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10 reasons i can’t forget:

1. because you carefully liked me

from a distance, quietly, for a long time

2. because we made each other laugh to the point of pain and insanity

for hours until stomachs ached and eyes were blurry

3. because i was totally unequivocally myself

with a kind of authenticity where a secret door had cracked open

4. because the talking was endless & interesting

full of work, love, family, children, friends, drugs, sex, childhood, movies, repeat

5. because the silence was endless & easy

……

6. because the music was the first thing we ever shared

yours, on a plane

7. because the food was a constant

always shared

8. because the pride for one another

proved we could win at everything

9. because i was being set free

witnessing the beginning of baggage being ripped to shreds

 

 

10. Because i don’t want to

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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the best part.

November 8, 2012

10 things I learned in 1 day after hearing 2 couples fight:

1. my new WeHo walls are thin. [good lord i heard every word of that shit. yes, every word. the “you said you hate me so get the fuck out” and the “if you try and use our baby as a tactic i’ll call your mother.” yeah. every word. hello thin walls of WeHo. i’m Tracy and we’re in it together.]

2. the grass is always greener. [as a person still in search of a great relationship i have to say it was nice to remember that a lot of crap comes with that Holy Grail. even the best of the best relationships have knock down, drag out fights and to be honest, that’s something i’ll enjoy missing for as long as it takes.]

3. you fight better with age. [listening to 2 people under the age of 20 have a fight is both entertaining and enlightening in so many ways. entertaining when you realize you have no idea whose side you’re on and you’re furiously trying to figure that out. enlightening when you realize you used to fight that way many years ago and how awesomely dumb it made you look. thanks kids. many thanks.]

4. a baby doesn’t solve anything. [we all know this to be true anyway. well, maybe those 14 year olds on Teen Mom 17 don’t know, but they can’t spell the word baby so they don’t count. turns out just because you have a 5 week old infant does not mean you won’t scream & stomp & pout like you’re 12. if anything, i think it gave my neighbors a terrifically unhealthy strategic tool to use against each other. i’m not even sure the teen moms would do that.]

5. stop & think. [when you have the privilege of listening to a very long argument from beginning to end, it becomes clear that no one actually stops and thinks in a fight. the next time i am in the middle of one of these throwdowns, you can bet i am going to try remember the guy next door repeating himself over and over again, saying some serious shit that well, you can’t take back. thank God that baby doesn’t understand English yet.]

6. women can be really dumb. [yes she’s a 17 year old hippie. yes, she’s probably not the brightest bulb in the bunch. still, women can be stupid. are you really crying for 2 HOURS about him hanging out with another girl? oy i feel for ya dude. so dumb.]

7. men can be really dumb. [yes, he’s an 18 year old hippie and yes, he thinks he’s God’s gift to all lady hippies that ever existed. still, men can be idiots. did it really take you 2 HOURS to admit that you gave her a massage but you were just getting back at her for hanging out with some guy named Mike? oy i feel for ya sister. so retarded.]

8. everyone hates their parents. [i actually don’t hate my parents at all, but this has to be said because both of these couples brought up how much they hate & feel messed up by their parents about a hundred times. what’s going on here? too much therapy? i really don’t know, but i figured it was worth mentioning.]

9. i’m patient. [5 straight hours of my neighbors fighting ~ with baby in tow ~ and i just laid there and tried to sleep. i didn’t pace. i didn’t put on headphones. i didn’t call anyone to bitch about it. okay fine, i was slightly comatose & recovering from a terrible bout of food poisoning, but i’m still giving myself credit for some patience on this one.]

10. making up is still the best part. [aaahhhh, the golden silence this morning of 2 parents cuddling their infant and making coffee & breakfast. oh the joy of the teenagers walking down my street hand in hand in silence, knowing they’ve made it through some ritualistic test of coupledom. making up is still the best part, and they didn’t even get to the sex yet.]

 

a spark.

June 6, 2012

10 examples of lovely chemistry:

1. The first look. [a glance as you get up to let them pass through your row at the movies. a locked stare that lasts 2 seconds but feels like an eternity in line at your favorite coffee shop. you catch your breath and realize you were holding it for much longer than that first look lasted.]

2. The authority figure. [that personal trainer who you love to complain about but secretly can’t wait to impress with your newfound feats of strength. the tutor that seemed a bit nerdy at first until you realized she was going to save your ass in Statistics. all signs point to: please just tell me what to do.]

