he’s hitting on me would be kind of amazing. see how i did that?]

4. A man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he’ll leave you as a human being intact. He won’t fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent, but they will shit inside of your heart. [my guy friends sometimes talk about that “crazy ex who ripped out their heart and then hammered nails into it and then tied it to the back of a pickup truck and dragged it 10 miles. who ARE these crazy bitches and why are they ruining it for the rest of us?]

5. When you first get married, you have a relationship that’s so important to you, and you’re working on it together. But then you have a kid. And you look at your kid and you go, “Holy shit, this is my child. She has my DNA. She has my name. I would die for her.” And you look at your spouse and go, “Who the fuck are you? You’re a stranger.” [ha. we feel so connected to someone that we decide to create a whole new human being with them and then it leads to…this. can’t wait.]

6. When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don’t let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else. [that’s it.]

7. Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce … That would be sad. If two people were married and they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times. [unbelievable as it may seem, 4 years after my separation i am still waiting for my divorce papers. there’s a bottle of Dom and some foi gras in the fridge just sitting there being saved for this momentous opening of the mail. does this mean i didn’t love my ex-husband? no. it means divorce is good news and we are going to celebrate. don’t DM me to discuss.]

8. Everything that’s difficult you should be able to laugh about. [you just stepped in dog shit – ok that’s clearly laughable. you just lost your job – ok maybe more difficult to laugh right away. but you and i both know that as soon as that better dream job rolls in you’ll be cracking up over drinks with your friends and talking about how it all worked out in the end. i’m going to embrace the laughter right now.]

9. Life’s too short to be an asshole, as an employer or as an employee. [what is with the assholes? can’t they grasp the notion that kindness can not only result in getting exactly what you want, but can also change someone’s day or life or heart forever? stupid, stupid assholes.]

10. I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish – that’s what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff. [i have a disease. it’s a disease of needing to know. it makes me extremely happy that i now know that Louis CK has the same disease. we should be pen pals. then i’d know all is right with the world and i’d be content in my knowing that he knows exactly what i mean.]

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