truth or dare.

July 30, 2017

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10 truths we all Know but don’t want to Admit:

Truth #1: Pinocchio. [we aren’t that good at lying. but people pretend right along with us. and then sometimes ~ if they know us well ~ they’re playing along to get us to admit to the lie. or sometimes we all play the game together with silent understanding. do we think this makes life easier or more challenging? whatever the reason, it’s true.]

Truth #2: Fantasy Island. [the story in our head never turns out to be reality. i envision every important scenario in my life and how it will most likely turn out. this takes great over-thinking. careful attempts to be unbiased and get the most logical possible picture. not once has this vision been even remotely accurate. i’m even terrible at predicting winners of the Bachelor. clearly, this is not my forte. but we all do this, it’s true.]

Truth #3: Show & Tell. [no one wants to see all of our photos. we know it and yet it’s such a strong need to show, show, show! and even when our friend or loved one looks like they are positively watching paint dry, we keep on showing. it’s an addiction ~ a moving train that’s going way too fast to ditch. and don’t get me started on our playlists. you know, it’s true.]

Truth #4: Hide & Seek. [we all live with at least one shame from childhood. there’s certainly traumatic options here, but even smaller less damaging experiences are hard to admit. peer pressure to do something not so wonderful, family crap, a less than attractive show of weakness, or just a really awkward phase… we all got ’em. it’s so easy to hide but it’s true.]

Truth #5: Mirror, Mirror. [if the same thing keeps happening to you, you are the common denominator. the world does not revolve around you. you are not the center of the universe. however, if your head keeps slamming up against the same brick wall – same fight, same girl, same guy, same problem – we all know that the universe has a lesson made just for you. pay attention and enjoy the spotlight for a moment because it’ll pass once you realize it’s true.]

Truth #6: Scaredy Cat. [we all fight fear an inordinate amount of the time. whether it’s death or the person next door who doesn’t look like you or the doctor or being vulnerable or feeling responsible or being accepted or cancer or war or walking alone in the dark. i despise fear and i fear people’s fear. a personal conundrum but it’s true.]

Truth #7: Swim Fan. [we all have obsessions and/or addictions. i believe it’s a human thing as we work it all out in this life. maybe it’s okay to obsess about at least one thing. it’s probably the thing we are best at. or… we will be eventually. or…we’ll be admitted to Passages Malibu but things will always get better. it’s true.]

Truth #8: Secret Agent. [you never really know a person. we all walk around with our friends and our siblings and our co-workers and our husbands and our children and we spend 100% of our time acting like we know these crazies. like because we’ve spent hours talking with them and sleeping with them and feeding them that we know them like no one else does. that is some delusional shit and incredible because it’s true.]

Truth #9: Fire Starter. [we have horrible thoughts sometimes. this one is really tough to admit. nobody wants to judge themselves at a core level of humanity, including me. but i admit, my thoughts have wandered down a dark path now and again. i figure all i can do is work on facing it and appreciate that i haven’t actually acted on any of those thoughts. it’s fucking hard being a good person, it’s true.]

Truth #10: Sleeping Beauty. [at times, we fake sleeping. everybody always talks about women faking all kinds of shit but what about the sleeping? we have all had a moment where we didn’t want the person coming to bed to know we were awake – for so many various reasons. and we all secretly also know that they know that we ain’t sleeping. let’s all keep doing it anyway just because it’s true.]

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character exercise.

August 2, 2014

workout shoes

10 characters you might see at the gym:

1. the creeper. he stands directly behind you in every class.

favorite quote: “Nice yoga pants. Have I seen you here before?” / favorite workout song: Jason Derulo – Talk Dirty. 

2. the really old lady. she’s better at spin than you are.

favorite quote: “I’m going to die sitting on this bike right in the middle of class. hope you’re sick that day.” / favorite workout song: Florence + The Machine – Dog Days are Over.

3. the stuck up buff gay guy. he doesn’t speak to you, probably because of your choice of workout attire.

favorite quote: “I really love the locker rooms here.” / favorite workout song: Iggy Azalea – I’m So Fancy. 

