a singular sensation

August 22, 2016

alone5

Preface: I have had a very hard time writing blogs posts lately and I couldn’t really figure out why. I have hundreds of drafts; hundreds. Yet, none of them give me that rush of “yes – I need to post this NOW. this is exactly how i feel in this moment.”

I’ve realized tonight that part of this is not spending time being vulnerable anymore. I’ve been strong and confident and independent and present and self-evaluating for months now… and it’s time to just allow myself to be vulnerable again. Whether that comes across as negative or needy or weak… i don’t care. so here it is – what i really want to write – in all its lonely glory. an homage to being single for 6 years, 2 months and a handful of days.

10 thoughts when you are lonely and have been for a very long time:

  1. am I picky or just weird? [so my friends say i’m picky – of course. but i always try to be honest. could it really be that i’m giving off a vibe of… well i don’t know… weird? or too nice or too independent or too comfortable or too happy or too slutty or too prudish or too easy going? i know this is an incredibly pointless exercise. but it’s honest.]
  2. why do the most popular cliche sayings seem so right but are proving to be so wrong? [as soon as you become single people begin to advise. love yourself first… when you aren’t looking for it… keep yourself open… write out everything you want in a partner… let go and focus on other things… be grateful for everything else in your life. yes. i agree. 1000% agree. i’m just mentioning here, that 6 years later i am still quite lonely.]
  3. people just seem so fucked up. [the human race is sucking it up. did something change or do past decades look so much better than they actually were because we don’t ever remember the bad? all i know is, people are shitty. i’m smacking into more narcissists, men with no manners, and fucked up, closed off people than i can count on 3 hands.]
  4. is there a beautiful fun vacation spot for single people? [Hawaii is out. nope, not Palm Springs. Cabo, no sir. has anyone been to Iceland lately? how’s that looking?]
  5. dating apps don’t work for everyone. [my best friend met the love of her life on OK Cupid. i know for a fact these things can work, but i want to make a clear statement that they don’t always work for everyone. that’s all.]
  6. do people feel sorry for me? [Jesus i really hope not. i hope all of my friends and family and exes and co-workers know that i love a lot about being single. i also love who i’ve become as i creep closer and closer to 40. i love how i look and how i behave and who i surround myself with. sometimes, secretly, but not-so-secretly after this post… i think i might just want a relationship so everyone else can relax.]
  7. standard shifting. [as i get older i notice my standards get higher but fewer at the same time. how is this possible? i no longer need anyone to spend a ton of time with me and i feel set in my ways and crave more alone time than ever… but i want someone so right and so good for me that they are nearing damn perfect which is… well ridiculous.]
  8. if i move will that make a difference? [a lot of women who live in LA blame being single on being in LA. all the singles talk about here is the horrible cesspool of dating that we refer to as Los Angeles. i don’t know. will Austin be the answer? will the guys in Boulder want a real woman with real boobs and real sanity? at some point the moving experiment may be inevitable.]
  9. when it gets real obvious. [there are moments where loneliness is more palpable. like when you’re sitting on your couch watching Stranger Things and you realize with elation that this is the best thing you’ve seen on tv in years. and you look around with a huge grin on your face so excited to share this moment… only to quickly remember that you are still quite alone on your couch. the beauty of Hawaii, accomplishing a life goal, getting excited about a show because you are passionate about good film…these are moments to be shared and no one will ever convince me otherwise.]
  10. love is the most important thing ever. [i desperately want to believe this is a myth. i want to feel in my heart and my belly that work and friends and giving back and living a grateful full life is all enough, because that makes sense in my head. but my heart and my belly want to love and nurture and connect and i just can’t seem to shake it.]
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4 Responses to “a singular sensation”

  1. wjmckee83 said

    Tracy, this was fantastically worded and heartbreaking at the same time. Despite the fact that I’m married, I can still relate to just about everything you said because, truthfully, even when you have someone to love or who loves you, you’re still alone…with thoughts that no one understands, dreams and goals that no one shares, fears that others say are unrealistic. It is definitely important to love and be loved. No question. But I’ve discovered that the only person who I am positive understands me is God. And prayer is the only place I can always go where I am positive I’m not being judged or criticized, or that someone is bored with me. With that said, even though it’s been years since we’ve seen each other, when I think of you I think of someone who is beautiful and funny and talented and a joy to be around. You deserve someone who sees that, and I hope you will find it!!
    ❤️Whitney

  2. raniss said

    I’m glad to see you writing again. I missed it. And miss you.

    • Rocky said

      Great, expressive, relatable & vulnerable. I love your smart wit & wisdom. Great that you are blogging again! Cheers angel!

  3. Rocky said

    Great, expressive, relatable & vulnerable writing. I love your smart wit & wisdom. Great that you are blogging again! Cheers angel!

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