3. The first laugh. [the giggle that turns into a belly laugh where you hear their own personal raw sound of joy for the very first time. the second you realize someone else thinks something completely un-pc and just plain wrong can also be hilarious. the momentary thought that you may shoot water out of your nose or start crying and look ridiculous. the instant you don’t give a shit if you do.]

4. The presence felt across a room. [in the midst of a fabulous party, Romeo & Juliet begin to dance. the imagined first time Lloyd Dobler saw Diane Court from across a high school classroom. sometimes, even with people and music and traffic and general mayhem happening in the foreground, someone in the background comes into shining focus.]

5. The common bond. [the dainty girl you sit next to on the train everyday who randomly tells you she’s obsessed with hockey. the delivery guy who overhears you listening to The xx at your desk and mentions 2 similar bands he thinks you might enjoy. i am currently, as we speak, waiting to meet a man who loves Girls and wants to have an entire conversation about it over dinner. it’ll happen.]

6. The shift. [a friend you’ve had for years who’s always been there whenever you really need them. your mom’s best friend’s daughter who you see once every four family gatherings. the neighbor you went to elementary and middle and high school with who never seems to go away. they’re one way forever and then…you cock your head and take another look.]

7. The situational touch. [oops, my arm just brushed yours reaching for the salt. oops, we almost collided going around the same corner and you grabbed my arm to steady me. oops, i sat on your lap to show you something on the computer and that was probably a little much.]

8. The comfortable silence. [sitting side by side in a car with no need to reach for the radio. the satiated smiles across the dinner table where the plates and glasses are empty. that late-night walk where the crickets are making more noise than the two of you.]

9. The save. [in college a classmate pushed my friend down to the ground and covered her with his body as a NYC pothole cover exploded and came hurtling towards them. friends one minute, lovers the next. i don’t need any other examples for this one.]

10. The i have no freaking idea why. [and sometimes…every once in a blue moon, seemingly out of nowhere there’s a tension, a feeling, a mysterious and intangible draw. no answer, no reasoning, no ideas about where it came from…and you’d be the last person to care. all you can do is enjoy the spark.]

pieces.

March 27, 2012

5 body parts i love on me:

1. lower back. 

[that gentle curve of the spine that’s perfectly hollowed right down the center as if this part of me was made with an ice cream scoop]

2. eyes.

s[flecks of orange surround a glassy hazel, lovingly engulfed by the darkest Venus Flytrap of lashes, always blurry in the periphery]

3. hair.

[tones of auburn and sunlight and brown and now bits of grey in a mass of waves that attach themselves to everything]

4. toes.

[long like my fingers giving the illusion i might be tall and lanky, they curl and dance when painted like a Red Delicious]

5. hip bone.

[my fingers’ favorite tracing spot in the morning as i stretch and roll around and imitate my kitty cat before sliding out of the sheets]

fsf

5 body parts i love on him:

1. hip bones.

[so much more naturally defined than mine like two ribbons pulled taught on either side of a soft canvas]

2. top of the shoulders.

[the part that dimples at an arm’s lift, rounds to show off its favorite collar bone, reminding me of how you can lift me so easily]

3. mouth.

[2nd to the eyes, a place of connection and a source of raw emotion, your lips and tongue seek answers and reveal your truth]

4. hands.

[sensitive and inquisitive, broad and rough, marching through tumbles of hair and urgently gripping skin alike]

5. hair.

[soft tufts that impel me to look up to confirm your age, revealing the gentle smell of soap and heat and you]

Arachibutyrophobia

March 14, 2012

10 of my most Irrational & Ridiculous fears:

1. dying by spider bite. [an ER doctor in Los Angeles once informed me of my deadly allergy to spiders but was unable to discover what kind of spiders. of course. great. 9 years later i am terrified of any and all spiders because if bit, there is a possibility of blowing up like the elephant girl and imminent death following shortly thereafter. stupid ER doctors that save people’s lives.]

2. demons in my attic. [it’s quite possible that i have watched Paranormal Activity one too many times. my current abode has a very small, white, wooden attic door in the ceiling of my hallway. sometimes i just stand under it and stare. if you look at anything long enough you start to see things move. come on over and try it. if you read this paragraph in a trance-like monotone voice you’ll know what i mean.]

3. disappointing my parents. [i was a good only child. played nice, made straight A’s, and loved my parents unconditionally. i’m sure i also had moments of being an obnoxious little shit but whatever. so now, as a full fledged 30-something adult, i find it odd that when something goes awry in life my first thought is still “crap, what are my parents going to think?” and the worst part of it is, i logically know that at this point they probably wouldn’t even care.]

