CK One.

August 22, 2014

mic1_CK

10 insightful & laughable Louis C.K. quotes:

1. People say, “My phone sucks.” No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone. [of course i’ve had moments where frustration with my cell phone got the best of me. but hearing this CK quote makes me laugh out loud. i’m so dumb. we’re all so dumb. i mean really – let’s all spend a minute (if you’re over 28 years old) doing a sense memory recall of our lives before these wondrous devices. and go.]

2. As humans, we waste the shit out of our words. It’s sad. We use words like “awesome” and “wonderful” like they’re candy. It was awesome? Really? It inspired awe? It was wonderful? Are you serious? It was full of wonder? You use the word “amazing” to describe a goddamn sandwich at Wendy’s. What’s going to happen on your wedding day, or when your first child is born? How will you describe it? You already wasted “amazing” on a fucking sandwich. [that’s a fucking epic statement Louis. epic.]

3. It’s like when you’re talking to a girl at a bar because you’re attracted to her, the first thing you say is always gonna be dog shit. The most honest thing you could say to her is ‘I wanna fuck your face.’ That’s the most honest thing you could say. [am i the only girl on the face of this planet that wants to hear the truth? just for a second. then definitely shut it down. but one second into the mind of what a male is really thinking when he’s hitting on me would be kind of amazing. see how i did that?]

4. A man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he’ll leave you as a human being intact. He won’t fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent, but they will shit inside of your heart. [my guy friends sometimes talk about that “crazy ex who ripped out their heart and then hammered nails into it and then tied it to the back of a pickup truck and dragged it 10 miles. who ARE these crazy bitches and why are they ruining it for the rest of us?]

5. When you first get married, you have a relationship that’s so important to you, and you’re working on it together. But then you have a kid. And you look at your kid and you go, “Holy shit, this is my child. She has my DNA. She has my name. I would die for her.” And you look at your spouse and go, “Who the fuck are you? You’re a stranger.” [ha. we feel so connected to someone that we decide to create a whole new human being with them and then it leads to…this. can’t wait.]

6. When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don’t let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else. [that’s it.]

7. Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce … That would be sad. If two people were married and they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times. [unbelievable as it may seem, 4 years after my separation i am still waiting for my divorce papers. there’s a bottle of Dom and some foi gras in the fridge just sitting there being saved for this momentous opening of the mail. does this mean i didn’t love my ex-husband? no. it means divorce is good news and we are going to celebrate. don’t DM me to discuss.]

8. Everything that’s difficult you should be able to laugh about. [you just stepped in dog shit – ok that’s clearly laughable. you just lost your job – ok maybe more difficult to laugh right away. but you and i both know that as soon as that better dream job rolls in you’ll be cracking up over drinks with your friends and talking about how it all worked out in the end. i’m going to embrace the laughter right now.]

9. Life’s too short to be an asshole, as an employer or as an employee. [what is with the assholes? can’t they grasp the notion that kindness can not only result in getting exactly what you want, but can also change someone’s day or life or heart forever? stupid, stupid assholes.]

10. I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish – that’s what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff. [i have a disease. it’s a disease of needing to know. it makes me extremely happy that i now know that Louis CK has the same disease. we should be pen pals. then i’d know all is right with the world and i’d be content in my knowing that he knows exactly what i mean.]

Advertisements

15 seconds.

July 14, 2014

peeking

10 fun celebrity moments in the life of me:

1. Han S. [i’m 18, fresh out of high school and fresh into Manhattan. it’s already cold and a bit blustery for fall. i’m rushed and stressed ~ as usual ~ so i’m dashing down the sidewalk, 2 large textbooks in hand, looking down to prevent major eye tearing and just as i make a sharp turn onto Mercer i slam into a body. this body is large and male and bending down to help scrape me and my schoolbooks off the NYC pavement. it’s Harrison Ford. he smiles and apologizes and looks at me quizzically. he is quite the gentleman. i run.]

2. The Green L. [i’m on another blind date ~ see my previous post if you’d like to know more ~ at a fantastic restaurant that’s one of my favorites in Los Angeles. we have had a drink and some oysters and are finally settling into the Q&A interview session that most blind dates become when the hottest male i’ve ever seen in person sits next to me. it’s Ryan Reynolds. i didn’t even think Ryan Reynolds was attractive before this moment. i was mistaken. this restaurant is small. the tables are touching. this beautiful creature’s arm is touching my arm. i have absolutely no recollection of the rest of my date. poor, poor guy.]

3. Marilyn. [so this guy i once knew once told me and a friend i still know that he was once dating a girl in a show that was once filmed in my hometown and that we should both come down to his bar and hang out with him and this girl. this is in the mid-90s by the way. we went because the girl was Michelle Williams and we were curious. she acted like we were stalkers there to abduct and kill her, she looked so thin we were afraid she’d fall off the barstool, and she was generally…not so nice. huh. years later, Blue Valentine allowed me to forgive her completely.]

4. Johnny C. [i’m sitting in a dark italian restaurant in my then neighborhood of Los Feliz when a crowd of young and boisterous men loudly make their way to the table next to me. they are laughing and attracting a lot of attention. all but one of them. it’s Joaquin Phoenix. this is way before the “year i grew a really long beard and faked going crazy with Casey Affleck.” this is way before Her or The Master – both of which solidified any and all love i have for this man’s talent. yet, i was fascinated by the quiet one with the sunglasses who emanated some sort of alien essence that made you want to walk right up to him and touch. what a weird thing that “x” factor is.]