4. the guy who won’t shut up. he just keeps yapping.

favorite quote: “I’m Fred and I’ve worked out here for 11 years and I love this instructor, do you love this instructor? and I have to work out hard today because I ate a huge steak last night with my son, did you know I have a single son?” / favorite workout song: R.E.M. – It’s the End of the World.

5. the amazing, very pregnant one. she’s 8 months in, kicking ass, and takin’ names.

favorite quote: “Do you think I can still do TRX classes or is that too much for my 3rd trimester?” / favorite workout song: Apparat – Hailin From the Edge. 

6. the silent yogi. little bit of a hipster with a tiny ponytail on top of his head. mean handstand.

favorite quote: “______” / favorite workout song: Joshua Radin – Brand New Day.

7. the motivator. the incredibly hot, hot, hot teacher.

favorite quote: “Let’s go people. 4 more sets. NO I’m NOT KIDDING. Go.” / favorite workout song: DJ Snake & Lil Jon – Turn Down for What. 

8. the faker. you never see them doing anything except standing around talking.

favorite quote: “You want to head to the juice bar to chat and take a break?” / favorite workout song: Icone Pop – I Don’t Care, I Love It.

9. me. see archived posts for more info.

favorite quote: “yes my gym is exorbitantly overpriced but money motivates me.” / favorite workout song: Timbaland & JT – Carry Out. 

10. the Biggest Winner. they need to lose over 100 pounds and are an inspiration to us all.

favorite quote: “I just wanted you to know that you are really strong and good at this class and I like standing by you. So thanks.” / favorite workout song: American Authors – Best Day of My Life.

let me count the ways.

March 22, 2013

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10 of my favorite people and why:

1. the way he makes me feel like i have the brother i always wanted…without the punching and the crying.

2. the way she texts me in the middle of the day at random to tell me how much she misses me.

3. the way he makes me love being a kid again while feeling protected…since the day i was born.

4. the way she always understands my thoughts completely…especially when i express them to her in the exact way they first formed in my own brain.

5. the way he makes me laugh so hard my sides feel like they’re going to rip apart and the more it hurts, the more i crave it.

6. the way her voicemail messages give me the best laugh on the worst days.

7. the way he’s always willing to listen to me, even about the same shit over and over again….and over again.

8. the way her energy calms me naturally and makes me want to stay all night.

9. the way he always makes me feel like a girl…especially during karaoke.

10. the way she saves her advice for the problems that really matter…and knows instinctively which ones those are.

a tweet & a smile.

May 4, 2012

10 people on Twitter that fill my life with laughter:

[plus 2 examples each to give you a good idea why]

sfsfs

1. Jordan Morris. [@Jordan_Morris]

I can’t decide if I want to spend the day trying to re-connect with my dad or learning more about DigGorno Dipping Strips on Facebook.

Apparently not everyone likes hearing you had a sex dream about them. I guess they’d rather finish taking pictures with kids at Disneyland.

2. Jocelyn Plums. [@FilthyRichmond]

I never read to my kids or help them with homework so they’ll be better prepared to live in a world full of dumb fucks.

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

3. Gary Janetti. [@GaryJanetti]

“EVERYBODY was there and Jesus looked amazing, but the best part… I met somebody!!”  ~Jesus’ gay friend

If you are beautiful on the inside I get so frustrated because I can’t see that.

4. Tim Siedell. [@badbanana]

My chair made a weird noise when I scooted away from the table and now I’ve been booked as the musical guest on SNL.

Wonder how many novels Stephen King wrote this morning.

5. Matthew Baldwin. [@matthewbaldwin]

I like my women like I like my attention deficit disorder is getting worse I think. [credit to Dooce ~ thanks!]

Uggh, last night is a blur of drinking and smoking and sex. I need to settle down–three Mad Men episodes in a row is just too many.

6. Mike Drucker. [@MikeDrucker]

As she sat down, the lady on the plane next to me gave a disappointed sigh. Haha, I’m not handsome and I’m 100% going to fall asleep on you.