4. turning into my mother. [i love my mom. unequivocally with my whole heart forever and ever adore my mother. that said, just like every other female alive on this planet, i do not want to be her, act like her, or resemble her in any fashion. irrational, because we are all unique human beings who simply share a few genes and behavioral similarities with our parents. i logically know my mother and i are two very different people and yet…the terror. i am sure she feels the EXACT same way about grandma.]

5. getting into a physical fight. [we are all well aware of my fear of confrontation which confirms this isn’t going to be happening anytime soon and yet, it makes me nervous. maybe i’ll suddenly develop a Tourette’s-like syndrome and with very little warning take a swing at someone who i find mildly annoying hence starting the fist fight i have strategically avoided my entire life. so scary.]

6. bad karma. [i am not the luckiest person you’ll ever meet. i am not the unluckiest person you’ll ever meet. but i do think there is something to this whole karma thing and i am constantly trying to assess whether mine is bad or good. i often fear the worst and wonder if i am fighting an uphill battle. thank god i’ll never know for sure, so i keep on trucking.]

7. being attacked by a dog that i love. [this actually happened to me so i know where this fear comes from and i guess it’s logical. however, i love dogs, am good friends with about 20 of them, and am totally aware that my “dog attack” incident was a one-time freak thing that will most likely never happen again. if you love a dog and they are a sane, healthy, balanced animal nothing is ever going to happen. but still ~ i want Caesar Milan to move in with me asap.]

8. falling out of a roller coaster. [the reason this one is completely ridiculous is because i am also obsessively in love with roller coasters. the scarier the better. so to summarize: i spend 2 hours waiting in line for this new-fangled thrill ride filled with anticipation, joy, and excitement…only to find myself squished between 2 teenagers at the top of a large hill strapped into a coaster convinced i am going to fall out and tumble to my death and clearly wondering who put me up to this.]

9. becoming obese. [i am fearful of this like it’s something that could just “happen” to me. as if it’s possible for me to gain 100 pounds while i am sleeping or during that lull when my brain sort of shuts off and goes on autopilot while driving. that’s right Dr. Oz. i left the West side a size 6 and by the time i arrived in Silverlake i was a size 22. mmm hmm.]

10. being fired. [um…i work for myself.  unless i suddenly wake up as Sybil or Trump and fire myself, i can’t imagine a scenario where this could happen. ridiculous and irrational i am indeed.]

say no more.

February 17, 2012

f

10 ways to use eCards as a healthy form of expression:

1. how to say “maybe we should break-up.”

2. how to say “i’m really, truly sorry.”

3. how to say “i’ll admit, i’m not exactly perfect.”

4. how to say “congratulations on your engagement.”

5. how to say “i think i like you.”

6. how to say “you’re awesome.”

7. how to say “hope you feel better.”

8. how to say “you can do it.”

9. how to say “congratulations on having a baby.”

10. how to say “i love you.”

from ear to ear.

September 30, 2011

10 Sounds, Smells & Textures that Make me Smile:

1. feet crunching over gravel. [i love novels set in the West. Cormac McCarthy is the most permanent part of my library and New Mexico is the most permanent part of my dreams. the sound of a shoe crunching its way across a gravel driveway reminds me of these places i hold dear to my heart. who the hell removed all the gravel from Los Angeles? stupid people.]

2. soft skin. [one thing i dislike about being single is the lack of someone’s soft skin to run my fingers across whenever i feel the urge. other people’s skin inevitably feels softer to the touch than my own and i always smile at the goosebumps i can create.]

3. garlic and/or shallots sautéing. [throw a little butter in a pan with these finely chopped goodies and the aroma reassures me that i just did something so right. the smell of garlic that lingers on my fingertips for hours after mincing makes the whole thing even sweeter.]

4. matches. [when i was a kid i believed that i was pyromaniac. i loved the sound of that word and the rebellion it brought to mind. much later i realized i just really like the smell of sulfur. c’est la vie to one more disorder i don’t actually have.]

5. snow. [i moved to California to avoid the harsh winters of Boston and New York, but often i miss a few essential winter elements. the powdery touch of clean snow after it’s just fallen. the crunching sound that boots make on freshly packed snow. maybe i just love “crunching” sounds in general.]

6. cigars. [don’t have a clue where this obsession came from but there is something about the smell of a cigar that reminds me of holidays and martinis and autumn. i’ve probably just seen too many movies. or maybe George Burns was my real father.]