5. Matlock. [i was a teenager and i was ecstatic to book a scene in a Movie of the Week that was not only a few pages but with the lead actor of the film, Andy Griffith. ecstatic. over the moon. nervous. elated. after 9 hours on set with this drunk old man yelling at me that i didn’t know my lines and line producers and PA’s and a bunch of other amazing grips and such constantly trying to make me understand that he was just wasted and didn’t know his lines and everything was going to be okay and it wasn’t my fault…well, let’s just say i wasn’t surprised that shit hit the cutting room floor like a sack of old potatoes.]

6. M. [there’s nothing like the misery of waitressing in NYC. especially at a 4 star celebrity owned restaurant. but we are not here to talk about the owner ~ i think that would push this post to the dark side. today, we are here to honor the time i served Dame Judi Dench. this is a simple one really. full of grace and style, she may be the most pleasurable customer i ever had. she made my day in a sea of horrible waitressing days. oh yeah, and the tip was great.]

7. Joey. [actual physical smash-into-one-another moment #2. i’m walking casually through a flower market in the cobblestone historic downtown area of my hometown when i turn a corner ~ again with the corners ~ and run smack into Katie Holmes. we mumble apologies, smile at each other, and move on with our respective lives. not without time for me to notice however, that a) this woman is extremely tall and i am extremely short and b) when we smiled at one another our facial expressions were like looking in a mirror. for a split second katie and i both were like…whaaaaa? i do not think i look like Katie Holmes so i don’t know. it was weird and i’m sharing.]

8. Lumbergh. [there’s this fundraiser i attend every year. i always go and i always have a great time, but there was this one year where a friend of mine said there was someone i should meet. next thing i know i’m chatting with Gary Cole for an hour about movie making, raising kids, golf, retirement, and god knows what else. this guy is awesome and YES it was hard to keep myself present in this conversation when all i was thinking was “mmm yeah, that’d be great… it would really, really help us out. mmm yeah.]

9. Rachel. [there’s this place in West Hollywood where you can get a kick-ass margarita, have some hilarious conversations with incredibly cute gay boys, and you used to be able to smoke. this attracted many types of people including myself and my friends in our 20s. and apparently Jennifer Anniston. every Monday like clockwork we sat next to this woman who didn’t wear a lot of makeup, typically had comfy cargos on, and was just an all around genuine sweet person. we drank, we smoked, we laughed, and we so wished she’d step 5 feet closer and join us. oh those Mondays.]

10. The Rage. [i’m 19 and working my second real job ever at the front desk of a small but over-priced gym in SoHo. my best friend has just started working there as well and is also sitting in this front area. my favorite gym member walks in and we greet each other warmly. as always, he asks me how i’m liking the book he lent me and i ask him something similar. he’s smart and cute and quiet and a reader and he’s always really, really nice to me. we’re sort of friends. he walks away to go and get his workout on and my best friend then spends the next hour explaining to me that i’m a total idiot because i don’t even know i’m talking to Zack de la Rocha. i had no idea who he was. no wonder he enjoyed talking to me so much.]

Think Ahead.

August 30, 2011

10 Horrific Names Celebrities Have Given their Children:

1. Blanket. [i have a real love and admiration for MJ, i do. but i am envisioning some sort of Lynus kid with little to no hair sucking his thumb at 40.]

2. Heavenly. [but what if she isn’t so heavenly? what if she turns out to be a raging bitch who isn’t pleasing to the eye either? what happens then?]

3. Bear. [if this child turns out to be gay he’s either going to be the queen of WeHo or a permanent resident in County. he’ll be overjoyed either way.]

4. Sage Moonblood. [if you have an affinity for the Twilight series and dream of your offspring picking up where that legacy left off…be my guest.]

5. Pirate. [what, do i look like a pirate to you? {lips smack} if you can cite this movie quote and your name doesn’t start with a k in nyc i will do something really nice for you. maybe.]

6. Seven. [i actually debate with myself about this. as a Seinfeld connoisseur i believe there is some lovely irony in naming your child a number but then i think what if he’s in math class and the answer to the problem is seven and then the teacher says yes to Seven’s politely raised hand…yes, Seven…you know the answer…uh…seven? so confusing. let’s not make those teachers work harder than they already do. they make $2.75 per hour for goodness sakes.]

7. Diva Thin Muffin. [wait. i can be an over-the-top lunatic of a female who eats muffins all day while worrying about weight the rest of my life cause i’m trying to live up to the dumb ass name my parents gave me at birth? sign me up.]

8. Zuma. [this kid is going to be cool no matter what they call her because her mother Gwen is a rock star and fashion icon. however, i can picture a keg party and 30 drunk teenagers asking her to pass the Zima and giggling ’til they black out.]

9. Hero. [if you plan on setting a building on fire and having your youngster run into it to save some farret or something then okay…let’s do it. he’ll have a story and live up to the name. otherwise i believe this may be creating a tiny winy itsy bitsy little polka dotty psychological complex.]

10. Kyd. [i’ve heard of people naming their pets things like “kitty” and pup” but where’s the imagination? not to mention how we should put this little guy on a playground with 100 other children of all ages and then start yelling his name. thank you David & Téa. truly an awesome sociology experiment.]