After the Titanic sank, rich people got their revenge by spending the last hundred years melting all the icebergs.

7. Lauren Ashley Bishop. [@sbellelauren]

so tired i’m just gonna put everything in the same bowl & eat it together this morning omelet meet vodka

at subway i always say give me a 6 inch IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN yeah that face you’re making that’s the one they always make too

8. Zackary Ross. [@Zackblows]

Just spilled sushi & Starbucks all over my Jetta & now my car reeks of being Caucasian.

It’s really hard seeing your ex with someone else & knowing you’re gonna have to find a way down from that tree before they catch you spying.

9. Kelly Moranis. [@MmeSurly]

Steve Martin invented parkour in the movie Roxanne.

“Oh, you ate the whole thing?” he asked, incredulous, as every chance he had at getting laid tonight fluttered out the open window.

10. Avery Edison. [@aedison]

It’s gonna be so weird when I tell my kids about selecting CDs by hand and they’ll be like “what’s a hand”?

How many scleroses did the scientists count before they were like “fuck it, let’s just go with ‘multiple’?


i can explain.

April 13, 2012

10 things we Rationalize:

1. addictions. [inner voice: we all need a vice. no one is perfect. there is a sadness felt for those who strive for the unattainable in life which we all know is a ruse. it’s just a cigarette. it’s just eating chalk. reality: that’s all you got? put the cancer stick down you crazy addict.]

2. things we don’t like about ourselves. [inner voice: this is just my personality. when you look at my parents, i actually turned out pretty great. i could have been real fucked up, but instead i have a few character flaws that drive a couple of people to tears. you can’t please everyone. reality: if i’m talking about it this much, i probably need to fix it.]

3. why they broke up with us. [inner voice: i know that it’s meant to be. i should feel lucky that she let me off the hook so early ~ before we got married and had kids and a mortgage and were really screwed. she never really appreciated me for who i am and it’s time for me to find someone who can and will. reality: you were ridiculously unhappy, had started sounding like a condescending parent while fighting, and it was over a long, long time ago.]

4. little white lies. [inner voice: what difference does it make in the long run? ignorance is bliss after all. will that fib i told about how much pizza i ate last week haunt me when i am on my deathbed? no. reality: why lie about anything? i am just deceiving myself more than anyone and since these are lies about nothing, that’s even weirder.]

5. toxic friends. [inner voice: i swear i can explain this. even the most toxic of friends teach me something every day. patience, that all people have flaws, the general human condition…it all has meaning and it’s important to see the bigger picture. don’t you dare think that i am lazy or avoiding confrontation or taking the easy way out. reality: you are lazy and avoiding confrontation and taking the easiest way out ever.]

6. buying things we don’t need. [inner voice: i work hard for my money. i am an adult and can make my own decisions about my priorities, material and non-material. who’s to say that an expensive emulsifier doesn’t make a person’s life more fulfilled? you? i need it. reality: if i want it, i should buy it. however, i am not allowed to complain to my friends about being broke next week.]

7. lack of will power. [inner voice: i would never want to blame everything on my parents so i’ll take responsibility for this one. but i do think it has to be a genetic thing. some people just have this natural willpower that i don’t. those people who can make it through the Master Cleanse for more than 5 days. perfect example. reality: your best friend can do the Master Cleanse for more than 10 days but she has been known to eat a pint of ice cream before bed. often. we choose what we care to complete.]

8. fear. [inner voice: when i was 7 i almost drowned in the lake by my house… my aunt died in a plane crash… i can’t think of a direct reason why i’d be afraid of choking but i read this awesome book on past lives… reality: the human brain needs fear to know when something is wrong. it’s not a weakness but a survival skill.]

9. non-personal communication. [inner voice: it seems like i don’t have time for anything anymore. i don’t have time to shower or cook or pet my animals. you see, life has become a sea of crap to do. don’t bother me with talking on the phone. send me a text, shoot me a FB comment, and we’re good. reality: i am now relying on the rapid progression of technology to avoid all human contact because i’ve always wanted to do that.]