7. the perfect ball strike. [when you try your damndest to hit a tiny white ball towards a flag that seems so close yet so far, there is nothing like that distinct snapping sound when your club makes perfect contact. it’s good enough to make people addicted to a sport they always thought was a drab, silly waste of time.]

8. a baby giggling. [there is a 7 minute video somewhere on Facebook of me making my best friend’s baby laugh. you can hear her say in the background “i think he’s gonna win Tra” but honestly, i would never have stopped. ever.]

9. lightening & rain. [on an airplane going home to visit my family, i get excited thinking about the lightening and rain that i am likely to experience in the glass porch of my parents’ home. sitting in the dark, listening to the teasing drizzle or the pounding downpour onto their deck, waiting for random flashes of lightening that allow me to see every boat and slat of the dock below. mmm i just shivered and smiled.]

10. wood burning. [i love taking a walk down a deserted, dimly lit street and breathing in the faint smell of firewood burning in houses unknown. at that moment i will run home, jump in my car, grab a few logs from the local store, and make a fire of my own before the night is over. it’s right around the corner and i am giggling in anticipation.]

test the water.

September 14, 2011

10 Things we Dread until we Do Them:

1. working out. [nobody looks forward to this except those crazy trainers who totally have a screw loose and probably don’t even sleep. but you know…once you’re about halfway through that exhausting, sweaty torture invigoration sets in. endorphins are pretty neat-o.]

2. conquering a phobia. [i have witnessed this firsthand and it’s awesome as hell to watch. my ex had a huge fear of heights and walked across a rickety bridge that was about 200 feet above a rocky and jagged river. the look on his face after conquering that bridge is permanently etched in my memory to this day.]

3. childbirth. [i have yet to meet a girl friend who felt pure excitement and anticipation at the thought of pushing a cantaloupe out of her lower region. i have yet to meet a guy friend who felt ready and financially secure and just couldn’t wait for his bundle of joy to hurry up already. okay, well maybe towards the very end but those last 2 weeks are my only exception.]

4. taking a risk. [doing something against your nature…moving to a town where you don’t know anyone…changing jobs without any experience…letting your heart go and leaping into a relationship. you can’t know unless you risk it and i’ll bet that whatever the outcome there’s no regrets baby; no regrets.]

5. throwing up. [it all starts with that creeping heat that slowly flushes into your cheeks and spreads to your neck and forehead. then, the sweats. next your throat feels like it’s got a Boa constrictor or a wrestler attached and you just know it’s got to happen. the bliss of feeling normal and healthy and empty afterwards can’t be beat.]

6. marriage. [okay i’ll admit not everybody fears their wedding day, but i know a few who did. then they had their beautiful moment on a beach or on a mountain or in a church or in an Arby’s. once your whole family is sitting staring at you and crying and murmuring romantic coos while solemn life promises are being made, i believe you could consider the dread a distant memory.]

7. buying a house. [i have no personal experience, but i hear that some serious trepidation is involved with this event. pounds of paperwork, pushy realtors, confusing brokers, and pretty much the scariest, biggest purchase of your life. then you are sitting on your front porch with a beer and a book and don’t remember any of it. kind of like number 3.]

8. confrontation. [not necessarily angry, crazy, hair-pulling kind of showdowns; just confrontation in general. when i step up and tell someone what i really think, i feel my gut sigh with relief and delight that i did it.]

9. night swimming. [the inspiration for this list tonight. the colder it gets outside the harder it is to jump in, but trust is key. trust that you’ll hit that water, freeze for a nanosecond and then feel the best you’ve felt all week. now the real difficult part is getting out.]

10. saying i love you. [so scary. will they say it back? are you even sure? will it change anything by saying it out loud? and then the deed is done and however it’s received you’re sure it was a moment that was always meant to be.]

Just Breathe.

September 6, 2011

10 Things that Make me Extremely Anxious:

1. fighting with loved ones. [i have anxiety about confrontation. when i find myself in a fight with someone i care about it feels like this may be our last day on Earth and i just want to wrap my arms around them and tell them i love them. instead i spout a bunch of expletives and have regret for days afterward. oops.]

2. fighting with strangers. [i have anxiety about confrontation. at least with strangers i don’t simmer over the feeling for days…but in that moment, the Earth is indeed standing still and i secretly pray for a meteor to smash into us and get it over with.]

3. embarrassing moments on television. [makes my damn skin crawl just thinking about it. you know that moment when some guy leans in for a kiss and the girl turns her cheek at the last second? or when Larry David is digging himself into a hole so deep you want to dive in there with him? yep those. they make me bite my nails and that isn’t a habit of mine.]