10. love for a “bad” movie or book. [inner voice: i refuse to be pseudo-intellectual about everything and everyone. sometimes a little fluff can be a good thing. detune, turn your brain off, and just enjoy. it’s supposed to be “entertainment” after all ~ not studying for your LSATs. reality: if you love Twilight and The Jersey Shore it doesn’t make you a bad person or stupid. just admit it already and let people judge how they may.]

Sleep on it.

September 19, 2011

10 People You Should Never Sleep With:

1. the boss. [late nights with dim lighting, a serious lack of sleep, and a deadline may lend itself to a personal feel but none of it’s reality. the next day, you still get paid by this person so even if it was just for a night, you basically took on a second profession.]

2. the coworker. [the morning walk of shame can only get more shameful when the two of you are walking to the same building. bet you at least one person in the office notices yesterday’s clothing and now the can of worms is officially wide open.]

3. the best friend. [thank god my current best friends are all female and i am not a lesbian. there is a lot to be said for marrying your best friend, but i think that means you form that bond after or during the romance; not before.]

4. the family. [even though i was raised in the South, i don’t mean this in the “toothless siblings” way. yet, i have a gut feeling sex with your second-cousin-through-marriage still stirs up some trouble when Thanksgiving rolls around.]

5. the bartender. [i don’t actually think there’s anything wrong with the bartenders themselves, but those of us on the receiving end of the drinks may not always be in our best decision-making state by the time we’re stumbling our way to their apartment.]

6. the celebrity. [yes, they are human just like the rest of us…but not really. they travel 335 days out of the year, spend most of their time with other famous people, and are more than likely to be the most narcissistic people you’ll ever meet. i love the exceptions to this rule though. you go Mrs. Damon.]

7. the musician. [let’s face it; they meet about 300 hot people every day who want to have sex with them and eventually they are bound to start seeing a blurred array of faces more than individuals. better to dream about the musician while sleeping with the graphic designer.]

8. the model. [this is simple: they’ve been beautiful their whole lives and therefore have never had to work hard at something as artful as intimacy. if you want a night not to remember okie dokie.]

9. the bad ex. [it didn’t work the first time and i don’t know anyone who just “forgets” all of the emotions that come with a breakup. they’re still bad for you, they still have all the annoying habits they had 2 years ago, it still won’t go anywhere, so let’s move on already.]

10. the teacher. [i am a sucker for authority figures and would definitely have trouble keeping my pants on in a hostage situation. but at the end of the day, bartering for a grade or freedom is no way to start a relationship.]

Idiocracy.

August 12, 2011

10 Things Stupid People Say: 

1. “you actually believe in evolution?” [this was said to me by my boss in 1999. i got fired because i couldn’t stop giggling for the rest of my shift.]

2. “my acting career just sort of fell in my lap.” [even if i wasn’t an actress this would offend me. how can any career fall in one’s lap and if it did why the obnoxious reminder to everyone sweating blood trying to make it? jesus.]

3. “Ronald Reagan was the best president ever.” [why do stupid people never remember presidents like Roosevelt or Lincoln? oh right. cause they’re morons.]

4. “my friends love you and told me not to f** this up.” [this doesn’t sound very smart or romantic to me. especially after 4 dates.]

5. “1 second.” [this is more of a stupid thing even smart people say. but whatever you are about to do or say or think, it’s going to take more than 1 second.]

6. “money can’t buy you happiness.” [yeah, yeah i get it. but most of the people i know with money are pretty damn elated. and i bet that stupid person saying it is 100% broke.]

7. “i swear i eat whatever i want and i am just naturally thin.” [said by celebrities and models often. so the rest of us are aliens and the only ones that gain weight after our nightly pint of ice cream? right.]

8. “i never liked him.” [unless the divorce is finalized…uh don’t say this.]

9. “are you having twins?” [assuming said victim is actually pregnant, “yes i’m a whale and no it’s just one gargantuan baby” is the only thing left for the poor mom-to-be to say. so sad.]

10. “is this chicken, what i have, or is this fish? i know it’s tuna, but it says ‘Chicken by the Sea.” [thank you Jessica Simpson. thank you.]