4. callbacks. [one might think this is when you feel most confident. they have already expressed how much they like you. you have been chosen out of many to come back and read for producers. for me this is the ultimate moment of anxiety; a ridiculous attempt to replicate exactly what i did earlier mixed with a myriad of notes the casting director gave me after that first read. it becomes a muddled anxious puddle of bad acting; and my grandparents wonder why i don’t book anything.]

5. blind dates. [i doubt i have to go into detail about this. you. reader. if you were on a blind date would you be breezy and light and carefree and engrossing and confident and calm? prove it.]

6. hosting a party. [alright i’ll admit it; this one baffles me. everyone coming to said party is quite close to me and god knows i am not a self professed Martha Stewart so no matter how it turns out it’s bound to be better than everyone expected. the heart racing has got to stop.]

7. lying. [i don’t lie a lot. in fact, i am that girl who is too blunt that says everything she’s thinking when she probably shouldn’t. i swear that’s me. but every once in a while, out of the blue, some circumstance pops up where we all need to lie a little. maybe i’m protecting you, maybe i know something i shouldn’t and it’s none of my business. well when this random occurrence becomes a reality i usually want to throw up. serious fear of “getting caught in a lie” sweeps me away for hours until i’m in bed with a migraine.]

8. throwing up. [i don’t do this. i’ve thrown up 3 times since the age of 19 and they were all dire emergencies where i couldn’t help it. typically, if i feel sick, you’ll find me rocking white knuckled in a chair with my teeth clenched together so hard they might break. you could say throwing up makes me a little anxious.]

9. dentists. [they just hate me. don’t know why, don’t know what kind of memo is circulating, but there is a definite conspiracy here. all i require is a dentist who understands my phobia of throwing up which coincides directly with my phobia of x-rays which should make it profoundly clear to them that all i want is a cleaning. please.]

10. reconnection. [seeing a loved one after several years have gone by gives me sweaty palms like they are going out of style. maybe it’s the fear they’ll think i’m not as cute or interesting as i used to be. maybe it’s the concern that we’ll have nothing to talk about or that our original connection will have vanished. maybe it’s the fact that i have to feel anxious about at least 10 things because i am just that neurotic.]

Pure Envy.

August 26, 2011

10 Things that Make Me Jealous:

1. girls with natural fashion sense. [i don’t think anyone would accuse me of being completely deficient in this arena but there’s a lot of room for improvement. women that know their body type and stay ahead of fashion trends boggle my mind. what school did they go to for this? i know there’s a Hogwarts FIDM somewhere out there that only certain ladies get invited to and i am feeling left out.]

2. not getting invited to something. [i feel plenty loved on a daily basis and trust my friends want me around. i probably don’t even want to go. so…uh…can i come?]

3. comedians. [i think a lot of these people hate themselves but that’s irrelevant. we all love to make people laugh. there’s a residual factor of desiring popularity in grade school and i acquiesce.]

4. dog owners. [if i had the time i’d strut around with a dog twice my size and enjoy every slobbery sweet moment of it. i want doggy. send pictures.]

5. pro golfers. [these guys and gals have it made. they have mastered a sport that’s basically impossible and make millions doing it. they spend all day outside playing golf on stunning courses all over the world and have therapists who assist them with patience and anger management. my parents chose gymnastics over golf lessons when i was 3.]

6. her. [remember that whole unrequited love thing mentioned in my “[sniffle]” post? mmm hmmm. i am not expounding on this no matter how much money you offer. try me. okay 60 grand but no less.]

7. couples just falling in love. [it’s definitely the best part and the reason we endure the agony of dating. i know this is something that will happen to me again ~ possibly more than once ~ but i can still be jealous while on my love hiatus.]

8. girls who just don’t care. [i am starting to think it’s a genetic thing like heavyset women who have ballerina arms. i want to breeze through life knowing everything will turn out fine and dandy while looking lovely the entire time. alternatively, i am just grateful Xanax was invented.]

9. rural dwellers. [ah the simple life. no mad rushes to get somewhere after the 405 was jammed from 2 accidents and a road-rage shootout. no idiotic guys who were born and raised in LA and therefore have the emotional capacity of a 9 year old. homes that one can actually pay off in 30 years. pure envy.]

10. inventors of random things. [since i was about 10 and saw the movie Cocktail i have dreamed of coming up with the next drink umbrella that will allow me to travel the world and never work again. any ideas? promise i won’t tell…]